The Book of the Bivvy. Ronald Turnbull

There are more interesting things to think about than whether you can grab back five minutes on the ascent of Waun Fach.

      But time doesn’t give in so easily. Can you keep right on to St David’s without ever knowing how late it is? Or will you fall back into the valleys and have to stop at a clock?

      Things

      You can spend many interesting hours deciding what items to buy, and many slightly less interesting ones earning the money. But, disappointingly, your fellow walkers aren’t going to go Gore-tex green with envy at your cool new bivvybag.

      This is because the bivvybag is the item that encourages you to get rid of other items. You’ve saved 2kg/4½lb on the tent; why not save a bit more by not taking the cooker? The bivvybag attitude tends to disobey the Consumer Imperative. It doesn’t bother to shave, and keeps warm under many thin layers of worn-out stuff it should have thrown away four years ago. As you get further and further from the car park, the breathable jackets get shabbier, the hats are bobble instead of fleece, the boots are scratched and old. Four hours out you meet the breeches. Eight hours out it’s the rucksack fixed with string. And on the furthest, loneliest hilltop, as the stars come out, is the chap or lassie in the bag.

      For this is the thingless thing, the genuinely money-saving purchase. By its aid you climb the Hill Difficulty into the Cloud of Unknowing.

      Also, by the time you unroll the nice new bag, everyone who could have admired it has cleared off down to the pub.

      Diogenes the Dog

      A bivouac is defined as any form of shelter less than a tent. It could be breathable Sympatex, it could be sheepskin, or it could be a woollen plaid. The only timber bivvybag on record was inhabited by Diogenes the Cynic in the third century BC. He had to, as he was 2400 years before Gore-tex.

      The timber bivvybag hasn’t ever caught on, but Diogenes is still the founder of bivvybag philosophy. The treasures of this world – flashy jackets, walking poles, the satellite GPS navigator – cause only grief and envy. The absence of a marble palace or a flexible-pole domeline tent may be more enjoyable than the proud possession of it. Sadly only two lines of dialogue from this original master have come down through the ages. Alexander the Great came to visit the barrel. ‘Hi,’ he said, ‘I’m Alexander the Great.’

      ‘And I am Diogenes the Cynic.’

      A nasty smell came from inside the barrel. The bed appeared to be a pile of old rope. ‘Ah – ahem. As the greatest emperor in the world so far, is there anything I can do for you?’

      ‘Yes there is,’ said our hero. ‘Could you shift yourself a little bit to the side? You’re standing in my light.’

      While on a sea voyage Diogenes was captured by pirates and sold as a slave in Corinth. He was purchased by a rich man who found him amusing. But you don’t have to be rich to buy a basic Milair bivvybag.

      You just have to find it amusing.

      Miguel