going to guess they’re on the less-popular end of the envied, I-wish-that-were-me spectrum. Admired, yes. But triggering you? Probably not! If they do trigger you — damn, you’re really adventurous.
Ah, but Louise from college with her cool blog and stud boyfriend? That might be another story, right? Oh, Louise, Louise, Louise. Are those hair extensions? What diet are you doing? How can you be so pretty and funny? (Her blog is annoyingly entertaining, right? — come on — you read it. And the small spelling mistake you saw on her Instagram post is the only scrap of schadenfreude you’re going to get.)
Well, well, well. Of course savvy Louise is going to show a crap-ton of blown-out messy waves pics. And she’s going to write a lot. They are two strengths that she’s got. But who knows what she’s lacking? She doesn’t have many friends, perhaps? Maybe she’s exhausted and her overall health isn’t as good as it looks (this is surprisingly common). Perhaps that stud boyfriend has an addictive side or is a philanderer. Maybe the idea of public speaking has her so short of breath, she passed up a maid-of-honor position and disappointed the sister she’s always looked up to. Who knows?
The better question is, Who cares?
You.
I know you do. Because I do, too. We all do — to a point. We’re human. And we use what’s in our environment as reference points. How can we not?
But there’s something much more important to start caring about right now. And that’s what you’ve got. Because when you give what you actually have right this second a little light and thought, you’ll find it’s so much more than you think. I promise. No matter what we do on this earth, what contribution we make, all of us play an important role, and we usually don’t even know it.
For example, it kills me when a woman with kids describes herself as “just a stay-at-home mom.” Are you kidding me? I was an au pair for three months in the South of France, and I’ve never been so exhausted or stretched in my entire life, ever. Having a successful corporate job and building a thriving business were a piece of cake compared to looking after kids. You run a house, raise responsible humans, clean up poop, cook, pay the bills, clean up more poop, and do a million other things without pay — or frankly, much praise. You can’t even take a shower or use the bathroom without bringing the baby in. You’re on high alert all day long. You don’t get lunch breaks, coffee runs, or paid time off, at least not without thirteen things to pack with you and a dozen planning worries to think about and a bunch of stroller logistics to manage.
Strength Valuation
A friend of mine told me once that it took a divorce lawyer to make her realize how much she’s worth. She contributed beyond belief to her marriage: she took a back seat in her career for a bit so her husband could excel and so that her kids could have a parent at home (no judgment here — all parenting is hard, and the choices are personal). But she thought she was worth nothing until a savvy lawyer broke it all down. They were equals. I don’t care what LinkedIn says.
Picture this. The prices will vary from place to place, but you get the gist:
•Price of a full-time, live-in nanny: $800 a week
•Price of a three-meal-a-day personal chef: $300 a week
•Price of a home manager who shops, organizes, pays bills, takes kids to and from events: $700 a week
•Price of daily housekeeper: $260 a week
•On-call life coach/date/confidant/copilot to spouse: priceless
•Taking a back seat in your career to play support role to your spouse: potentially millions (this is not an overstatement)
DIRECT MESSAGE
This is not about money being a form of validation over anything else (nor is having a job or any particular work that you contribute). It’s about not discounting what you’re doing, whatever it is. There’s so much more value in whatever you’re doing right now than you probably believe. What might you be overlooking? Your value as a loyal friend (ahem: therapist/publicist/life coach)? The flowers you planted that make people pause, smell, and smile? The way you listen to your coworker as she thinks through a problem? The intrepid travel you do that inspires others to see more of the world? Appreciating your value, however you’re showing up and just being, matters.
As someone who doesn’t have a perfect résumé, I know it’s the confidence, not just the competence, that counts.
One day I met a mom in my building whose kid was at the constantly-asking-why stage of his childhood. Why is that man cleaning the windows? Why do some people have two dogs? Why are the windows black on that car? I’d bump into them often, and one afternoon we were checking our mail at the same time.
“Why are the mailboxes locked, Mom?” he asked. She explained that important documents are delivered via mail and so we have to keep our letters safe. I said to her something along the lines of, “Hey, ya know what? I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you’re such a nice mom! You’re so thorough and patient with his good questions!”
And guess how she responded?
She cried.
Yep. She told me that no one compliments motherhood. That it’s thankless most of the time. “No one tells you you’re doing a good job!” she said, looking in her well-stocked bag for a Kleenex.
She then told me she missed her job and the constant good feedback she used to get from coworkers. She was looking forward to getting back to work once her son started school, which he would do in just a few months. I was momentarily flooded with affection for her and said, “I’ll help! Let me help! I used to be a recruiter and we can do some interviewing role-play! And I’ll tell you how to network your way back in!”
And so we had tea at her place. I asked her about what she used to do, and she told me she was a team secretary at an architectural firm for eleven years. It was a great job, and she was clearly competent, having been there for so long and having risen through the ranks over time. I asked her why she was great at the job.
“Um, well, I was always on time, even early, to work.”
On time? That’s it? Certainly punctuality matters, but an intern on their first day can be on time, even early.
“What else?” I asked.
“Hmm. I have a pretty good attitude. I’m happy to stay late to get the job done!”
I had to take a deep breath.
Arriving early and staying late are great employee traits but, come on! I was looking for what really made her special.
What else?
DIRECT MESSAGE
Practicing active listening and always asking, “What else?” are great ways to get to the bottom of almost anything.
We sat for almost an hour, and after a significant amount of probing — “what else?” many times over — we got to the nitty-gritty of what made this woman stand out. She is:
•A natural problem solver
•Innovative
•Calm under pressure
•Efficient
•Proficient with a million forms of software
To arrive at this conclusion, I asked her this (and you should steal it for yourself!): “What was some good feedback you received at work? Tell me all the praise you remember.”
She’d say things like: “My boss loved how I knew when he was running late. I’d shift around his afternoon schedule and let everyone know what to expect without him asking me first. If it was too tight, I’d have to just make a call and combine meetings or cancel the least pressing one.”
Ahhh, so you anticipate your team’s needs in advance! How