U.S. air, naval, and ground forces on maneuvers in Shimoda without first informing Japan's Self Defense Forces. . . .
"I know you've never been to Yokota, Yokosuka, or Shimoda, but that's not what I meant by not writing 'close to home,' " counseled the famous editor/publisher. "Besides, subtlety plays a role in good writing."
It was a dark and stormy night when Biff Straight, President of the Tokyo American Club, announced that members violating any rules at the Club would be lined up at the edge of the uncovered pool and summarily executed. . . .
"That's better," agreed the famous editor/publisher, "but just a little too dramatic. Think about what you do at work."
It was a dark and stormy night . . .
"Doesn't anything happen to you in the goddam daytime?" queried the famous editor/publisher.
It was a cold and grey afternoon when Bart Holstein, CEO of a major international conglomerate and my boss' boss' boss, arrived in Tokyo and began to chew ass. . . .
"You know Max," advised the famous editor/publisher, "I had in mind something a little different. For your own safety, if nothing else, write about commonplace things."
The day they discovered poisoned meat at National Azabu Supermarket, . . . "
Could we get together again, Max, and discuss this project?" suggested you-know-who. "I'm interested in reevaluating our editorial thrust."
It was during this second meeting of editor/publisher and prospective writer—a meeting held at the very same teahouse near the LaForet Museum—that the idea struck both men. Such a clever idea it was too, both men agreed. The project began at once.
Since that red-letter day the foreign community in Japan has had the benefit of the type of wisdom readily available in the syndicated newspaper columns and journals back home. A real community service was born in the personification of politeness itself. The beloved Mr. Etiquette made the first of many regular and helpful appearances. And what would we all do without him?
Mr. Etiquette
DISPENSING RULES of etiquette—be they social, sexual, or business—is a bigtime industry. And it has been so for many years.
The leisure class particularly has always been concerned with "proper behavior" and its attendant rules and regulations. (It's one of the few things peasants, sloshing about in the mud, seldom worried about.)
Schools and academies, wherein the study of manners and form comprised the bulk of the curriculum, flourished in seventeenth- and eighteenth-century Europe. Later, Victorian England managed to combine empire-building (and the accompanying new wealth) with heavy doses of "civilized propriety." ("Correctness in manner and speech must follow, even whilst in association with local inhabitants and related peoples of colonial jurisdictions."—Standards, J.L. B. Clarke, 1885. Author's emphasis.)
Many of the earliest schools in the New World, particularly the New England "women's seminaries," were merely transplanted fabrications of the Old World finishing-school concept. "Hard" academic disciplines were disdained in favor of the "softer" (and therefore more civilized) literature and manners curriculi. Trade-school laborers built the bridges, gentlemen owned them.
The situation in Japan was not much different historically. Traditional pursuits such as flower arranging, the tea ceremony, and brush painting were in the domain of those of leisure. The restraint and control necessary for accomplishment are the precise requirements for evolving rules of polite behavior and standards of etiquette. It's all so civilized.
Things have changed a bit, however. Even the masses now have leisure. They must be instructed. The sheer number of people interested in the rules of etiquette necessarily alters the nature of instruction. Personal guidance, as in the days of yore, can no longer deliver the product. ("Sir Humphrey, one never wears boots to bed," or "Midori-san, you holding teacup upside down desu.")
Rules, guidelines, and general information regarding proper behavior are now in the hands of mass media. With that in mind, and with the understanding that not all situations in this respect have been covered in the past, Max Danger offers the following as a service to the expat community in Japan.
1. Never bow from the waist while standing with your back against shoji. Hindquarters, in extension, will rip paper and break wooden slats, thereby dislodging the paper doors from their framework, which in turn will collapse on and about your person. Japanese rarely see this sort of thing, and it therefore detracts from the good impression originally intended by the bow. Plus, one never knows who will be embarrassed by whatever's behind the now-demolished screen.
2. When bowing in close quarters, the bower should strategize the manuever so that the head dips to the left of the bowee. No one else knows this rule, but common sense dictates the creation of a practical custom so that concussive injuries to the head and shoulders are avoided.
3. Never experiment with the knobs and dials on toilets in modern Japanese homes. Not only might fuses be blown in the immediate neighborhood, but powerful jets of "body-heated" water can lead to an environmental mishap difficult to repair with toilet paper and hand towels. Detailed instructions are necessary for the operation of such space-age toilets, but social gatherings are not the proper occasions for tutelage. Do your business and leave—touching nothing.
4. Never wear toilet slippers back into the living room in a Japanese home. And understand that people dwelling on tatami mats cannot be mollified by attempts at humor. ("Golly, here I go again. I can never remember to change these danged things. Ha, ha, ha.")
5. Do not ask for milk and sugar with your Japanese green tea. It's not done. And it tastes awful.
6. The words "I do not speak English very well" mean something different, in relative terms, than the words "I do not speak Japanese very well." Under- and overstatements are involved. Therefore, the words "I can't understand these people—they seem so nice but I still don't trust them" should be used with utmost discretion. They've been heard before.
7. Always leave the elevator first if you're a man. If you're a woman, leave last but out of politeness keep your finger on the "close" button as you're exiting until the very moment before your arm is ripped from your shoulder by the closing doors.
8. Always slurp soup. Never slurp sushi. Always eat curried rice with a spoon the size of those your grandmother used when mixing dough for pies. Never stop pouring beer for your drinking companions until the foam erupts and spills all over table and laps. Always feign surprise when this happens.
9. Immediately approach and speak to the Japanese man wearing a wristwatch that: a) fits, and b) is made anywhere but in Japan. He's lonely.
10. All stories involving the following colloquialisms should never be repeated in Japan. The subsequent explanations required will take more time than the story is worth, and subways stop running around midnight.
a) A horse of a different color.
b) A pig in a poke.
c) A snake in the grass.
d) Birds of a feather.
e) Raining cats and dogs.
f) The ease with which a camel goes through the eye of a needle.
g) Made a monkey out of me.
h) He's a complete ass (or a pain therein).
i) Donkey's years.
j) The eye of an eagle.
k) The heart of a lion.
1) The wisdom of an owl.
m) A wolf in sheep's clothing.
n) A bull in a china shop.
o) Crying wolf.
p) Spots