our strategy otherwise. This decision was made by me, at a meeting held within these four walls of the Compound just this Tuesday. By foul means, Keegan evidently infiltrated the room and passed on our plans to his paymasters.’
‘Absolute hogwash, that,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘Nowt to do with me whatsoever. You’re better than this, son.’
‘How is that proof?’ Attick asked again.
‘I know it in my bones,’ Leigh said. ‘Keegan is the spy. And I’m going to keep him rotting in that cell until I find some incontrovertible evidence. And believe me, I will find it.’
‘Well, if that’s where we’re at, that’s where we’re at,’ Attick said, folding his paperwork away and tucking his pen into the top pocket of his ridiculous shirt.
‘What, so I can go then?’ I asked. ‘I mean, he has no proof, after all.’
‘Go?’ Attick frowned. ‘Why, of course not. General Leigh is calling the shots here. Until you’re ruled out as a suspect, if indeed you ever are, you’re here at his pleasure. I can’t do anything about that.’
‘This is a travesty!’ I cried. ‘I’ve seen some injustices in my time but this takes the bloody cake!’
Leigh gave me a cold look and stood up alongside Brody.
‘It won’t be so bad, I’m sure,’ Attick said, placing a meaty, sympathetic hand on my shoulder. ‘You’ve just got to keep a positive attitude.’
‘And in the meantime, you’ll try to find proof that I’m not the spy, yeah?’ I asked hopefully.
‘What?’ He seemed genuinely surprised. ‘No, of course not. I only do this part time; I’m back at the day job this afternoon. I make birdhouses.’
I deflated like a football after an Al Shearer piledriver.
‘All the best, Mr Coogan,’ he said. ‘Tomorrow’s Friday – you’ve managed almost a working week inside already. The months and… well, yes, most probably years will fly by.’
I felt like crying right there in the interrogation room. Leigh had won. He’d destroyed Palangonia FC and now he’d broken Kevin Keegan too. I couldn’t face a fifth day inside. If the L’zuhl really were on the warpath as the General claimed, I didn’t want my fate to be sitting in a cell watching mankind crumble to nothing around me. Hearing that many thousands of lives had been lost the night before was horrifying, even without the responsibility being laid at my feet. Christ, what would my lads think of me when I copped the blame for that? I mean, it’s not like I could even— Wait one damn minute!
‘Attick!’ I cried, and my idiot lawyer/birdhouse maker paused in the doorway and looked back at me.
‘You okay?’ he asked, sounding concerned.
‘Okay?’ I asked. ‘I’m better than okay, son. I’m a free man. Get the General back here right now!’
THE LIGHT BULB
‘Kev! So happy to see you!’
Gerry fired off a party popper right in my face; I winced and pushed him away.
‘Let’s try to keep some dignity, please,’ I scolded him.
Still, it felt absolutely fantastic to walk back into my old flat again. The black-and-white striped Newcastle United wallpaper, the weird damp smell that I couldn’t shift. I was home. Gerry had crudely put up some decorations around the walls and had hung a large banner that read GOOD LUCK, KEV! which I’m pretty sure he’d recycled from the time I went on Celebrity Mastermind in 2011. That was a catastrophe by the way – no one told me you were allowed to pass on a question, so when I didn’t know the answer to the first one I just sat there in silence for two minutes.
‘You look pretty good, considering,’ Gerry observed in a backhanded-compliment sort of way. ‘I thought you’d be all emaciated and have tattoos on your face and all that.’
‘I was only in for four days,’ I said – though it had felt like a lifetime. I couldn’t help wondering how this experience would change me, the psychological damage it might have inflicted on my personality. Would I ever be the same Kevin Keegan again?
‘There’s a buffet in the kitchen,’ Gerry said, leading me through.
‘Cracking,’ I said. ‘I’ll tell you, honestly, I will love it if there are those battered prawns on sticks – love it.’
In the kitchen, to my surprise, were many more familiar faces. Alongside Barrington12 stood Rodway, who beamed as I came in. Squeezed in like sardines around the small table were all my lads – Gribble, Little Dunc, Wiggins, Nightingale and several more, including two or three whose names I’d never quite caught and was too embarrassed to ask. I was swelling with pride (and also from being a bit backed up after four stressful days in the clink). Standing in the corner holding a glass of wine was Gillian. I was astonished when she approached and gave me a peck on the cheek.
‘It’s so good to have you home,’ she said, smiling warmly. ‘I was horrified when I heard what had happened, I really was. I’d have come to visit you in there immediately, but I’ve been stuck in endless Council meetings. I repeatedly tried to call a vote to have your arrest rescinded given the flimsy evidence the General had on you, but he carries a lot of sway on the Council and boy, does he know it.’
I had to admit, I was rather surprised by this. The idea that Gillian had pulled out all the stops to try to secure my release… could that really be true? Or was she merely making excuses after the fact for her own inaction, to pretend that she had never doubted me?
‘Thank you for trying,’ I said eventually, still feeling dazed. ‘Hello, everyone.’
‘And so say all of us!’ said Gerry. Trust him to make me look a tit in front of them all.
‘Great to have you back, gaffer,’ Rodway said through a mouthful of caramel éclair. (It was a bit rude that they’d all cracked on with the buffet before I’d arrived, but I thought better of saying anything.) ‘Hasn’t Gillian done you proud with the spread?’
‘Gillian made all this?’ I asked, astonished. I reflected again on what she had said a few moments earlier. Maybe, just maybe, she really was on my side after all.
‘Hidden talents I guess!’ Rodway said. ‘We’re all just so glad to see you home.’
‘And you,’ I said, trying to blink back the tears that I could feel welling behind my eyes. ‘All of you. It’s fantastic to have your support at a time like this. My name’s been dragged through the mud this past week.’
‘I’d have loved to have seen the look on old Leigh’s face when you broke the news to him,’ Gerry said with a delighted cackle.
Leigh had turned a worrying shade of grey when I called him and Brody back in and put the blindingly obvious fact to him: if the attack on the Alliance arsenal the night before had been as a result of someone leaking those plans to the L’zuhl, how on Earth could it have possibly been me? The meeting in which Leigh and the Alliance had made their plans to move ships to Adelphi Six had been on Tuesday night. I’d been in the nick since lunchtime on Monday. I was exonerated. Leigh was completely unapologetic (apart from when he begrudgingly apologised to me as I was released) and looked more worried about the fact that his work in catching the spy would have to continue than about my own welfare. Typical. Always thinking about himself.
‘Serves them all right for making up this whole spy nonsense in the first place,’ Gerry said.
‘No, I’ve changed my mind on that part at least,’ I corrected him. ‘I did initially believe it was all a ruse, a plot to