Twain Mark

The Innocents Abroad - The Original Classic Edition


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Italy by Rail--Idling in Florence--Dante and Galileo--An Ungrateful City--Dazzling Generosity--Wonderful Mosaics--The Historical Arno--Lost Again--Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready--The Leaning Tower of Pisa--The Ancient Duomo--The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung--An Enchanting Echo--A New Holy Sepulchre--A Relic of Antiquity--A Fallen Republic--At Leghorn--At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship--Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion--Garibaldi Visited--Threats of Quarantine

       CHAPTER XXV.

       The Works of Bankruptcy--Railway Grandeur--How to Fill an Empty

       Treasury--The Sumptuousness of Mother Church--Ecclesiastical Splendor

       --Magnificence and Misery--General Execration--More Magnificence

       A Good Word for the Priests--Civita Vecchia the Dismal--Off for Rome

       CHAPTER XXVI.

       The Modern Roman on His Travels--The Grandeur of St. Peter's--Holy Relics

       --Grand View from the Dome--The Holy Inquisition--Interesting Old Monkish

       Frauds--The Ruined Coliseum--The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime

       --Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance--A Roman Newspaper Criticism

       1700 Years Old

       CHAPTER XXVII.

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       "Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday"--The Man who Never Complained

       --An Exasperating Subject--Asinine Guides--The Roman Catacombs

       The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs--The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart

       --The Legend of Ara Coeli

       CHAPTER XXVIII.

       Picturesque Horrors--The Legend of Brother Thomas--Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed--A Festive Company of the Dead--The Great Vatican Museum Artist Sins of Omission--The Rape of the Sabines--Papal Protection of

       Art--High Price of "Old Masters"--Improved Scripture--Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome--Scale of Honors Accorded Them

       --Fossilizing--Away for Naples

       CHAPTER XXIX.

       Naples--In Quarantine at Last--Annunciation--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius--A Two Cent Community--The Black Side of Neapolitan Character--Monkish Miracles--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--The Stranger and the Hackman--Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side---Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued

       CHAPTER XXX.

       Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--Beautiful View at Dawn--Less Beautiful in the Back Streets--Ascent of Vesuvius Continued--Dwellings a Hundred Feet High--A Motley Procession--Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast--Princely Salaries--Ascent of Vesuvius Continued--An Average of Prices--The wonderful "Blue Grotto"--Visit to Celebrated Localities in

       the Bay of Naples--The Poisoned "Grotto of the Dog"--A Petrified Sea of

       Lava--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--The Summit Reached--Description

       of the Crater--Descent of Vesuvius

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       CHAPTER XXXI.

       The Buried City of Pompeii--How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen hundred years--The Judgment Seat--Desolation--The Footprints of the Departed--"No Women Admitted"--Theatres, Bakeshops, Schools--Skeletons preserved by the Ashes and Cinders--The Brave Martyr

       to Duty--Rip Van Winkle--The Perishable Nature of Fame

       CHAPTER XXXII.

       At Sea Once More--The Pilgrims all Well--Superb Stromboli--Sicily by Moonlight--Scylla and Charybdis--The "Oracle" at Fault--Skirting the Isles of Greece Ancient Athens--Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter--Running the Blockade--A Bloodless Midnight

       Adventure--Turning Robbers from Necessity--Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm--We Fail--Among the Glories of the Past--A World of Ruined Sculpture--A Fairy Vision--Famous Localities--Retreating in Good Order

       --Captured by the Guards--Travelling in Military State--Safe on Board

       Again

       CHAPTER XXXIII.

       Modern Greece--Fallen Greatness--Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles--Footprints of History--The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account--Anchored Before Constantinople--Fantastic Fashions--The Ingenious Goose-Rancher--Marvelous Cripples--The Great Mosque--The Thousand and One Columns--The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul

       CHAPTER XXXIV.

       Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey--Slave-Girl Market Report--Commercial

       Morality at a Discount--The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople

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       --Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey--Ingenious Italian

       Journalism--No More Turkish Lunches Desired--The Turkish Bath Fraud

       --The Narghileh Fraud--Jackplaned by a Native--The Turkish Coffee Fraud

       CHAPTER XXXV.

       Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea--"Far-Away Moses"

       --Melancholy Sebastopol--Hospitably Received in Russia--Pleasant English

       People--Desperate Fighting--Relic Hunting--How Travellers Form "Cabinets"

       CHAPTER XXXVI.

       Nine Thousand Miles East--Imitation American Town in Russia--Gratitude that Came Too Late--To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias

       CHAPTER XXXVII.

       Summer Home of Royalty--Practising for the Dread Ordeal--Committee on Imperial Address--Reception by the Emperor and Family--Dresses of the Imperial Party--Concentrated Power--Counting the Spoons--At the Grand Duke's--A Charming Villa--A Knightly Figure--The Grand Duchess--A Grand Ducal Breakfast--Baker's Boy, the Famine-Breeder--Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud--Saved as by Fire--The Governor--General's Visit to the Ship

       --Official "Style"--Aristocratic Visitors--"Munchausenizing" with Them

       --Closing Ceremonies

       CHAPTER XXXVIII.

       Return to Constantinople--We Sail for Asia--The Sailors Burlesque the

       Imperial Visitors--Ancient Smyrna--The "Oriental Splendor" Fraud

       --The "Biblical Crown of Life"--Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans--Sociable

       Armenian Girls--A Sweet Reminiscence--"The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!"

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       CHAPTER XXXIX.

       Smyrna's Lions--The Martyr Polycarp--The "Seven Churches"--Remains of the Six Smyrnas--Mysterious Oyster Mine Oysters--Seeking Scenery--A Millerite Tradition--A Railroad Out of its Sphere

       CHAPTER XL.

       Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus--Ancient Ayassalook--The Villanous Donkey--A Fantastic Procession--Bygone Magnificence--Fragments of History--The Legend of the Seven Sleepers

       CHAPTER XLI.

       Vandalism Prohibited--Angry Pilgrims--Approaching Holy Land!--The "Shrill

       Note of Preparation"--Distress About Dragomans and Transportation

       --The "Long Route" Adopted--In Syria--Something about Beirout--A Choice Specimen of a Greek "Ferguson"--Outfits--Hideous Horseflesh--Pilgrim "Style"--What of Aladdin's Lamp?

       CHAPTER XLII.

       "Jacksonville," in the Mountains of Lebanon--Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama--The Vanished City--The Peculiar Steed, "Jericho"--The Pilgrims Progress--Bible Scenes--Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle Fields, etc. --The Tomb of Noah--A Most Unfortunate People CHAPTER XLIII. Patriarchal Customs--Magnificent Baalbec--Description of the Ruins --Scribbling Smiths and Joneses--Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law --The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass CHAPTER XLIV. 10 Extracts from NoteBook--Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's--Beautiful Damascus the Oldest City on Earth--Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City--Damascus Street Car--The Story of St. Paul--The "Street called Straight"--Mahomet's Tomb and St.