in attention-getting through work, entertainment, food and sex. Protecting ourselves from pain builds the walls of separation higher and higher, preventing us from seeing what we need to see as evolving spiritual beings.
There is no going back. Once we grow up, we can never return to childhood and get the same joy playing with old toys. Once the light of consciousness reveals that this world and all its promises are just toys of the ego, we can never go back.
Moving Beyond the Past
Often, we unwittingly revive painful past experiences, bringing them into the present. Until we are conscious about them, we continually invite suffering into our lives, placing blame on the one who hurt us, both in the past and in the present. Essentially we are allowing that person to hurt us again and again in the form of another. We are trapped in pain that happened years ago. It is as sharp as if it happened yesterday. A new relationship—someone who invariably reminds us of the person from the past—is likely to reopen old wounds. There is no advancement or awareness until we learn to consciously let go of the past with all its blame and shame.
During my seminars, I teach through interaction during question and answers at the end of my discourse. Although it is a one-on-one interchange, the lessons of one person are applicable for all. On this topic of childhood trauma, a young woman once explained to me that she thought she had it all figured out:
Woman: I decided a long time ago that I would never be dependent on anyone. I have been diligent about not allowing another person to be in a position where they could have control over me. I did not know where this attitude came from. It was not until recently that I realized through an inner child experience that somehow my father had created that part of my personality.
Yogi Desai: I would suggest that perhaps you alter your language. Instead of saying “My father created it,” why not say, “It happened in reference to my father.” That is closer to reality. Remember that nobody creates anything for you, independently of you, or in spite of you. Remember that.
Woman: Okay, I see. Then to say it correctly, “I realized I’m the way I am because I was hurt by my father.
Yogi Desai: It would really be more correct to say, “Because I myself created this pain in reference to the situation with my father.” As an innocent child, you were part of the situation. Even if there was abuse then, you are an adult now and have the power to release that hold. Understand that you did not come to this life empty-handed. You came with the baggage of unfinished karma from your past. How you reacted to your father was a continuation of your past karma. Your father may have treated your sister or brother the same way you were, but all three of you came out of it differently. A family lives in the same house, but each child has a totally unique experience with the parents. Why? Because we all are working out our own karma.
Woman: I was so open as a child, but he repeatedly mistreated me with cruel remarks, so I shut down. At some age, I determined that I was not going to let him hurt me ever again.
Yogi Desai: It was not only as an innocent child that you felt hurt. You are still hurting. You believe people are still mistreating and criticizing you. So, do not think that you were hurt because you were innocent. You are now very grown-up and intelligent, and still, you are in pain. Think about it.
Woman: In reaction to him, I eventually developed a shell around me. I decided I would not give anybody the power to hurt me like he did.
Yogi Desai: How did you overcome that?
Woman: I haven’t yet.
Yogi Desai: But you have the facility to recognize what is happening inside you and that the pain is just as real. Seeing that is progress. The key to moving beyond it is to let go of the blame. Blame is saying, “He did this to me.” And every time you say that, the unspoken completion of that statement is, “I cannot do anything about it.”
Until you remove the blame, you cannot empower yourself to go beyond it. Your father was incidental. He happened to be your father. Unfortunately, he was not enlightened. How many of us had enlightened parents? What can we do about that? Nothing, but there is something we can do for ourselves.
You are also a parent. You are not enlightened either. You are just an ordinary human being. So were your father and mother. But you have the facility to recognize that fact and change yourself.
I’m sure Jesus had some trouble with Joseph and Mary. Joseph advised his son, “Go out and be a carpenter.” And Mary, being a good mother, would definitely have liked Jesus to marry a nice Jewish girl. But none of these good intentions occurred. Instead Jesus ran away, leaving behind disappointed parents, who lamented: Where did we go wrong? Just as parents lament today. And look what he created for himself. Nothing ever happens according to what we want, but that does not mean it can be solved by blame. Despite his suffering and humiliation, Jesus never blamed anyone. His behavior led to ultimate freedom and victory.
Do not believe that it was only because your father was wrong that you made a decision to resist the world. You have not stopped making that decision. It just goes on.
Woman: I can see that now.
Yogi Desai: Until we wake up, we live in the same unconsciousness we lived in as children. We put so much blame on our parents, and yet we repeat the same thing our parents did to us. We do not want to take responsibility. If we blame our parents, then we do not have to do the work of healing ourselves. We have assigned it to them. Many psychology books firmly lay blame on parents. Everybody who wants to blame their parents buys those books and buys into that idea. It is a good investment unless you want to evolve.
Blame does not go away unless we are willing to take on the real work. Very few people are willing to do that. They will buy a book, but not take on the work of observing of how their minds are interpreting a situation, and how they are continuing to assign blame. The opening will happen if you first change your language, which will, by and by, change your perspective. Do you see how quickly the old ways of speaking come back? “My father hurt me. He did it, and I was hurt.” You may have done that same thing to some of your loved ones, but you justify your actions by continuing to hold your father responsible.
Woman: As a result of that incident and things that happened after that, I reinforced my basic concept. It carried on into adulthood: “There it is again. People are not dependable. I cannot depend on anybody. I am not going to open up.” All that went on unconsciously. The pattern repeated itself.
Yogi Desai: As soon as we become conscious enough to see how we replay a life event, we are also ready to drop it. You are conscious enough to recognize what you are doing, so how about being conscious enough to drop it?
Woman: You cannot drop it until you know what to drop.
Yogi Desai: It is simply the blame you must drop. No explanations or rationalizations are required to achieve this. What holds you back is not that your parents did something to you, but the way you took it and are still taking it. The reason we react to a certain event is because of our personal unfinished karma. Whatever our issues, we are back here in life to work them out.
When you have not finished a job before you fall asleep, what do you do when you wake up? You pick up where you left off. Death is a slightly longer sleep. When you wake up, you continue with what was unfinished. The only difference is that you forget what it was that was unfinished.
Drop the idea that your father was to blame for your pain. You interpreted it that way and there is nothing wrong with that. So do not now blame yourself. Just be clear. If you enter into self-rejection every time the problem comes up, then after a while you stop seeing clearly. Self-rejection shuts down self-discovery. You keep seeking the solution somewhere else.
Woman: I will work on that.
Yogi Desai: A mind that is colored by guilt, fear and blame cannot figure it out. A mind afflicted by charged emotions and analysis only justifies. Justification is not figuring it out. You do not have to solve your problem logically