realised his childhood dream and opened his chemist’s shop, everything seemed to have fallen into place. Quite simply, he would get up in the morning and the only thing he wanted to do was to go to the shop. And he would spend hour after hour there, perfectly contented, and when the time came to close the shop, he would not feel that he was being released from an unpleasant daily burden. On the contrary, his departure for home was an inevitable evil that separated him, only temporarily, from what he really loved.
That’s what I’m talking about.
That man – Victor – could easily have been me. As I consider his life, tidily arranged on shelves, I understand, without a shred of horror, that I would cope with that system quite comfortably. I recognise that smell. I recognise that endless repetition of the identical, the benign expectation of the next person who might come into the chemist’s shop and hand me a piece of paper with a prescription. I recognise that frantic hope that for everything in the world that hurts you there must be an appropriate remedy.
Sometimes I come home and it seems to me that life is eluding me, that I will never manage it all. It is all deadlines, complex relationships, unfinished business, unclear outlines, travel to organise meetings where you have to be self-possessed. Sometimes it all reallydoes seem too much for justone life. Then I takea diazepam. And have a shower. The minutes slip by, the warm water cascades over me – I can feel it – dissolving that precious chemical in me. Slowly, it all slips away down the plughole. All those scowling faces, all those ambiguous words, all those tense conversations. The sharp edges soften. Nothing is quite as urgent or uncertain any more. Gradually colours return. After some ten minutes life looks fundamentally different. And fundamentally more bearable.
But alas, no. I was not born a few minutes earlier and I did not become Victor. I was born at precisely the moment when those who are forever hurrying somewhere and often use aeroplanes are born.
It might seem irrational to some, that a person who has constantly to fly should be constantly afraid of flying. But that is just a superficial way of looking at it. Because, what would be the point of the journey if not fear?
We do not, in fact, ever know what our lives, made up of all those desires and fears, will degenerate into. For instance, mine has been mainly governed by the elements. The elements and chance. The elements, chance and fate.
And so, for those two or three hours, I devote myself to my fear. Planes are not sufficiently comfortable forsleeping, or reading, orwatching films. OK, I could always hook one of those MP3 players into my ears and put my laptop on my knee, but – that’s not me. No one else needs to know, I would be able to deceive myself. I am far better at planning my own violent death, than typing a half-yearly financial report at a height of eight thousand metres.
And what is the big deal about these players and headsets? Music used to be something that was heard! Something you inevitably shared with everyone around you who had ears. When the radio was on, when someone sang, when there was a record on the gramophone, there was no possibility of it not being heard. That was the essence of music. Neighbours would bang on your walls, they would come to ask you to turn it down, they would summon the police to your door, you would wallpaper your room with egg cartons. That all happened precisely because music was audible.
When you knew what people listened to, you knew what they were like, where they came from, what stage they were at, what was bothering them … But now you don’t know a thing. These people with inaudible music in their ears look to me more like people who do not hide the fact that they want to cut themselves off – from me, of course, who else! – anymore than authentic music lovers. I would not be surprised if what they were listening to through those headsets was, in fact, nothing, or just some kind of plop, plop, plop, a recording of a stalactite dripping in a cave in the Himalayas, or some such perversion. That is what people with headsets are like. Very strange.
A friend of mine, apianist, recently told methe saddest thing: there are now even soundless pianos! The plane is just flying into a black cloud, a metallic voice informs us that we must fasten our seatbelts because we are encountering a little turbulence, and I am imagining well-disciplined strings somewhere in the depths of a piano that play somehow inside themselves. The pianist sits at the piano, making all those usual movements, like Domenico Cimarosa, pulling all those faces, but without the slightest sound. Just headsets and a contented neighbourhood. The pianist plays and plays and plays and nothing happens. Except in his ears. The peace of those around is the priority.
Then there is another crazy thing. I know of several countries already where there are very strange cinemas. I do not know whether they can be called cinemas, because – there is no film. You go in, buy your ticket, sit down; the seats are always very comfortable, the light is discreet and not oppressive, and all that can be heard for the next few hours is just soft, soothing music. You would not believe it, there are countries where cinemas like that are full all day long. There is always someone who wants just to sit for a couple of hours, listening to some tedious Clayderman, or something like that, that you otherwise only hear in a lift.
I have to say that I think these people are even odder than the ones with headsets. These people also shut themselves up in order to listen to music discreetly, politically correctly, but they have added two more elements to the whole thing: relaxation, which is presumably their psychoanalyst’s first recommendation, and shutting themselves up in a ghetto of people like themselves.
I dare not even imagine what the next stage might be. How listening to music will look in the future.
But on the other hand, the last thing I want is to sound nostalgic for the past. Like one of those people for whom the way things used to be was always better. Like hell it was better! Of course it was not. I would not swap all this technology for a single ethnographic museum in the world. Shameful, perhaps, but true. Still, I am sometimes afraid that some things are too turned inwards, too far from the rest of quiet humanity, even for my taste.
And that is why I do not listen to music in planes; that is what I wanted to say. If we cannot all listen, if at least two or three rows cannot sway to the same rhythm, then it is no real fun.
So I sit and say nothing. They say nothing, I say nothing. They stare at the advertisement on the seat in front of them. So do I.
I know some people who have been trying to persuade me for years that they simply adore flying! They ask for a window seat, make that contented face when they hear the enormous wheels gather speed, they look happy and smiley as though someone was tickling them where they like it. But I do not see what there is to adore. One can be indifferent to flying, it can be accepted as a necessary evil, it can be overcome, but the idea of adoring it I find truly odd.
How could I possibly adore the fact that I am ten thousand metres up in the air, and I am not a bird, or a cloud, or a cosmonaut? Or should I be enjoying the height I am at just because I am none of those things?
I don’t know, I was never much good at that ‘just because’ kind of reason. Consider that a serious flaw in my character. I do not like anything that is ‘despite’. I am scared of ‘despite’ situations. I do my best to avoid them. The stuff that is logical is not that easy, if you ask me. ‘Despite’ is more than I can handle. I leave that to those who are bored and for whom what is implicit is too narrow.
Ping! The little red light over our heads has gone out. We may unfasten our belts. The world below, which ought to be real, can be seen again, those black mountain peaks again. That is what life looks like from up here. Black and aggressively pointed.
That makes me think of mountain-climbers. Those extreme maniacs, who clamber onto high mountain peaks, through the wind and bitter cold. They emerge from their warm room, from their warm hotel, move away from the fireplace, leave their cup of tea and put on that spaceman’s outfit, take their poles, fling a hundred kilograms of all kinds of nails onto their backs and set off. Well rubbed with creams to prevent their fingers and ears falling off.
There is no way that anyone will persuade me this is normal behaviour. There is no way that you will explain to me that this is precisely why humanity has progressed, because of people like that. I do not believe it.
Then