The Woman's Book of Resilience. Beth Miller

part of ourselves through meditation and prayer, or to the divine on a mountaintop as we exclude ourselves from the rest of humanity, there is no doubt that we need to be in contact.

      Whether we are introverted and savor those few meaningful meetings of like kind, or extroverted and thrive from the stimulating interactions of lots and lots of people in a small room; whether we like to be around other people all the time or whether we need time alone with infrequent, but comfortable and intimate, shared time with someone else; we all share the essential need of healthy connection and contact.

       a skill worth mastering

      Being connected, of course, is a two-way street. We need not only to be willing to be seen and known in deeper and deeper ways but to know and see the other person and be as open to them as we can, too.

      Since most of us are conditioned, from an early age, to protect and guard ourselves, this requires taking risks, being flexible (resilient!), trying on different beliefs, and not giving up when communication gets messy, painful, and possibly raw. This kind of sophisticated communication is a skill, an art; it can (and must) be learned, practiced, and mastered. The rest of this chapter is devoted to the skills of communication.

      Overall, practice observing and listening with keen attention. As you interact with others, try to watch and listen to what they respond to and what makes them defensive. Observe when you become defensive.Watch for those instances of masterful timing where an exchange between people approaches a well-choreographed ballet. What communication skills do you observe? What can you take away and practice as you cultivate your own connections?

       befriending your imagination

      One of the keys to this kind of sophisticated communication is imagination, the ability to construct internal images of situations and see through various possible outcomes in “our mind's eye.” It has been found that people who show natural resilience in difficult situations use precisely this imaginative function in order to structure and sequence the event and adapt accordingly.

      Sports psychologists confirm this further in their reporting of the effectiveness of imagining the perfect golf swing or foul shot. We know that with practice, imagined practice, athletes show marked improvement because mental practice turns on most of the brain circuits that would be used in swinging or shooting for real.

      Now, let's put this together with neurobiology's reports of the differences between a peak performance and a mental collapse. Whether we respond to a situation or failure by panicking and saying “I don't know if I can do this” or by embracing the challenge with “I've been preparing for this all my life” determines which chemical will course through our systems. In the challenge response, the body is flushed with adrenaline and sugar, creating a heightened awareness and the flow people mention about a peak performance. The fearful response produces hormones laced with cortisol, which not only impairs performance but also does damage to the arteries and liver and can lead to depression.

      Imagination allows us to see all the views of the situation, the varying pieces of the puzzle, and gives us the opportunity to arrange and rearrange to our heart's content. We can imagine the possible consequences of “If you say this or do that” as we include the potential responses you will receive. We can imagine how we might feel if the deal goes one way or another, gauging the levels of comfort we have with the different scenarios. If Tina had been able to use her imagination regarding a possible conversation with her mother, it is likely she would not have called her. She would have called her helpful friend first.

      Within the context of imagination we can be as creative as we have the capacity for—finding absurd, humorous, outlandish, conservative, ridiculous, and traditional solutions. We can try out how these responses will or will not help, and we can even imagine letting go of any attachments to outcome, giving ourselves the inner freedom to show up at the dialogue table with tremendous inner conviction and ability to listen to other parties.

      Use your imagination and see the process through. Become aware of the pitfalls and strong emotions and see yourself ordering and mastering the sequences of the interaction.

       Are you up against a stressful talk with your husband or partner and worried sick about how it might go?

       Are you planning a big event for work or a wedding for a family member?

       Do you want to ask for a promotion and a raise?

       Is it time for a serious talk about drugs or sex with your teenager?

       Do you need to fight for a cause, personal or civic?

       Are you faced with a medical issue and need to be assertive with the doctors or insurance?

      You can have a say in how you respond to life's challenges, and your imagination can be one of your best allies. Imagine healthy communication, imagine intimate conversations, imagine navigating angry disagreements, imagine a series of hard compromises, imagine staying calm during stormy fights, imagine a loved one misunderstanding you and being able to try again, imagine being open and vulnerable when it is hard and frightening. And when it doesn't work out and there is a real mess, imagine learning after the fact and imagine how differently you would respond the next time the same thing or something similar presented itself.

       choosing wisely

      As you work on strengthening your connections with others and developing your communication skills, I ask you to consider the following pointers:

      

Choose people you can trust.

      

Choose people who want and bring out the best in you.

      

Choose people who accept you for who you are, including your faults and foibles.

      

Avoid people who raise themselves by lowering you.

      

Know what you are asking for, and practice asking in a straightforward manner, free of manipulation, undue aggressiveness, or attempts to make the other person feel guilty.

      

Check out what might be going on instead of making assumptions: “I think you are upset. Are you? Is it something I have done?”

      

Practice letting go when you cannot get what you want.

      I imagine this type of straightforward, nonreactive communication as a martial art. In the arts when someone comes at you, the form is to let the energy be absorbed or moved aside. The other person is then left with their own energy source, not able to get caught up in your reaction or fight, and assuming it is because of you that they are behaving in such and such a manner.

      As your connections deepen, keeping the following points in mind will further facilitate the martial arts of communication.

       Know how others perceive you. A psychologist expert in group therapy once trained me to lead groups. He is very tall, large, with a full head of white hair and a full white beard. He had long ago figured out what projections he received whenever he walked into a room, especially when he was doing the training. He knew he would be seen as the all-knowing father figure, or the authority who dictated all things, or the omnipotent and all-caring protector. He knew he would be seen this way even if he didn't carry any of these attitudes or traits within or didn't agree with these perceptions, and this knowing gave him the chance to voice these projections and deflate many unconscious assumptions. On the other hand, I worked with a woman who did not know how others saw her and continually misinterpreted their behavior toward