they were down. They basked in other people’s problems.
Should Denise Whiting have made the business decision to trademark “Hon?” Maybe, maybe not. It didn’t matter. It was a business decision that was largely misunderstood by the populace. And now it was a toxic issue ruining her business and personal life.
Clearly, she wasn’t an axe murderer or criminal who preyed on the vulnerable. So did the perception that she stole the term “Hon” warrant all this backlash and behavior? Absolutely not. It was a mob mentality at its worst, people operating on the streets and social media platforms with a high degree of anonymity. Denise wasn’t challenging it because she was beaten down and scared.
One of the leaders of the anti-Whiting bullies was a young man who stalked and harassed Denise, both in-person and online. He also pasted Hon stickers with a slash through them everywhere in Hampden. (This was the same charming individual who would bolt into Cafe Hon when it was packed with diners and scream.)
In my view, this type of behavior was absolutely intolerable. While he may have disagreed with Denise’s business tactic, it gave him no right to break the law and try to instill fear and intimidation into her life and those around her. I convinced Denise to go to court—in fact, I went with her—to obtain a peace order and set a court date, severely restricting the man’s access to her. He ended up writing a letter of apology and swore never to be around her again. To this day, he has not been a factor in her life.
My philosophy on bullying is simple: sometimes you’ve got to punch the bully right in the nose—at least metaphorically—so everyone gets the message that you’re not going to take it anymore. In other words, this type of behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. This was our figurative right cross to the bully’s snout. Denise began to feel more and more confident—she had a team on her side that didn’t fear confrontation.
The bottom line with bullies: start by very assertively expressing that their tactics won’t be tolerated. If it continues, hold them accountable by any lawful means possible—progressive discipline, police reports, criminal court, civil court, etc. Make no apologies for criminally or civilly pursuing those who hurt others or destroy property.
I also accompanied Denise to several merchant association meetings attended by other business owners, managers and elected officials. They, too, were protesting and balking at her business posture. Again, we strongly encouraged Denise to tell her story and face the music so she could control her message at the grass-roots level, rather than letting everyone else do it for her. Denise was carefully scripted and rehearsed—this was no time for missteps.
It was uncomfortable for her. But our goal was to bring people from negative to neutral about Denise, not to make them advocates—although we would gladly take that. We needed to take the edge off the issue and restore Denise’s “humanity.” Denise had chosen not to attend these important meetings in the past; however, with each meeting, she grew more confident in her ability to defend her position.
In addition, we set up security details with the Baltimore Police Department to watch her and her business at HonFest. That was where the majority of activity was occurring. The threats and actions against her were becoming more aggressive. Not to sound overly dramatic, but you never knew who was going to do what to get their proverbial 15 minutes of fame and become the “community hero.”
Still, we urged her to celebrate HonFest and do what she had always done, just a little more cautiously and with a few more plain-clothes police officers near her. Bullies want to see their victims change their behavior—it gives them a feeling of power and control. We were determined not to let that happen.
If you’re strong and exhibiting professional behavior, you send the clear message that you won’t be intimidated. This deprives bullies of their self-anointed heroism and takes away their control.
Within weeks of working with Denise, I saw her gradually becoming physically and mentally stronger, a much more confident person, and a more focused and determined leader. She was becoming resilient again.
I knew she was that under normal circumstances. After all, she had survived in a cutthroat business for many years. I just happened to become part of her life at her lowest point and was grateful to have the opportunity to gain her trust while aligning her mind, body and spirit so she could run her business and lead her life.
During our engagement with Denise, she was contacted by “Kitchen Nightmares.” This was the FOX network reality television show starring chef Gordon Ramsay that purports to revitalize troubled restaurants.
I talked to Denise about whether or not it was smart to have Cafe Hon featured on the show, encouraging her to take advantage of the national opportunity on many fronts. Ultimately, she decided it was a way to put the whole trademarking “Hon” issue behind her.
“If nobody will listen to me when I say I’m sorry,” she said, “maybe they’ll listen when I do it on national television.”
Ramsay and his crew arrived that November. The chef immediately set about jazzing-up what he saw as Cafe Hon’s ho-hum menu and décor. He also helped tamp down the increasing tension developing between a harried Denise and her staff, which, understandably at the time, felt both mistreated and ignored by their besieged boss. What we learned by working with Denise was that her team wanted to be heard and validated. They loved the brand, but had very real concerns about their futures.
Ramsay, like me, seemed equally concerned about the dreadful PR hit Denise continued to take within the community.
“There was a level of hatred that was almost untouchable,” Ramsay told the media. “I’ve never known a restaurant to have such a huge issue.”
I had been encouraging Denise for weeks to consider relinquishing the trademark rights to “Hon,” thinking it was not worth all the pushback she was getting from all sides. Ultimately, I felt Denise would “win” in the court of law, but lose in the court of public opinion as the community continued rendering verdict after personal verdict, week after week. And if she lost in the court of public opinion, who cared about the court of civil law—there would be no business!
In the days that “Kitchen Nightmares” filmed at her restaurant—and after speaking with Gordon Ramsay—Denise arrived at a similar epiphany. So one morning, with Ramsay in tow and the FOX cameras rolling, she went on a local morning radio program to finally announce the surrender of her “Hon” trademark.
“I am sorry for the animosity and the hatred and everything that trade-marking a word has done,” Whiting told listeners, sounding almost numb. “. . . (It) has not only almost killed me, but it has just about killed the business.”
After almost a year of turmoil and controversy, Denise Whiting’s long ordeal was finally over. By the time she and Ramsay held a press conference later that day at the sparkling, renovated Cafe Hon, with its leopard-skin banquettes and bold wall decorations, she sounded both relieved and hopeful for the first time in months.
“I had the first good night’s sleep I had in a year,” she said, smiling wanly for the cameras, a villain in Hampden no more.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
1 Earn the trust of your client, quickly. When first interacting with a person embroiled in crisis, understand they are very fragile and must be emotionally supported. They don’t know whom to trust and are searching for hope in an otherwise hopeless circumstance; at least that’s how it seems to them.
2 Be painfully honest and direct. What people in crisis need is someone who will not sugar-coat the problem, but clearly explain the navigational fix. Once a person in crisis understands the situation with clarity, the rebuilding process can begin. Earn the trust of those who depend on you by operating with absolute precision and clarity. There is no better trust builder than truth.
3 Be available all the time, at any hour. Those feeling the pain of crisis will want to talk when they feel lonely or vulnerable—many times, this will be early morning or late at night. It is imperative you be there for them—otherwise, you will quickly become irrelevant and lose the trust you so diligently worked to gain.
4 Bullies