to “how to raise your children like I did.” I have made far too many mistakes for that! This book is about what I learned after digging into issues that took on added importance because I was a mother — it’s the book I wish I was given when I became a mom.
I first started covering family issues as a producer for CBS This Morning. The “Family Time” segment I produced reported on issues including divorce and its impact on children, childcare, early childhood education, family health, adolescence, work/family balance, the importance of fathers, aging — almost anything relating to families and kids.
After my daughter was born and I left CBS News to be a full-time mother, I began to write from home on those same issues, eventually becoming a senior editor for Salvo magazine and writing for the National Catholic Register. The topics I’ve covered range from the impact of pornography on children and teens, to the work of Dr. Miriam Grossman on the untruths of contemporary sex education in public schools, to the enormous influence on kids of both the culture and their peers, thanks to social media — to name a few.
Everything I’ve learned through my research and writing has provided the impetus for this book. I want to share what I’ve learned about the outsized influence the culture has on raising our kids, and what Christian parents can do to take back their families.
When I was growing up, the culture might not have been explicitly Christian, but it didn’t actively work against Christian morality and values, either. Today it does. If Christian parents want to stop this trend — especially before it gets worse — they need to think and act differently. Unfortunately, modern parents are often ill-equipped to do this because it isn’t only children who are negatively influenced by the culture: parents are, too. It’s easy to feel alone and insecure when you’re the only parent setting limits on screen time, or refusing to buy the latest tech gadget, or pulling your child out of sex ed class. It’s easy to feel like the “bad guy” when other parents are acting like their children’s friends.
For both parents and children, the cultural onslaughts are pervasive. Educators take it upon themselves to school students in culturally correct notions of gender, sex, and marriage. The click of a mouse or the touch of a smartphone can expose children to obscene pornographic images. The entertainment and advertising industries seem hell-bent on destroying childhood innocence and ramping up a propensity for materialism, to say nothing of promiscuity. With the pervasiveness of technology and social media, peers often replace parents as the primary influence in a child’s life.
Our goal as Christian parents is to guide our children toward heaven. That’s not where they’ll be directed if we let the culture raise our kids.
This book will show you how to be the parents your children need. You’ll learn how to lead your children with confidence and authority. You’ll discover where the pitfalls lie and just how dangerous the world can be for kids. But more importantly, you’ll acquire the skills needed to protect them from the many dangerous lies-disguised-as-truth that can lure them away from you, and away from the Faith.
Chapter 1
The Critical Role of Parents
During my years of writing about child raising, the one issue that has stood out above all others has been the changing role of parents. The doctors, therapists, and researchers I’ve interviewed, and the studies I’ve read, all seem to agree on two key points: First, modern parents are abdicating their role as authority figures. Second, children desperately need their parents to be authority figures.
The culture has shifted away from one that not only accepted, but encouraged “strict” parenting, to one that sees that word in a negative, even mocking light.
“Permissive parenting” was popularized in the 1970s. Today’s version is “positive parenting.” Modern parents are advised to affirm their children and avoid correcting them; they’re encouraged to be their children’s friends; they’re warned not to stifle their children’s creativity. “Discipline” now smacks of negativity. All of these make it that much more difficult for parents trying to raise children of faith, which requires both respectfulness and self-discipline. Not only can Christian parents feel as though they’re swimming against the tide, they can feel like they’re doing it alone.
Yet, I would venture to guess that if you were to ask most parents today — even very young parents — whether they would ever have dreamed of speaking to their parents the way their children talk to them (or the way they see other children interact with their parents), the answer would be a resounding “No!” I’m also guessing that most of us have witnessed children misbehaving in places such as restaurants, movie theaters, or other public spaces and cringed while their parents said and did nothing.
Have you ever imagined what happens when undisciplined tots become teenagers? Young children who don’t respect the authority of their parents don’t grow into adolescents who suddenly do. They’ll turn to the world, to their peers — as they’re hormonally inclined to do anyway — to decide what’s right and wrong. If parents don’t address this, they’re affirming the behavior.
You’ve already made the decision to raise your children as faithful Christians. That means you’re going to have to guide them through a world that actively works against that goal. The task ahead of you is daunting, but manageable. We live in a culture that condones abortion, mocks chastity, embraces gender fluidity, and devalues marriage. We live in a world where children and adolescents are increasingly more connected to their peers than their parents, particularly thanks to social media. We live in a time when educators teach politically correct values, not biblical ones.
If we want our children to follow us, instead of the culture, we need to gain their respect. We need our children to listen to us and to trust us, so that ours are the values they embrace, and ours are the voices they heed.
That means the first task is to become confident, authoritative parents.
What Being an Authority Means (and Why It Matters)
We associate authority with being stern, rigid, and tough. It is tempting to think of this as old-fashioned and unnecessary but being an authority figure for our children means being in charge. Plain and simple. It means being able to say “No.” It absolutely does not preclude being nurturing, caring, and loving. In fact, these are critical elements to being an effective authority figure.
Dr. Jane Anderson practiced as a pediatrician for thirty-five years and is now a Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California San Francisco. She’s also on the Board of Directors for the American College of Pediatricians. In an interview for the National Catholic Register, I asked her if authority is an important component of parenting. “It’s crucial. It’s the foundation of family. It’s the foundation of society,” she answered. “Authoritative parents are closest to the biblical concept of parents. These are parents who provide rules, provide standards — usually high standards — for their children. But they’re nurturing, responsive and loving. I call them the nurturing, loving, rule-setting parents.”1 Children raised by authoritative parents consistently have the best outcomes on a wide range of measures.2
In fact, as noted by the American College of Pediatricians, authoritative parenting is a specific style recognized by pediatricians and child psychologists as being the ideal.3 By contrast, permissive parents are reluctant to set rules and standards, while authoritarian parents are demanding, lack warmth, and are unresponsive to their children.
Anderson believes that as children learn to respect the authority of their parents, they learn to respect authority in society. More importantly, if children don’t acknowledge the authority of their parents, why should they believe that God has authority over them?
Just Can’t Say “No!”
William Doherty is director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. In his book, Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times, he talks about the disrespect and general coarseness