this book, I'd have to say Dawn ranks at the top of the resilience list. Nothing could destroy her, no matter how dire—sexual abuse, rape, being beaten by cops, being jailed, going through detox and treatment more than two dozen times. Nothing kept her from continuing to put one foot in front of the other. And now at sixty she models to others that no matter how hard life is, taking it one day at a time makes it tolerable. Survivable. Even enjoyable.
Before moving on, let me reiterate some of the ideas outlined here for easy reference and as a practical outline for changing your behavior. To be resilient means being willing to try again, even when the odds don't look good.
It means not letting failure deter you from the willingness to keep trying—to move forward regardless.
It means believing there is a path that has been charted for you and staying on it even when you stumble.
It means being a willing example for others that you can make lemonade even when the lemons come in bushels.
Resilience is a trait that can be honed by all but is avoided by many because of fear of failure. (I'm reminded of the story about Thomas Edison and his perfection of the light bulb. He made more than five thousand attempts before he succeeded in getting one that continued to burn, and he was convinced that every one of the failures was serving the purpose of getting him closer to his goal.)
There is nothing magical about resilience. It's a decision before it's anything else. And then it's a commitment to execute the plan. Every story I shared in this chapter, brief though they were, provided an example of how really simple it is to demonstrate resilience.
It's getting up again and again when one falls.
It's letting the past be past rather than allowing it to control the present or forecast the future.
Dawn, for example, might well have given up dozens of times, but quitting wasn't in her vocabulary. She has rewritten her story. Her ending will not mirror her parents' ending. What she has, the willingness to rebound, they did not possess. What she has, any one of us can claim for ourselves. The choice is available. Choose wisely.
Further Reflection
Let's take a moment to recall an earlier time when we practiced one or two of the suggestions that were demonstrated in this chapter. And if you haven't made a practice of any of them yet, can you remember a situation that would have been a perfect opportunity to express resilience? If you were able to re-experience the circumstance and take advantage of the chance to practice resilience, what might it look like? Share your thoughts with a friend, or in a journal. We can only make something our own when we practice it and then tell someone else about it too. Forge ahead!
2
Choosing Perseverance
Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.
Babe Ruth
Perseverance is the key to success. Anyone's success. It's the dedication to move forward regardless of the odds against you, regardless of the mini-failures along the way. It's buckling down and saying, to yourself or sometimes to others too, I can do this! It's refusing to give up even when at first we don't succeed. Perseverance is resilience transformed into positive action. If resilience is the tool handed over by adversity, perseverance is the ongoing building project as you put those tools to work.
Perseverance is the absolute decision to stick to a goal in spite of setbacks. It's never giving up, even in the face of constant barriers. It's saying “yes” when all the signs around you point to “NO!”
The above quote strikes at the very heart of focused and fought-for success. The eventual overcoming of the dire circumstances that so many of us grew up in depends on perseverance. These are circumstances that bespeak certain failure, and yet millions rise above it. What is in their makeup that propels them forward in spite of the odds? For some I think it's sheer determination to “show them,” particularly those who put us down so often. According to the dictionary, perseverance is “steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.” That describes Charlie, the pilot, to a tee.
Charlie's father couldn't bring himself to praise Charlie about anything. While it was true that Charlie did bring shame on himself and his family in his youth by way of some of his pranks, like the time he “accidentally” burned down the garage, he also accomplished many remarkable feats through his creativity. His dad overlooked these feats, unable to see beyond the disappointments.
One of the remarkable things Charlie shared with me, and the one example that reflects perseverance most, is the way he went about getting his first job as a pilot. And this was after the perseverance it took to complete all of his training and get every license that was possible for a pilot to attain, including two that are the Ph.D. of all aviation licenses: an Air Transport Pilot License and an Airframe and Powerplant License.
After completing his training, Charlie made hundreds of copies of his résumé and sent them to every airline large and small throughout the country. Then got in his car and headed west, visiting every regional airport he came to. He was turned away by more than one hundred, he said, but in every instance, he thanked the interviewer, telling them, “You are helping me get closer to the one who will finally say yes and offer me a job.” Sure enough, that one finally beckoned. This story astounded me and it proves my point, and Babe Ruth's too, that no failure is the end; it's just a rung on the ladder of success.
Those who are successful decide, again and again, that they will not give up or give in to failure.
My own experience with writing a three-hundred-page dissertation taught me that committing to climb the spiral staircase every day and writing for four hours, one word at a time, could produce something remarkable. I wasn't a scholar, but I was committed to finishing what I had begun. Sticking with any project, regardless of its size or complexity, is what success is made of. I don't kid myself into thinking my particular dissertation was the best one ever submitted to an American Studies Ph.D. committee, but I think a good part of the committee's approval was based on my unrelenting commitment to finishing the degree I had begun. It was a labor of love, one to which each committee member also committed at an earlier time in his or her life.
Perseverance is about moving onward and upward regardless of the many boulders that roll in our way, or that are placed there by other “travelers” who, for their own ego-related reasons, want to hinder our success. Those competitors are real. They will trip us up, if we allow them to. Envy and fear push them to try to deter others from the success they lust after.
The many individuals I interviewed for this book display a hallmark of real achievement: they have not allowed the naysayers to successfully deter them. Many begin the journey, but surmounting the boulders is too daunting. Growing up in a dysfunctional home makes the path to success even more precarious. However, for those of us who travel this path through dysfunction and arrive at long-sought success, it is all the sweeter. Those you are reading about here are evidence.
Perseverance is applying ourselves to a task, over and over again, until we feel satisfied with the results.
Let me tell you now about Carl. He too succeeded, but not before dark clouds enveloped him many times. Like so many of us, he never lived up to his dad's dream. From childhood on, when he couldn't catch a ball that was tossed at him, or ride a bike when the other boys did, or read a book without stumbling over the words, his dad heaped shame on him. “What's the matter with you, you dummy?” was a common taunt. Carl said he cried regularly, but tried to hide his tears because they invited even more shame and more frequent teasing. Fortunately, Carl's mother soothed his feelings, but she didn't confront Dad. She, too, feared his derision.
Even though much later in life Carl came to understand his father's own fear of failure, his psyche had been wounded to the core. It stood in the way of his early attempts at success. He wasn't able to handle college work—not because he wasn't smart enough, but