with the television set? Your best friend's parents? Drugs or alcohol? Was one of your parents an alcoholic? Did you live in a pig sty? Did your parents fail to teach you the basics of self-care, how to wash your face and brush your teeth and comb your hair?
If you were neglected, you tend to feel unworthy of the good things life has to offer and you tend to neglect yourself in the same way you were neglected early on. If you were left with the TV as a baby-sitter, never talked to by your parents, or not provided with the basic necessities, you probably don't know how to bring nourishing experiences into your life to sustain or inspire you. You neglect yourself.
You feel bad that you can't seem to buy the new coat, get yourself to the gym, stimulate your intelligence with good films or books, or find friends who will talk about the things that are important to you—and, most likely, you also beat yourself up for not giving yourself more or better attention.
Abandonment
Were you abandoned? Did one of your parents die? Was one of your parents away for a very long time during your childhood? Did one or both of your parents work so much that you hardly ever had any time to spend with them? Did your father disappear after your parents' divorce? Your mother? Were you emotionally abandoned? Did no one ever listen to or care about your feelings?
If you were abandoned, you tend to abandon yourself— that is, not stick up for yourself or be an ally to yourself in situations where you should clearly speak or act out on your own behalf. You probably also find yourself in situations where you are abandoned—your friends go off on a trip without you, you marry a workaholic who never comes home, your best friend moves across the country and then never writes or calls.
In general, you tend to be in relationships where people, for one reason or another, aren't able to be by your side or won't be loyal to you; and you very likely think that somehow this is your fault.
Abuse
Were you sexually or physically abused? Molested? Beaten? Were you verbally abused? Criticized, put down, made fun of? Were you emotionally abused? Were the nature, depth, and truth of your feelings ignored or denied? Were you called “too sensitive”? Were one or both of your parents narcissistic, that is, so impressed and involved with themselves that they took all the emotional attention, and gave none to you? Were you spiritually abused? In other words, do you have some special gift, intuition, or insight that was ignored or denigrated by your parents or siblings?
If you were abused emotionally, you tend to pick on yourself, be critical of yourself, put yourself down, and not feel that you deserve love, consideration, or care from others. You allow yourself to be treated poorly emotionally by others—let them run over your feelings, be hysterical in your presence, or critical of you; and you probably beat yourself up for allowing this to happen.
If you were physically or sexually abused you very likely perpetuate this abuse by not being kind to your body, not feeding it well, being overweight, having addictions that are physically destructive, or forming relationships with abusive people. You likely also blame yourself for not being able to find better situations and for once again allowing yourself to be treated so badly.
Rejection
Were you rejected? Did one of your parents wish you'd never been born? Did they wish you were a boy instead of a girl, or vice versa? Did you play second fiddle to another child in your family? A pack of siblings? A favored brother or sister? A twin? Were you in general ignored? Treated as if you didn't exist?
If you were rejected, you are likely to be self-rejecting, good at finding fault with yourself, and unconsciously seeking out experiences where you are not chosen or valued. You blame yourself for being in these situations but continue to find yourself drifting toward them anyway. Being left out and not being valued are familiar to you, and you tend to think this is all you deserve.
You very likely believe there's something about you which is the real reason you didn't get invited to the party—you're too loud or too shy—and why you aren't accepted by the group of friends you'd like to be a part of. You have difficulty feeling valued, feeling that you deserve to belong.
Emotional Suffocation
Were you emotionally suffocated? Did you have an overly protective or overly involved parent? Was one of your parents sexually seductive? Did one of your parents treat you as a spouse? Did one of your parents tell you all his or her troubles? Were your parents overbearing? Emotionally invasive? Did they insist on knowing your every move? Judging your every action? Did they forbid you to have any friends but them?
If you were emotionally suffocated or had to serve as a surrogate spouse to one of your parents, you often feel overwhelmed by people's simple desire for contact, and you are very likely commitment phobic. Because of this you feel frustrated in your desire for love, knowing you need and want it, but heading for the hills each time it shows up because of your fear of emotional suffocation.
You find some way to blame yourself for the fact that love eludes you and it can be difficult for you to take the normal, or, in your case, the very tender and gentle steps toward love that could resolve your life theme.
Deprivation
Were you deprived? Did you grow up in poverty? Do without the basic necessities of life? Were you deprived of physical or emotional contact with one or both of your parents or siblings due to difficult circumstances? Did you grow up in a foster home? Were you emotionally deprived? Was your mother too busy or drunk or exhausted to give you any attention? Your father too busy reading the paper to ever talk to you?
If your life theme is deprivation, you tend to shortchange yourself. You “do without,” and feel that this is enough for you, that you don't deserve more, or better, while at the same time judging and criticizing yourself for not being able to improve your situation.
You may keep to yourself, not allowing yourself to receive from others, and then feel the reason you don't is that somehow you don't deserve it. You feel that you should provide better things for yourself while at the same time blaming yourself for not doing just that.
You and Your Life Theme
Take a minute to think about what you've just read. Do you understand your life theme now? Write down the general theme that most accurately describes your history. Then write about a few of the experiences that contributed to the creation of your life theme. For example:
My life theme is abandonment. I experienced it when my father left after my parents divorced and again when my mother died when I was twenty-three. I also experienced it when my dog, Toto, died and when Joe broke up with me.
My life theme is:
As you go along in this book and take steps to change the way you feel about yourself, notice how the behaviors that are most necessary for you to undertake on your own behalf are specifically related to your life theme.
Compensation and Your Theme
As we have seen, there are many events and experiences in your early childhood that combine to create your life theme. Your theme profoundly affects the way you feel about yourself. It also leads to the creation of a whole slew of behaviors you don't even realize you're developing. That's because one way or another, you start adjusting your behavior in response to your theme.
In psychological terms, this process is called compensation. Some children compensate for the fact that they're being treated imperfectly by trying to be better and better, by saying, in effect, I'll do everything my mother and father want—maybe that way they'll love me, maybe that way our life will improve. Now that Daddy's died, I'll take care of Mommy. If I'm really quiet, maybe Daddy will stop drinking. If I give them all my baby-sitting money, maybe we won't be so poor.