naturally — that is, they are passive. These emotions are the spontaneous result of the act of loving. If we reflect on the most blissful emotions we have ever felt, we are likely to recall the joy of seeing the elation of a child or partner. This is the greatest reward for loving, filling our hearts with warmth and the utmost contentment. But to experience these ecstatic feelings, we must first have actively triggered the process of loving in our minds (consciously or subconsciously).
Unlike the emotions that accompany falling in love, the feelings we experience as a part of love will persist as long as we continue to work at loving. Actual love typically demands knowledge of the beloved — much more than we need to know in order to fall in love with somebody. Often, instant passion can be triggered merely by physical features or a brief encounter. This passion allows us to develop an idea of the beloved person that is largely based on our own hopes and desires and may not reflect reality. I recall the first time being “madly in love” when I was sixteen and spotted a girl in a dance club. I did not have the courage to talk to her but, mesmerized by her appearance, I drove twenty miles on my moped through rain and snow every day for weeks back to that same dance club in the hopes she would return — without ever having spoken a word with her. Thus, we may well fall in love with our perception of a person. As we spend more time with the object of our passion, that perception may conflict with the person’s actual nature — which sometimes may lead to disappointment or disillusionment. The state of exhilaration, however, may mask the disappointment for some time (leading to denial). If two people have no adequate understanding of love at this point, their relationship stands little chance of surviving.
Many people resist the notion that the intense feelings that accompany falling in love can be dismissed as mere infatuation. Some also reject the distinction between infatuation and love as purely academic and inconsequential. But this distinction actually matters tremendously for our lives. The falling-in-love phase invariably ends. If we interpret the fading of these intense feelings as the end of love itself, we may question the whole basis of our relationship. Couples are often distraught when they realize they are not as crazy about each other as they were in the beginning. Instead of acknowledging the ephemeral nature of falling in love, they often break up to look for a new rush in another partnership — only to repeat the cycle. Partners who expect to remain in a state of euphoria forever will inevitably be disappointed.
The ensuing disappointment not only causes heartache for the couple but often has devastating consequences for the people around them, especially children. The cliché of “lovesick fools” holds some truth: when our minds are flooded with the hormones of falling in love, our judgment can be impaired. MRI studies of the human brain have consistently shown that brain areas responsible for decision making are greatly influenced by the emotions that accompany falling in love.9 When the infatuation phase of courtship ends, lives may be thrown into disarray.
My friend Ben met his wife, Sandra, at work right after college. Ben fell in love with Sandra almost instantly in the office hallway. He had barely spoken with her, but he was captivated by her looks and her vivacious, funny style. His obsession with her grew, and soon he found himself fantasizing about her most of the time. When he ran into her in the office, his heart pounded, and he froze. He desperately wanted to ask her out on a date, but he felt so awkward in her presence that he could not do it.
It was Sandra who took the initiative. She had noticed Ben, too, and was attracted to him. They went for a drink after work and found themselves talking for hours. Everything felt right, and they felt as if they had known each other forever. They became inseparable. After three months of dating, they moved in together. After another eight months, Ben asked Sandra to marry him. Sandra got pregnant in the second year after their wedding and again one year later.
In the beginning, everything seemed perfect, and they never quarreled. Over time, however, tensions began to rise. Rather than go back to work, Sandra wanted to stay at home with the children. Struggling to earn enough money to support the family, Ben took on a second job and felt increasingly tired. When he came home, he wanted to do nothing but eat and watch television. It seemed to him that Sandra did nothing all day except play with the kids, while he was working himself into the ground. When he wanted to spend more time with his friends and Sandra objected to his going out without her, he became resentful.
Sandra was irritated by Ben’s messiness and his unwillingness to help out at home. She had noticed early in their relationship that Ben was untidy, but at first she was only mildly amused, and she always cleaned up after him. Gradually she grew angry and resentful when he left things in disarray, feeling overwhelmed with housework and childcare and upset at not getting any appreciation from Ben.
The incredible attraction they had felt for each other faded away. Ben felt drawn to other women at work, and Sandra fantasized about one of her friends from college. They fought almost daily, usually about trivial things. They grew further and further apart, and six years after their wedding they consensually filed for divorce.
What happened? How could the intense feelings they had felt for each other disappear? When they met, they had no doubt they were made for each other. Both had been sure that what they perceived as true love would last forever.
In truth, Ben and Sandra never loved each other — at least not in the sense that I use the term love. They fell in love but never made the transition to true, mature love. Ben and Sandra enjoyed their blissful emotions but failed to make the continuous effort that love requires. In other words, neither of them put the other’s happiness and well-being above everything else. When their infatuation-boosted hormones ebbed, they did not work at fostering love. Eventually, the realities of life caught up with them.
Job and family place high demands on us. It is difficult to pick up after ourselves and help out around the house when we are tired out after a long day of work. It may be hard to welcome a partner with a smile after the children have driven us to the brink of insanity all day. Our first reaction to expectations of this kind is to feel frustrated and irritable. Only when we push these impulses aside and focus on our love for our partner and family can we learn to feel happy despite these pressures.
Focusing on love gives us the energy and motivation to do the things we may perceive as contrary to our immediate interests. The desire to see our loved ones happy can encourage us to do whatever we can to make their lives better. But this love has to be constantly rescued from being overshadowed by other, more self-serving urges. It requires us to be continuously mindful of our true priorities. This is a great challenge.
For most of us, the ability to love has to be learned and practiced. Sandra and Ben gave up on their relationship before they really got started. Once the excitement was gone, they thought their love was over: they never gave themselves the opportunity to experience true love. In their state of infatuation, they not only rushed into a marriage, but they also had children, who are now facing an upbringing by parents who live apart and are in conflict over custody issues, legal expenses, and other problems.
How would understanding the distinction between falling in love and actual love have made a difference to Ben and Sandra? Knowing that people often don’t think rationally while falling in love, Ben and Sandra could have enjoyed their mutual infatuation with just enough perspective to wait a little before getting married. Once the butterflies were gone, they might have assessed the situation more soberly. At that point, they might have either consciously taken the next steps to develop a mature love or separated before making a long-term commitment. One of the most common reasons given for divorce in the United States is “unrealistic expectations.”10 A mature view of love would have given Ben and Sandra the wisdom to know what is required for maintaining a partnership and to recognize whether they were ready for it.
Western society does a lot to mislead us about the concept of love. Every day we are deluged with images of love as magical, serendipitous, and exhilarating. Almost invariably, romantic movies tell the story of a couple falling madly in love, usually after some cute or harrowing plot twists that lead them into each other’s arms. The story inevitably ends with a proposal of marriage and the prospect of living happily ever after.
Most fictional love stories describe two people falling in love but typically do not describe their lives a few years later. It is easier to