Stop Being Lonely. Kira Asatryan

cared about in the relationship.

       Things to Notice

      • Does she respond emotionally in a way that feels good, such as holding your hand when you’re expressing fear or concern?

      • Does she respond emotionally in a way that feels bad, such as laughing while you tell the story of your dying grandparent?

      Skill 3: The Ability to Take Responsibility

      The ability to take responsibility means owning your actions and decisions. It doesn’t mean inviting blame for everything that’s going on around you, but it does include recognizing the part you played in creating a bad situation.

      Personal responsibility is absolutely essential in making great relationships. Things will go wrong, no matter how hard you try, and it’s critical to pick someone who will feel some ownership over what went wrong. If not, you’ll end up with all the blame. . .and blame is a major closeness killer.

       Things to Notice

      • Does he blame other people or outside circumstances for his disappointments?

      • Does he bad-mouth current or past bosses, spouses, partners, and so on?

      • Is he unable to apologize sincerely?

      Skill 4: The Ability to Accept Caring

      Have you ever heard the saying “In every relationship, one person is the flower and the other is the gardener”? There’s probably nothing I find less true. Caring — in the closeness sense of the word — is not the same as care-taking. Getting close to someone does not mean signing up to be his or her nurse or rescuer; nor does it mean signing up only to receive care. You will both need to be the flower, and both be the gardener.

      The caring abilities listed above should prove a potential partner’s ability to give you the care you need. This one is about making sure he or she can receive care. If your potential partner shuns your caring — for example, “not wanting to talk about it” when you offer to listen — this is a difficult barrier to overcome when creating closeness.

       Things to Notice

      • Does she allow you to support her emotionally?

      • Does she seem stoic or reluctant to reveal anything too private?

      • Is she unwilling to admit her vulnerabilities?

      When you see the hallmarks of someone capable of knowing and caring — get excited! This is a great opportunity. This person will likely make a wonderful partner. The rest of this book will show you how to establish a wonderful relationship.

      But if, as often happens, you find that though your potential partner has many of these abilities locked down, a few are still lacking — don’t give up. These abilities can be learned over time, especially if you lead by example. Be patient, and recognize that she may need some practice before becoming proficient at creating closeness.

      Red Flags

      Keep in mind that while you’re testing the closeness waters you absolutely do not need to create closeness with every person you meet in order to reduce your loneliness. Remember — becoming just a little closer to one or two people will ease the pangs of feeling alone. In other words, there’s no need to force it. If you have reservations about someone, give it some time, or resolve to simply let that opportunity go. Trust that there will be other opportunities, because there will be.

      Here I want to note that there are some people whom you really should not try to get closer to. Some of these partners are inappropriate simply because of the situation. For example, it could be seen as inappropriate to make an effort to get close to a friend’s spouse. These are judgment calls — some actions could be seen as overstepping boundaries by some and as perfectly fine by others. Just be aware of how picking this partner or that might make those around you feel.