up for her.”— Ephesians 5:25
The role of the father is integral to the formation of a family. The conception of the baby within the mother’s womb is the result of the God-designed intimacy between husband and wife — the most intimate act we can engage in with another human being. The spouses’ physical act of love and self-gift results in the creation of a new, eternal, microscopic person.
The father, from the very beginning, is intrinsically involved in his child’s life. It may not be a conscious, personal relationship as of yet, but his participation is designed by God to be necessary for the child’s very existence. As the baby grows, men often find themselves becoming more and more aware of the true reality of this new son or daughter. They can develop a relationship with and a love for this baby even in utero, and the baby can learn to recognize the father’s voice. The more a mother is taken care of by the father, the more she can offer a healthy and love-filled environment for her child.
A mother experiencing high amounts of stress during pregnancy creates high cortisol levels that can potentially affect the baby. Often it is by helping his wife to get the rest, nutrition, and exercise she needs to have a healthy pregnancy and birth that a father can best love his child even before he or she is born. Giving his wife a safe environment of love and support, helping alleviate stress for her, in turn provides a safe environment of love and support for his baby.
As the pregnancy progresses, and the baby grows, the father’s relationship with his child is also designed to grow. It is entirely appropriate and beautiful then, as the role of the father increases, that he be an active and important part of the birth itself. In fact, Saint John Paul II stated that fathers should be attentive and involved in their wives’ pregnancies and births: “Even though we are speaking about a process in which the mother primarily affects the child, we should not overlook the unique influence that the unborn child has on its mother. In this mutual influence which will be revealed to the outside world following the birth of the child, the father does not have a direct part to play. But he should be responsibly committed to providing attention and support throughout the pregnancy and, if possible, at the moment of birth.”63
There is a beauty, difficult to describe, when the father is an active part of the birthing process. Just as the spouses gave themselves to each other in the bedroom some nine months previously, they can complete that process in the birth room, offering themselves to each other for the sake of their family. As the mother literally holds the fruit of their love in her arms for the first time, it is a profound witness to the plan of God for the two to become one flesh. This flesh is now so real that they behold it with their eyes, hold it in their arms, and give it a name.
Birth is an unparalleled opportunity for a husband to witness the true feminine genius of his wife. There is a profound grace present in sacramental marriage, one that is ripe for the taking at the time of birth. As a woman labors she and her husband can draw upon God’s grace. This may be through prayer, service, physical support, or simply interior knowledge. It is wise for you and your husband to talk honestly and plainly beforehand about expectations for the birth. This may relieve pressure and fend off disappointment and dangerous resentment. While you cannot know exactly how things will play out, or the role you will need him to play during the birth, it is important for your marriage that you at least be on the same page going in.
My accidental discovery of my wife’s feminine genius during birth was a transformative experience for my marriage. It made me have a greater appreciation for my wife’s uniqueness as a woman and gave me permission to appreciate my own uniqueness as a man. Differences do exist. We’re equal but different, and there’s a beauty in that difference. The uniqueness makes each one even more special. There’s a liberation in understanding that … together, they bring what their children need to the family.
— Greg W., dad to five
Every man is unique, and each will have a different temperament and relationship with his wife. This doesn’t disappear in the birth room! The men who are more emotionally involved in normal life will be the ones more emotionally involved and offering support during birth. A husband who has difficulty expressing emotion or who doesn’t understand well how to best support his wife in other aspects of life will have that same struggle in the birth room. This is one reason why a good birth class can be so helpful. It can give him not only an understanding of what the heck is happening to his wife during birth, but also the tools to help support her.
A confident father is priceless to a laboring wife. Knowing that he is offering himself in whatever way she needs during birth gives her the freedom to labor with greater confidence. When he believes in her, it’s much easier for her to believe in herself. One of the tremendous roles a doula, nurse, or care provider can play in the birth room is offering the husband relief tools and confidence so he can pass these along to his wife. A provider (or nurse or doula) should never get in the way of the relationship between husband and wife.
Some ways that a father can be truly invaluable in the birth room are through physical support, such as back pressure, massage, head rubs, holding up his wife so she can relax or sway into a contraction, and more. He can be emotionally valuable by giving constant encouragement, letting her know how well she is doing, and exuding confidence in her abilities, from which she can then draw. It is important that he doesn’t make her feel embarrassed or silly at a time when she is especially sensitive and vulnerable, and that he recognize her beauty and power during birth and help her to know that. A husband should know his wife better than anyone else in the birth room, and from that he often best knows how to encourage her. Some women need active cheerleading and physical comfort; some may not want to be spoken to or touched at all. A husband’s emotional strength and stability provide a safe atmosphere for his wife to confidently labor and trust her body. Spiritual support from the father is also priceless, especially as the father is the spiritual head of the family. Having a father pray with his wife during the pregnancy, pray over her during birth, bless her with holy water, or speak words of Scripture over her has the ability to tap into that sacramental grace that is abundant and present for the taking.
Another way that fathers are necessary is by acting as a protector to their wives. The husband has the ability to protect his wife’s space, advocate for her birth plan, talk to the nurses and staff when she cannot, and let her know that she is safe. A woman in labor should not be worried about arguing for her rights or preferences, and if a provider, staff, or family member is not respecting her, their baby, or the space, the husband’s voice is especially helpful and powerful in protecting all of them before, during, and after birth, allowing her to focus on the work at hand.
It can often be a jarring experience for husbands during birth to see their wives in pain and vulnerable, knowing there is nothing they can do to “fix” it. While they can, of course, offer comfort, encouragement, back pressure, and hand-squeezing, the realization that this is not something they can take from their wives or do for them can be hard, if not frightening. It is difficult to watch someone we love fight a battle that we cannot take from them. However, it is a beautiful and awesome thing for him to surrender that desire and simply be with her in the experience. During birth, he can best show love by giving her the confidence that she can do it. Rather than attempt to fix it, he can choose to see her incredible strength. Rather than pushing choices on her that she may not truly want, he can honor and encourage her hopes for the birth, regardless of his preference.
I think I had the sense that my wife’s labor was something I could actively manage or “coach” and that was what was expected of the dad in the labor room. Our next birth was at home, and labor was very, very long. I found myself uncertain about my role during all of it, and this led to tremendous anxiety in me, which I am sure was reflected back to my wife. Over the next seven home births, I learned that the best role I could play was just to be present for my wife in labor — praying, a little comforting here and there when it seemed right, but being careful not to overdo it, keeping the house clean, and being the “tub guy.” For me, watching my wife in labor was still very stressful, and it always sounded good to me to be in the hospital. But our family has been so blessed by the opportunity to birth at home; I am so grateful that my wife sought this out. I would tell any dad going into this experience to not underestimate the power of just being present and calm