married men.
The first step is to recognize that you have a pattern. You may have no idea how you got there, but you know you don’t like it and you want a way out. You may crawl around in the dark, but eventually you do what it takes and you will find a way out. The next time may be different.
As soon as you become aware of a pattern, see if you can watch the whole process like an outside observer. It’s only by becoming aware of what we’re doing that we can make a change. Once we have mastery at changing a pattern that is no longer serving us, we can avoid that pattern altogether.
There's a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it’s a habit ... but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter five
I walk down another street.
Your Words Give You Away
I have a dear friend who several years ago was diagnosed with a severely advanced form of cancer. She went through several rounds of chemo, lost all of her hair and spent her entire savings (and then some) going through treatment. She rehabilitated by getting regular acupuncture, changing her diet and taking a steady regimen of Chinese herbs. Today she is cancer free. It is miraculous to see and she is an inspiration to many.
When I first met her, it was rare to go through a conversation or a meal without her telling a story that started with “when I had cancer” or “having been through cancer” or “the people who helped me through cancer.” It is truly a miracle that she is still with us. I admire her spirit, her friendship and everything she has taught me. In this case, she has demonstrated how parts of our story may be the lens through which we see everything in our lives.
I can tell a lot about a client from the way they talk about themselves, the important people in their life and their circumstances. I can tell if they are positive or negative, if they are hopeful or resigned and if they are telling themselves an old story of past pain.
I have clients who speak about wanting to find love, but the second they talk about the men in their life, their whole energy changes. I hear a new tone or see body language, but most of all hear negative words about how evil their ex was. Their words indicate that they are still incredibly angry or resentful or both. And even though these people didn’t feel angry, they were still upset at something that had happened that they were unwilling or unable to understand, accept or forgive. Unresolved feelings toward an ex or parent can create an energetic barrier to receiving love from someone new.
Watch Your Language
How you talk to yourself is immensely important. Words are very powerful. They help us create the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. These stories can help us feel empowered and confident, or foolish and unlovable. As my dear friend and acting coach Warner Loughlin likes to say, “Choice affects perception and perception affects choice.” We have a choice in how to perceive things. Through our change in perception, we may change the opportunities that present themselves.
Perhaps you notice certain words you use to describe yourself or your current circumstances. For example, there’s a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Loneliness implies some sort of lack. Perhaps a lack of connection to another person, to the community we are in, or to our own source. In this way, feeling loneliness becomes more of a burden. The invitation is to shift your perspective and to re-empower yourself.
The implication of feeling lonely is I’m alone and I have no choice.
Is there a way to rethink this by deciding that it is a choice? Try to experience what it feels like to say I’m choosing to be alone because, at the moment, there’s no one I want to be with. Even if you are trying to get over someone, there’s a difference between confidently knowing that the universe has your back and choosing to believe a disempowering story like I couldn’t go on a date even if I wanted to, or nobody likes me.
This ties in perfectly with co-dependency. If someone isn’t comfortable being alone, they are likely to attract another lonely person instead of a whole, integrated person choosing to be with a whole, integrated person. The loneliness feeling might be a precursor to self-sabotaging behavior—whether it’s eating your way out of it, giving all of your power away, sleeping around or dating people you know are wrong for you.
So how do we break these patterns? Some people say a mantra to reconnect them to the source of their power and confidence. Others work at gathering evidence that they aren’t alone by focusing on what they do have in their lives instead of what they don’t have. In their case, it is changing a story about separateness, which ultimately is an illusion.
Whatever you think or say after the words “I AM…”is very powerful. See if you can change the story you tell yourself about yourself and the world around you will begin to change. I, myself, have experienced this. A few years ago, I noticed that whenever anyone would ask me how I was doing, I replied, “I’m OK. I’m not bad.” That answer seemed to be socially acceptable. The conversation didn’t last very long, and nobody got uncomfortable. Then I noticed that a friend of mine would answer that question with “I’m wonderful!” It made me wonder which created which? Did saying “I’m wonderful” create the day that way?
From then on, my reply to that question—on purpose—became “I’m wonderful! I’m excellent. Things are amazing.” As soon as I started doing that, I noticed the parts of my life that already were those things, and by saying “I’m wonderful” or “I’m excellent,” it usually directed my day toward having a wonderful experience.
Invite Love Into Your Life
Be your own best partner. Be willing to take yourself on a date, even if you’re with friends. Go to the restaurants you might like to go on a date. Toast as if you are celebrating the love in your life. Put yourself in the environment of romance—watch your favorite romantic comedies, read poetry about love. Do what feels good to you.
Be aware of what you are putting out there. Are you putting out a vibration that is magnetic and drawing people in, or repelling and pushing people away? Think about someone who feels hopeless, lonely or bitter. Does that make you feel more drawn to them or pushed away?
Create an inner environment of hope, positivity and feeling good. Get a massage. Do Yoga. Play basketball or take Jiu Jitsu. Do things that make you feel good in your skin, feel good physically or feel confident. All of those things