life can deliver. Sometimes we have to relearn to be resilient. We feel wrung out or walked on. How do we rekindle the ability to bounce back and not merely survive, but thrive?
We can learn to be resilient. The work that I have been doing for the past ten years is based on the reality that resilience can be cultivated, relearned, developed. While I began my study with the question, “Who is naturally resilient and who is not, and why?” I soon moved away from those artificial poles, and through years of research and interviews developed an understanding of the way the most resilient people think, process, and behave. It is out of that work that I designed the Art of Resilience Process.
For the past ten years, as I have worked with people in my individual practice, in groups on resilience, in classrooms, conferences, and seminars, I have continued to marvel at the elasticity of the human spirit and how, given the proper ingredients, people show up in more and more resilient fashion. I have borne witness as people who heretofore saw themselves as weak and victimized discover their innate strengths and talents enough to bring a new bounce to their step. I have helped hundreds of people find meaning within the black holes and noticed that, as a result, they have developed (or found within themselves) more creative responses to their difficult times. I have walked along the hopeful journey of cultivating resilience and developing the mental and emotional acumen of producing pearls from injured lives.
the art of resilience process
As I see it, resilience has twelve qualities that interrelate like spokes on a wheel. The Art of Resilience Process is designed to teach you how to strengthen each spoke of this wheel and thereby increase your resilience quotient. The process is designed as a preventative tool. Each quality can and will definitely help when you find yourself in the middle of or in the aftermath of a crisis or difficulty, but a more fundamental use of cultivating resilience is using this process to strengthen your muscles of flexibility during calmer times.
The center of the resilience wheel, I have found, is making friends with your vulnerability. As counterintuitive as this might sound, think about the difference between an oak tree and a reed during a violent windstorm. As Aesop illustrated in his fable, “The Oak and the Reed,” the reed responds to the oak, “I secure myself by a conduct that is the reverse of yours: instead of being stiff and stubborn, and being proud of my strength, I yield and bend to the winds. I let the storm pass over me, knowing how fruitless it would be to resist.”
The moral of this fable: A person of a quiet, still temper—whether it be given him by nature or acquired by art—calmly composes himself in the midst of a storm, so as to elude the shock, or receive it with the least detriment. He is like a prudent, experienced sailor who, in swimming to the shore from a wrecked vessel in a swelling sea, does not oppose the fury of the waves, but stoops and gives way that they may roll over his head.
The doctrine of absolute submission in all cases is an absurd dogmatical precept…but, upon particular occasions, and where it is impossible for us to overcome, to submit patiently is one of the most reasonable maxims of life.
The process works in a spiral, beginning and ending with embracing our vulnerability. We begin by recognizing our more tender spots and move to strengthening the qualities listed on the wheel. So, in order to flex the vulnerability muscle, to learn that our strength truly does lie in our flexibility, we must build connections and interdependence, own our talents and gifts, take good care of ourselves, strengthen the core of our being, learn what we can manage for life's overwhelming times, and increase our repertoire of responses to hard and challenging times. In order to enlarge our sense of self, we must learn to sit with suffering, staying long enough to discover the pearls in minor and major irritations, and not running away prematurely. We must learn to how to laugh at life, even during the dark times, and also know how to say, “Enough already!” These are the twelve spokes of the wheel, each one designed to brace and support our deepest self. By bracing and supporting our deepest self, we can be more and more comfortable with our vulnerability—and back to further strengthening the other qualities. That's what cultivating resilience is all about. The chapters that follow are designed to help you develop each of these qualities of resilience. They can be read straight through or used as reference when you feel the need to cultivate a particular strength or be reminded of how to take a particular approach. The qualities do not need to be worked in any particular order. You will find exercises at the end of each chapter to help guide you in this journey. These, too, can be revisited over and over with the intent of going deeper and deeper into the psyche. If only one of the exercises feels right for you, do only one. If they all work, go for it. I encourage you to make them work for you—rather than make yourself work for them.
THE WHEEL OF RESILIENCE
In each chapter I use mythology, interviews, and/or personal stories to bring life and dimension to the approaches of this resiliency process. Throughout these pages you will meet many courageous and impressive women. Though their paths are varied, their stories unique, their talents and abilities particular, their resilient attitudes can be beacons of light for you as you find the courage and strength to master your own demons or overcome life's hardships. I tell their stories to show you that you can deal with sorrow and tragedy, you can find your power and your voice, you can squarely face life's hard times, inequities, and diabolical schemes—and even thrive.
(Out of respect for confidentiality, I use composites and pseudonyms to detail the lives and behaviors of these quiet heroines.)
Becoming resilient is not an easy process, and it has no definitive ending. It takes hard work, perseverance, willingness, and desire. You have to be willing to take yourself on. But it can be done. May you find through the teachings in this book that you do possess the strength of a reed, the composure to ride out even the mightiest of storms, the willingness and ability to give way so that the waves may roll over your head.
undressing: i am open 1
I WILL ADMIT AND EMBRACE MY VULNERABILITY
The world's mine oyster,Which I with sword will open.
—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
LIFE IS UNFAIR. Some of us will never be rich; some of us will never be beautiful; some of us will never have parents who love us. Some of us carry more burdens than others. Some of us were abused and some of us were tortured. Tragedy is everywhere, and death is certain. We all have to learn to live with these realities.
That is why we need resilience. The ability to be resilient is what helps us bounce back from the edge, helps us find our strength in adverse circumstances, helps us thrive in this life—and it most often begins with opening the inner doorway to our own vulnerability. No matter how tiny a crack we may feel ready to open. Because becoming resilient requires a willingness to fall apart for a time—and getting to know ourselves at our rawest—so that we may open ourselves up to those deepest of inner resources that can enable us to bend and flex with whatever life brings our way.
we are all vulnerable
All of us, out of necessity, have built up defenses to protect ourselves from others, to avoid being or feeling hurt, feeling out of control or helpless. We shy away from people who appear needy and often blame others to avoid the truth of our own vulnerabilities. We cling to the familiar, the known, even if it's not in our best interests to do so: a relationship that is not constructive, a job that bores us to death, an outmoded identity or pattern or behavior. We fear change, so we look for ways to keep the status quo. But in order to put our lives back together, we need to acknowledge that we are tender, that we don't know everything, that we cannot control everything, that we need each other. In other words, we need to be vulnerable.
We may fear our vulnerability, but the truth is we are all vulnerable. We are physically vulnerable for many months and for the first many years could not survive on our own. We