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12 Q U A L I T I E S T O C U L T I V A T E
BETH MILLER, PH. D.
CONARI PRESS
First published in 2005 by Conari Press,
an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
York Beach, ME
With offices at:
368 Congress Street
Boston, MA 02210
www.redwheelweiser.com Copyright © 2005 Beth Miller
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Miller, Beth
The woman's book of resilience : 12 qualities to cultivate / Beth Miller.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1-57324-964-5 (alk. paper)
1. Women-Psychology. 2. Resilience (Personality trait) 3. Self-realization in women. 4. Self-actualization (Psychology)—Problems, exercises, etc.
5. Self-management (Psychology)—Problems, exercises, etc. I. Title.
HQ1206.M498 2005
155.6'33—dc22
2004018757
Typeset in Dante by Gopa & Ted2, Inc.
Printed in Canada
TCP
12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05
8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
contents
I Will Admit and Embrace My Vulnerability
I Will Practice and Increase My Ability to Connect
I Will Find Parts of the Problem That I Can Manage
I Will Discover and Get My Needs Met
5 Look Ma, I Am Dancing on My Toes
I Will Recognize and Develop My Own Special Gifts and Talents
I Will Develop My Ability to Say No
I Will Increase My Ability to Transform Resentment and Forgive
I Will Develop and Use My Sense of Humor to Help Me Through Stressful Situations
9 Staying Power, Leaving Power
I Will Explore the Range of Responses and Possibilities and Find Ways to Improve Things
10 Can't Take Any More, or Can I?
I Will Find Meaning in the Crisis
foreword
iN MY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE as a psychotherapist and Jungian psychoanalyst, I have listened to untold numbers of people speak of sexual and emotional abuse, devastating loss, physical trauma, and life-threatening illness. I have often wondered why, given similar circumstances, some people are laid waste by these events while others find ways to survive them and even thrive as a result. And, there are many in between who suffer but still carry on reasonably satisfactory lives. Is there something special that some people are born with and others not? Or is it that mysterious quality like a tender plant that needs to be nourished and strengthened in order to reach its inborn potential?
Psychotherapist Dr. Beth Miller defines resilience as the quality that enables people to bounce back when life knocks them off balance. Resilience is for the soul like a good mattress for the body; it gives support and helps to resist a tendency to slide down into depression.
We were born resilient. The very act of getting born entails working our way out of a space that has become too tight, fighting our way to freedom down a dark narrow passage, accepting help when we need it, and sometimes, when it is too tough, to allow someone to intervene with a knife because that is the only way. And then we face light and gasp for air for the first time without