romantic relationships. Then Sarah makes a panic-stricken move. Without talking to me, she tells Jean and Lucy that she is breaking up with me. Is this a heroic deed in service of the revolution, or a desperate measure to placate her attackers? Jean and Lucy are satisfied with Sarah’s sudden move, but I feel hurt because Sarah hasn’t told me anything. Even though I’ve seen other couples in the community split up, I am taken aback now that it is our turn. Everyone consoles me and tells me that this is the price we have to pay for liberation. They compliment me for the firm stand I’ve taken in all this. But I have a feeling that I should have done more to stand up for Sarah. Was this the best way to deal with the whole situation? Is this bringing us any closer to enlightenment?
“I understand it’s very tough for you now,” Harry says. “But really, this is all for the best. We’re in the midst of a revolution, you know, and that revolution is asking a big price from all of us.”
“Yes, but what does it have to do with enlightenment, for God’s sake?”
“Well, you know that enlightenment is not just a blissful state of surrender, some kind of bubble to spend the rest of our lives in. Enlightenment demands personal change from each of us. We have to take responsibility for our conditioning, our shortcomings, our selfishness, and attachments. After realizing the secret of enlightenment, our behavior should express that realization perfectly, that’s the whole point. That’s what is so revolutionary about what Andrew’s trying to do.”
“Yes, but should we be so ruthless with each other?”
“I understand that you feel bad about what happened, but that’s the price we have to pay. The challenge is to do it with passion, with determination and an absolute commitment. That’s what we need to pull it off. But look at how amazing this all is! This is an evolutionary experiment; we are the forerunners in an evolutionary wave that will transform the western spiritual world!”
The whole drama has obviously not gone unnoticed in the community. Andrew has been kept informed all along. He calls Sarah and me to his room after satsang. He is upset with Sarah because of the way she has ended the relationship. He tells her it’s like sticking a knife in my back. I think back to my conversation with Andrew in Devon. Was he right after all to be cautious about Sarah and I being in a relationship?
Sarah moves into another house, and for about a year we hardly have any contact. After that our relationship becomes more normal, like any two community members.
This is my first personal experience of the price that has to be paid for liberation. Now I’ve felt first-hand that Andrew means business when he says that clarity of intention is all-important, and that we have to be completely responsible for the choices we make. Taking a stand with Sarah, allowing the relationship to end has been my first real sacrifice for the revolution.
Everyone in the community praises me for my dedication to the teachings, and my willingness to make this sacrifice, to cut deeply into my own attachments for the sake of enlightenment. I had to make a choice between my attachment to Sarah, and the demands of enlightenment. I chose for the demands of enlightenment, and therefore against the feelings in my own heart for Sarah. From a human point of view it’s been painful, but from a larger perspective I’ve chosen wisely, they say.
2.3. Boston
Throughout the summer of 1988, more people from Europe arrive in Amherst. Nearly all of them have come to stay. They have finished up their business in Europe, sold their houses, quit their jobs, and taken their children from school. There are new American arrivals as well. Among them are four ex-disciples of another American guru. They live in Boston and travel one and a half hours each way to come to satsang in Amherst every day. But to our deep regret, the American Buddhists don’t come. One of the reasons appears to be that people are spreading tales about Andrew, saying there is a dark side to him, and that Andrew has a problem with power and authority. We’re outraged about such accusations. The four Boston students invite Andrew to come and teach in Boston. Andrew accepts. This means relocation for most of us. Hopefully Boston will attract more spiritually interested people.
Up until now we’ve lived together in an idyllic paradise as if money didn’t exist. Most of us had some savings, some people had borrowed money, a few lucky ones like Harry were financially independent. Andrew himself lives on a small yearly inheritance. But now most of us have to start looking for work. We take jobs that allow us to make good money while working a minimal number of hours. Most of us do house cleaning or window washing. I manage to find a job as a Dutch translator and computer consultant, which also gives me a working permit. Andrew teaches five nights a week in the local Montessori school. They are public teachings now, not living room gatherings as before. In the cold Boston winter we line up for forty-five minutes outside to get a good seat. Andrew sits on a podium, surrounded by exuberant bouquets of flowers. It has become customary to accompany letters to Andrew with flowers: as an expression of love, an apology after a faux pas, or to thank him for his wonderful teachings. The local florist becomes a good friend of many community members.
Although community life is more structured now and there is less time to simply hang out together, we still have great community parties. Everyone dances the whole night long. There are no distracting sexual vibes, just an ecstatic celebration of intimacy. There’s no alcohol served, but we don’t need alcohol to get intoxicated.
In Boston the house meetings become ever more central. It’s not the experience of oneness that is important (that is now a given), but whether our lives are an expression of what we have realized. More and more often people are being sent out of houses when they don’t meet the standard. My own house falls apart after a few months because of irreconcilable differences between people. Andrew is angry with me because he feels I’ve been too passive, and have been trying for too long to keep the peace instead of confronting people and taking a stand. He calls me a wimp. Andrew often uses such strong language in order to shock the ego. I agree with him that this is just my ego shrinking back from standing up for the truth. I feel ashamed to have disappointed him. I call his house to speak to him, but he doesn’t want to talk. I feel I’ve blown it. I have to move to another house. I apply for several houses but am rejected because now my track record is not good. Eventually I find a spot in a lower ranking house. To my surprise I discover that I’m actually much happier in this lower house, and start to make real friendships with the people there.
2.4. Luna’s Defection
Andrew stays in Boston until April 1989, but the community doesn’t grow substantially. Apparently the East Coast is not receptive to Andrew’s message, and Andrew decides to move to the Mecca of spirituality, Marin County in California. The entire community of one hundred and fifty people, still mostly Europeans, drives across the country to set up shop in Marin, to find housing and jobs.
I drive cross country with five others in two weeks. We drive in two cars from Boston to Virginia, Nashville, Memphis (where we visit Elvis’ house Graceland), the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Yosemite, to arrive in the San Francisco Bay Area. We have a great time.
By July we’re all assembled in Northern California, waiting for Andrew, who is still in Boston, to come. But then an unexpected event: Andrew’s mother Luna leaves. I know that over the past few months she has grown increasingly ambivalent about what she calls Andrew’s whole guru setup. As a result Andrew has given her an increasingly hard time about her lack of surrender and her cynicism. Now the shocking news comes that Luna has left the community together with four other students after meeting the Indian anti-guru U.G. Krishnamurti, who’s renowned for debunking gurus and “the whole enlightenment business” as he calls it. Luna now flatly disagrees with what happens in the student houses. She feels Andrew’s vision has deteriorated into a kind of fascism, where everyone lives in fear of punishment. U.G. has convinced her that there is no such thing as enlightenment, and that every guru, including Andrew, is only out to manipulate his students and control them.
The news about Luna’s defection is unexpected and shocking to me. I am torn in my loyalties, not only because of my friendship with Luna, but also because of my former memories of U.G. In 1983, when I was in Saanen to listen to Jiddu Krishnamurti who gave talks there every summer, I had heard about “the second Krishnamurti” who lived in Gstaad