different method. Mental flexibility is key for discovering what motivates you and overcoming the barriers that may be holding you back.
One principle that drives many of our decisions about behavior change is known as operant conditioning. This is a form of learning that occurs when a consequence of a behavior reinforces that behavior. For example, we know that Emma from chapter 1 is a naturally shy individual, and her reclusiveness leads to feelings of loneliness. If she were to become more outgoing, she could create new friendships that would mitigate her sense of isolation. The pleasurable feelings she would experience when she gets out and spends time with new people would be the positive consequence that reinforces her new, outgoing behavior. Of course, a barrier to achieving the popularity she desires may be the initial anxiety she experiences while trying to be more extroverted. If she were to focus on ways to cope better with her anxiety, Emma would have a better chance of minimizing it and overcoming the barrier it poses to her changing.
Effective Strategies for Change
• Detail your reasons for changing. Knowing the benefits of new behaviors will keep you motivated. Gathering information and talking with experts can provide a strong rationale and will help you stick with your new behaviors. The more clearly you detail and define your goals, the smoother you will move through the phases and achieve them.
• Identify your barriers. Whether it’s old bad habits, current unhealthy relationships, or any other forces holding you back, making an inventory of your barriers to change will help you identify and overcome them.
• Process your feelings. Anxiety, guilt, and other uncomfortable emotions often reinforce old behaviors and create barriers to change unless they are thought through and understood. Self-reflection, candid chats with people you trust, or psychotherapy can be effective in elucidating such emotions.
• Strengthen your support system. The scientific evidence is compelling that strong social support is key to successful behavior change. Spending time with like-minded individuals who share your goals and who can cheer you on will increase your likelihood of success.
• Shoot for reasonable goals. People often set the bar way too high for success. Achieving a series of smaller goals rather than trying to do everything at once is more likely to lead you to success.
• Prepare for lapses. Remind yourself that a lapse here or there is common. Anticipate and try not to embrace them as failures. Instead, reframe them as temporary setbacks so you can quickly regain a sense of control.
• Readjust your approach when necessary. Despite your best efforts, you may find that you keep lapsing back to your old ways. That’s when it’s time to step back, review your goals and motivations, and possibly try an alternative strategy.
As you read ahead, you will get a better idea of your baseline personality, future goals, and how to achieve them. Making a commitment to taking action, defining your end point, and sticking to your program is the formula that has helped many of my patients achieve their goals and become who they wish to be.
Assess Yourself and Define Your Goals
Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.
—Lewis Carroll
THE SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE INDICATES that our personalities have an impact on almost every aspect of our lives, including our physical health, mental well-being, social relationships, educational achievement, financial stability, and even life expectancy. Most of us seek personality change as a means to an end—we want to change one or more aspects of our personality in order to achieve a certain goal and improve our lives. Before you try to change your personality, it’s essential to define the goals you wish to attain in your life.
Defining Goals
Self-awareness and honest introspection are vital to successful personality change, and when I help patients identify their goals, we usually begin with broad strokes. Once we have a general list of goals, we can start to fill in the details and set a course for achieving the desired changes.
Begin by answering the questions below:
• What kind of person do you want to become?__________________________________________________________________________________________________
• How would you like other people to think of you?__________________________________________________________________________________________________
• What would your ideal lifestyle look like?__________________________________________________________________________________________________
• What do you feel passionate about?__________________________________________________________________________________________________
• If a magic genie granted you one wish, what would it be?__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Your answers above will help point you to your general goals, such as improved relationships, increased financial success, or a healthy lifestyle. To further hone in on the specifics of what you wish to achieve, consider these more defined goals that many people share:
• Career. Increased respect, more autonomy, fewer hours, greater leadership role.
• Finances. Higher income, more savings, less frivolous spending, better planning.
• Mind health. More joy, less fear, greater self-esteem, increased focus, less guilt, reduced anxiety, better anger management.
• Personal growth. More empathy, higher intellectual achievement, greater creativity, more perseverance, increased generosity and philanthropy, more artistic/musical/literary appreciation, increased spirituality, greater resilience.
• Relationships. More friends, greater intimacy, stronger family ties.
• Physical health and wellness. Less pain, more energy, greater strength and endurance, fewer medications, better health care.
• Lifestyle habits. Quit smoking, better sleep, less alcohol, improved time management, healthier diet, more exercise, less unnecessary risk taking.
• Appearance. Weight change, improved grooming, better physical shape.
• Environment. Less clutter, better air quality, quieter home, less driving.
Fill in the grid below by specifying what, if anything, you’d like to change or achieve in any of the following areas of your life.
| Area of Life | What You Would Like to Change or Achieve |
|---|---|
| Career | |
| Finances | |
| Mind health | |
| Personal growth | |
| Health and wellness | |
| Lifestyle habits | |
| Appearance | |
| Environment | |
| Relationships | |
|
Other
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