paying the IRS and the other creditors what they were owed. He persevered. One foot in front of the other, year in and year out, until the books were balanced. This was his goal, and eventually he made good on every last penny owed.
In the process, he realized he needed another profession that paid more, and he went back to school. That was a wise decision. He learned the finer points of computer science, including web design, and started his own business. He successfully manages that company today. What he doesn't know, he figures out; nothing is too daunting for his inquisitive mind. Nothing is so overwhelming that one who perseveres can't rise above it. Harry is a great case in point, as are Carl, Charlie, and me, too.
Perseverance is learning to rely on the successful examples of others. These individuals are not on one's path accidentally.
When people like us are confronted with what looks like the impossible, we turn to the resources we have mastered. For some it's prayer and meditation. For others it's seeking the guidance of friends, counselors, and mentors—even going to the Internet for clues. The important point here is that perseverance is a tool and a gift to be appreciated when one sees the effectiveness of its application. Never giving up is the underlying key, always.
Before moving on, let's reiterate some of the key points regarding perseverance. If you need encouragement to persevere, perhaps these few reminders will give you the boost you need:
Those who are successful simply decide, again and again, that they will not give up or give in. Determination is what they have.
They rely on the successful examples of others in their lives—individuals who are there for a reason. Lest we forget, no one is on our path accidentally!
They discover that our teachers are always present to help us see what our next step should be.
In most instances perseverance means simply to apply ourselves to a task, over and over again, until we feel satisfied with the results. We won't be perfect in our efforts the first time, or even the last. Perfection isn't our goal. Perseverance is, and it's attainable.
It's ongoing. Not a single act.
Perseverance is oftentimes doing more than what's expected.
It requires full attention for the long haul, but the payoff begins immediately.
And finally, it's being steadfast, not letting failure deter you from staying committed to the goal.
Further Reflection
Take some time to share in a journal or with a friend some of your experiences with this trait. If you have too few successes with it so far, can you see where you might have made good use of it? Can you take a few moments, now, to “re-vision” the situation, living it more successfully? This will help to create the habit of living this way more often.
Both resilience and perseverance can feel like a heavy load, a long trek over rocky terrain. But neither can be accomplished effectively without what we're going to explore in the next chapter: a sense of humor. Having a sense of humor lightens anyone's load. And those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes have realized, as perhaps few others do, the value of being able to laugh at our past and our exaggerated reactions to it. Let's turn to those examples now.
3
Relishing a Sense of Humor
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to the tightrope you walk throughout your life.
William Arthur Ward
Every person I interviewed for this book had been forced to walk a tightrope in their family of origin. Remarkably, each and every one of them displayed a good sense of humor. Because they successfully survived families marked by extreme dysfunction—families that appeared unconsciously intent on destroying the lives of every family member—these individuals clung to the life raft of humor, finding ways to laugh when the slightest opportunity presented itself. It takes a special willingness to shift one's perception, to see whatever is before you in a new light. A sense of humor is often the key as “survivors” learn to not only make the best of a situation but to turn it into an advantage. Being able to smile at how stuck you were previously lightens one's load in the moment. My own experience has shown me that it lightens one's load for the long haul too.
What does this sense of humor look and feel like? What comes first to my mind is that deep belly laugh that erupts within us, often over the silliest things—perhaps something kind of dumb that a friend or even a small child says. It's being able to identify with the many humorous situations in sitcoms, or better yet, stage plays. It's being tickled by cartoons in a magazine like The New Yorker. And sometimes we laugh deeply just because . . . We might not know what triggers the laughter. We simply know it feels good. It feels freeing. Some have said that we are closer to God when we laugh than at any other time. No way to prove that, of course, but laughter is good because it “right-sizes” us—it shifts our perception and we sense the clarity, the gift of real “vision,” instantly.
A sense of humor can be cultivated.
We know that a sense of humor can make life more tolerable, but how might it affect the outcome of a dire circumstance? I can best explain this through an example. Dawn, the Native American woman I referred to in an earlier chapter, had every reason to be discouraged to the point of suicide—a choice made by a number of her siblings as well as her father. She generally shrugged her shoulders at the problems that mounted in her life, and there were many. She used drugs and alcohol to excess for a number of years as a way of coping, but after finally attaining sobriety, which eluded her more than once (I'd have to guess twenty or thirty times, in fact), she turned more and more to laughter. She enjoyed her own and also enjoyed inspiring it in others.
She lived on the edge for decades. She survived her many death-defying encounters with alcohol and drugs, and this convinced her that living on the edge was doable. In fact, she regularly proclaimed that if you weren't living on the edge, you were taking up too much space. She chuckled every time she said it. We did too, hearing her and knowing what she meant.
We always have a choice regarding how we will see any situation, whether from the past or this moment.
Dawn showed me that if you could maintain a sense of humor in spite of living through circumstances like hers, seeing the funny side of life was perhaps a gift unlike any other. In a group, her sense of humor gave a lift to the experiences of so many of us, proving that only one in a crowd had to see the funny side to open it up for many to be able to see it in time.
Humor has been credited with healing many ills. I remember reading Norman Cousins's book Anatomy of an Illness, in which he shared how he had used laughter to heal himself of cancer. It was a remarkable story. It stands as a great example of the power of laughter in our lives no matter what circumstance has caused us pain: emotional, physical, or mental—even all three. He insisted that a good belly laugh every day was just what the doctor ordered. It may well be the very thing that has kept Dawn alive far beyond what her friends and family had expected. Laughter certainly contributed to Judith's survival too.
I mentioned Judith in an earlier chapter, but there was much about her life that I didn't share at that time, and much that I will share later in the book too. For now let me say she was a potential suicide victim throughout much of her life. She said thoughts of suicide began while she was a youngster, not because she wanted to punish others, which is one of the explanations psychologists often use; that didn't even occur to her. She just wanted to escape the pain of life and didn't really think her suicidal thoughts were a big deal. Even into adulthood she harbored these thoughts, sometimes making carefully laid out plans. When a counselor told her mentally healthy people didn't contemplate suicide, she didn't believe her.
When she was early in recovery, Judith's last bona fide plan to kill herself was just moments from being executed. She was saved by an unexpected visitor, a total stranger in fact, knocking on her door.