they pleased, but suffering from the lack of boundaries. They may have had to tiptoe around alcoholism, or maybe they tried to ignore domestic violence in the home.
These children grew up and got married and had kids of their own, and maybe they struggled to find a balance between preserving the idyllic parts of their own childhoods and trying to ensure their children had a better life in other ways. As the prevalence of divorce expanded, and as women developed more agency and financial independence, the times were definitely a-changing.
The Baby Boomers didn’t know what to do. Nothing was the same as it used to be. They were growing up during the sexual revolution and had better access to birth control. Feminism was gaining more and more traction, as Baby Boomer women made up 45 percent of the labor force and overtook men in the completion of college degrees. In the midst of all this change, how were the Boomers to effectively raise the next generation?
Part of working through your own childhood traumas with the help of a trained therapist is to put yourself in the shoes of your parents and understand the source of their behavior. This does not mean you have to forgive them, but it can be helpful in understanding that it’s not your fault. Your parents were not perfectly healthy and well-adapted people who mistreated you because of something inherently wrong with you. They were mistreated as well, as were their parents before them. It does not excuse what happened to you, but it gives greater context.
Abuse is never the victim’s fault. When we begin to understand that this applies on a generational scale as well as an individual one, we can see how to break the cycle of generational blame. It’s not that Millennials are suddenly a group of whining, spoiled, entitled brats. Generation X was called a generation of lazy slackers. Boomers had their own challenges from the generation before them. Each generation is prone to lose their own context and ability to relate to the younger crowd when society starts heaping all the blame on the next generation. Let’s stop the cycle.
Solutions for Adult Children of Emotionally Abusive Parents
First, understand that it’s not your fault if your parents ignored or overprotected you. It was nothing wrong or broken within you that caused their behavior. It is okay to acknowledge that your parents hurt you. In fact, they actively impeded your development, independence, and autonomy. You deserve to figure out your own way in life, and you will not feel fulfilled by following someone else’s prescribed path for you or spending your life chasing someone’s approval.
Begin to distance yourself from your parents and set boundaries with them. Depending on their level of involvement in your life, this might be as easy as not always picking up the phone when they call, or it might be as hard as having to sit them down and explain that you need some space. I also implore you to find a good therapist who can help you sift through your brain and establish boundaries with your parents.
It’s possible that, with a lot of work on boundaries and open lines of communication, you can reconcile with your parents. However, a fundamental part of reconciliation is their willingness to admit they harmed you. If they insist that they did nothing wrong or make excuses about why they behaved the way they did, you may end up spending years of your life in the same cycles with them.
Good parents practice unconditional love. They don’t threaten to disown their children or change their locks if somebody comes home with a nose ring. (True story.)
How to Make Sure You’re Killing It
Talk to your child self. One thing you can do, if you have leftover childhood tapes playing loops in your brain and getting in your way, is to dig up an old photo of yourself as a kid. Tape it to your mirror, keep it in your wallet, or snap a photo of it on your smartphone. Now comes the fun part: Talk to yourself as a child. Go back to those moments when your parents or other trusted adults said or did something to you that created a wound in your life. Pretend that you have come upon a child crying over those very things, and comfort the child. Tell the child that it is not their fault, and that they are not worthless, they are not doomed to be alone for their entire life, they are not only worth something if a man loves them. Give the child your love, and understand that it wasn’t your fault.
Act like Spock. This was one thing I did when I started to distance myself from my mother. I just acted like I was an alien or researcher on an investigative mission, observing my mother’s behavior through the lens of someone who didn’t have a history with her. I was able to keep my distance and avoid getting worked up emotionally over things she said to me, because I had this researcher hat on instead of letting her get to me with her not-so-subtle criticisms.
Decide on your boundaries. What you will accept from other people is up to you. If they can’t listen, kick them out of your life. Spend some time deciding what you will and will not accept from people, especially your parents. If they’re still calling you a childhood nickname you don’t want to go by, tell them. If they insist on calling you the name even though you’ve asked them not to, they’re violating a boundary. It’s a small boundary, but it’s a boundary just the same. Communicate your boundaries and stick to them.
Do your homework. Reading books about toxic parents and childhood abuse can be extremely helpful in understanding the ways your childhood experiences shaped your behavior as an adult. I’ve been reading books like this for over five years and still uncover something new with each new title I read. Some of my favorites include Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and Daughter Detox by Peg Streep.
There is no such thing as perfect. You might cut contact with a parent or family member and then end up running into them, having to see them at a family event, or otherwise initiating contact again. This doesn’t mean you’ve screwed up or you have to start all over again. Go back to the level of contact that feels good for you and don’t worry that you didn’t do it perfectly. You’re fine. You’re doing awesome.
Chapter 3
Millennials Are Killing the Workplace
“Did Millennials Kill the 9-to-5 Workday, or Just Point Out That It’s Dead?”
—Entrepreneur, March 2016
“Working with Millennials is the worst”
—New York Post, September 2016
When I applied for my current job, the woman who would become my new boss wrote me an email inviting me for a phone interview. She happened to mention that the company offered flexible scheduling and work-from-home days, which she correctly assumed would be a big draw for me, since the job included a hefty commute. I spoke with her on the phone, and we already got along great before I came in for my in-person interview. I left the building feeling confident and super-excited.
Then I hit a deer and totaled my car on the way home. I decided to take this as a sign to keep moving forward, rather than a sign that this was a terrible job for me. Like the Universe was saying, “You sure about a new job, buddy? That’s a real long commute.” Alas, the pull of the quirky college town, along with the fact that I negotiated a pretty bitchin’ salary raise over my previous role, were enough to sway me with very little arm-twisting.
When I started the new gig, I asked with some anxiety and hesitation if it would be okay if I went home at four instead of five, so I could leave while it was still daylight. Winter’s short days are a giant downer anyway, even if you haven’t recently crashed the car you’ve had for eight years right into a buck. My manager, still super-excited to have me on board and assure me that the deer was not a sign of my impending doom with the company, readily agreed.
Even though some employers grumble about the entitled Millennials wanting flextime and work-from-home opportunities, it turns out that flexible schedules aren’t that hard to offer employees! And the employees really appreciate it! Who would have thought, right?
There’s been an explosion in flexible schedules in what used to be standard nine-to-five workplaces, including perks like telecommuting and flextime. It’s not just Millennials taking advantage of these growing trends, but of course the responsibility rests with us if you listen to the media headlines, like the one from