and maintain the habit. And the more we perceive the reward in positive terms, the more likely we are to use the associated training because it provides an outcome we want or at least one that we are familiar with. I got to learn this early when at age nineteen I was hired as a flight attendant.
Emergency and safety drills were a primary part of my training. Over and over the other trainees and I were put in potential disastrous situations, many of them taking place on a life-size simulator of an airplane’s interior, such as crash landings with fire-like effects in a smoke-filled cabin with jammed emergency slides and blocked exits, and much more.
Part of our training was in a technique that would end up being a key method I would use in many other aspects of my life. It is called the Thirty-Second Review and takes place during the first three minutes and the last eight minutes of any flight, the times considered the most critical for flight emergencies. Seated on our flight attendant jump seats, we mentally ran through all the major emergency scenarios that might occur during takeoff and landing. This process works on the premise that whatever is in the forefront of your mind, gleaned from your training, will help you react, even when chaos and danger ensue. Some forty years later, as a passenger, I still do the Thirty-Second Review every time I’m on a flight.
Every day we use similar techniques to reinforce our habits to get what we need and want. For example, in meditation, I use conscious thinking to attune my thoughts to what I need (mental and physical recharging), and that is central to what I want (clarity, creativity, calm, and spiritual connection). I go to the gym every day not because I like to work out but because it’s another way for me to recharge, stay relaxed, and enhance my health. Both habits are implemented often, both have positive rewards, and both advance my personal goals for living a healthy lifestyle. I’m motivated by the rewards I reap, and the high value derived from the outcome of these habits helps me sustain both as long-term strategies to get what I want.
Habits are familiar, which means we don’t consciously think about how to use them. That’s why adopting new ones, such as beginning an exercise program, feels more difficult and tiring. They take more thought. They take practice. After a while, new habits become easier to access, with less effort and more predictable results. The familiarity of a habit often blinds us to the fact that it is not healthy. That’s why bad habits often undermine our desires to implement good ones. The key is to build new, resourceful habits that you can fall back on. The clearer you are about which strategies work for you and are in alignment with your need/want connection (which we will discuss further below), the more likely you are to automatically adopt those habits instead of falling back into your old busy habits.
Needs first, wants second; once that equation is in place, you’ll be more likely to fulfill your goals and desires.
• Is Busyness Keeping You from What You Need and Want? •
Certain strategies and approaches generally work well for shorter-term goals, the things we want to accomplish in the near future, such as taking a vacation, purchasing a new car, or paying off a credit card. Lifestyle changes — like breaking your busy habits — require a longer-lasting approach that develops into maintainable strategies and eventually new habits.
Changing your relationship with busy necessitates determining your need/want connection and how it relates to your goals. It’s a cause-and-effect formula that when balanced will lead to more sustainable outcomes. For example, if you decide you want to lose five pounds in a week, it can be done. No problem. There are numerous people to tell you how to do it. But is that helpful? Can you get the weight off ? Absolutely. However, it’s unlikely that approach will be sustainable in the long run.
When a client comes to me because she wants to lose weight and has tried several times, without success, to keep it off, I need to help her find the why now part of her need/want connection. If her motivation is that she wants to look better, or that she’s tired of the extra pounds, that is typically a sign that she has not dug deep enough to make her goal sustainable. Her reasons just scratch the surface of what she really wants.
The broader the reason, the less likely the root of the why now has been uncovered. In this case, if she doesn’t believe she deserves to feel or look better, her weight loss is apt to be temporary. How can she be truly successful until she knows the value of what she needs and how it will support what she wants? When she establishes both, her why now will be evident, and she’ll realize her endeavors with less effort and more satisfaction.
Before moving on, let’s explore your need/want connection. This is to help you develop the habit of considering your need first, before anything else. Think of it this way. If you know you want to change jobs, what do you need to make that happen? You may need to write a new résumé, network with business associates, buy a new interviewing outfit, and rearrange your schedule so you have time to search for that new job. You know you want a new job, and organizing your strategy for what you need to do first will put the ball in motion to make that new job a reality instead of merely a desire. Often we get so focused on what we want, we overlook what we need to think and do to make it happen. I’m asking you to take a close look at what you need so that your strategies are well formed and more likely to lead to your wanted outcome.
EXERCISE: The Need/Want Connection
This would be a good time to begin a Breaking Up with Busy journal. As you work through the exercises in this book, your journal or notebook can provide you with a personal map of each step you take to free yourself from the madness of busyness. It will also provide you with a rewarding feeling of accomplishment, which will encourage you to continue.
1. What do I really want?
2. What will change for me when I have what I want?
3. What do I need that will move me toward what I really want?
4. Why now? State your answer in the positive.
I need ___________________________ to obtain (what I want) ____________________. Why now? Because _____________ meets my need and __________________ is what I want.
When I first used this exercise, I was struck by how often my clients would list all the things they wanted before realizing they had said nothing about what they needed. When they did acknowledge what they needed, it was often a list of things, or what other people had to do first before they could do what they needed. Be mindful of that scenario. Consider your personal attributes and your strengths, and how you can apply them to secure what you need and then move on to devising the bigger picture for yourself. Being clear about all three will help motivate you into action.
• Motivating Yourself out of Busy and into Action •
Some of us take action to reach a rewarding goal, while others take action to avoid discomfort. Most of us are motivated by the first and temporarily eased by the second. When we cultivate strategies that are derived from well-formed habits, and our actions are supported by self-awareness and clear motivations, we set ourselves up for achievement. Understanding how your brain works when forming habits is a great tool for motivating yourself out of busy and into action.
The brain is a powerful, dynamic, ever-evolving tool that is always available, capable of generating an infinite range of subtle and vast changes. Each of us operates from our unique programming — how we interpret our world and how we communicate it to ourselves and others based on our experiences. In a blink of the eye we pull those experiences to the forefront of our minds, apply meaning, and express that meaning with words and behavior. And the more we do this, the easier it is to implement the strategies — behavior and thinking — associated with those experiences. This is where training meets up with habit. Simply by changing how we think about something, we can rewire our brains’ response. When we’re stressed and busy, our brains don’t think clearly, and that’s when we are most likely to fall back on our habits. That’s valuable, especially for those with jobs such as first responders where habits — training — can be lifesaving. However, when we employ habits, which may seem useful in the moment but might not support our bigger picture, it’s time to revamp those habits and establish new ones that work best for what we need and want.
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