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the basics
me first?
There’s a voice inside each of us that says
“Me first.”
It tells us to please ourselves—to take
what we want and do what we like,
never mind about anybody else. If “me
first” had its way, we’d spend our days
trampling on one another’s rights and
feelings, and pretty soon the world
would be a snarling mess.
This is where manners come in.
Manners aren’t a bunch of rules
dreamed up by fusspots who want
to cramp your style. Manners help
people get along together. They
make us nicer. They teach us to put
ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
A girl who chooses to use good manners is telling the world she
believes that other people matter as much as she does. She’s saying
that life isn’t about what one person does for herself but about
what people can do together for the common good.
So who decides what’s polite and what’s not? We all do.
When we talk about manners, we’re talking about how most people
in a certain time and place think people should behave. What’s
polite in one country isn’t always polite in another. What was rude
fifty years ago isn’t always rude today. Manners depend a lot on
custom—and different customs often live side by side.
In a way, manners are not so much
a set of rules as they are a language
you use to tell other people what
they can expect from you. The
better you know the language, the
more you can say.
Are you trustworthy?
Do you think only of yourself?
Would you make a good friend or
a poor one?
after you
The way you talk with a good friend when you’re flopped on the grass
is very different from the way you talk to the principal in the hallway
at school. You change your style without thinking. And that’s good.
Manners recognize differences between people. There are certain things
people do that say “You’re number one” or “Your needs come first.”
These actions are called signs of deference, and to lots of people they
symbolize good manners. They’re rooted in tradition—and in kindness.
Deference turns up in all sorts of ways in manners, but here are a few
of the big ones.
Hold doors open for adults. When you and a friend are going
through a doorway, let her go ahead of you.
Guests go first. When you’re pouring lemonade, pour your friend’s
glass before you pour your own. When you start a game, let her have
the first turn. And when there’s only one cookie left? You know who
gets it.
Give up your seat on a crowded bus or subway to anybody who
looks as if he or she needs to sit down more than you do. This includes
older people and people with babies or small children.
Men and women have followed different rules in the past. For many
years, men were expected to give all these same signs of deference to
women. A polite man opened doors for a woman and let her enter first.
He stood when a woman entered a room at a party, and offered her
his seat. He walked between a woman and the curb on city streets to
protect her from any rain or dirt kicked up by a passing car. Many people
keep up these traditions today. Others prefer to see women show their
strength and independence by doing these things for themselves.
good impressions
We all know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover,
but the fact is that most of us do make judgments about
others based on how they look and talk. This is especially
true if we’re meeting someone for the first time.
Don’t let this business of appearances spook you.
Instead, try out the tips on these pages. You’ll look
more confident, and that can often