Trapeze. Anais Nin

hands, I began to feel the liberating purpose of the trip and to be happy.

      I have my cousin Charlie Cárdenas’ complete collaboration; he is very clever and has handled people even more complicated than the Mexicans—the Cubans. But he has set certain conditions that I don’t tell my mother yet because of her health and that I don’t tell Thorvald because he is neurotic on the subject of divorce. He bore up ten years with his first marriage because of a prejudice born of our own parents’ separation. Also, he feels Hugo was a good balance to my “romanticism” and doesn’t believe anyone else could be. Charlie hates scenes and quarrels and wants my divorce all done. He is convinced that I am serious, and he always believed in me in spite of his business associations with Hugo. So there is no pressure or drama, just quiet activity. I couldn’t be more married to you than I am. All these legalities seem absurd.

      Do write me, my darling. I feel sure it will be done twelve weeks from Monday. During the weekend nothing could be done. I believe I can stay in Mexico City.

      Your Mujer

       SEPTEMBER 5, 1951

      Return to Sierra Madre from Mexico

       OCTOBER 1951

      Return to New York

       OCTOBER 8, 1951

      Houghton Mifflin turns down A Spy in the House of Love

       Letter from Anaïs Nin to Rupert Pole:

      New York, October 22, 1951

      My Chiquito: Last night even after an hour dancing in Brooklyn with Lavinia Williams’ class of black girls training for a show, I could not sleep for longing for you. It sometimes hurts and is against nature. Yet, darling, you must help me not to run back to you before I have done what I must do. If I succeed in my work I won’t have to return to NY for the rest of the year. Listen carefully: the regular publishers are gradually failing because the new trend is cheap books (they were too greedy). The policy of Signet to reprint only was made when they were afraid of being cut-throated by Big Publishers, but now the Signets are so strong that they are slowly seeking ways out of this policy. I suggested to Miss Porter of Signet that she add Spy to their list. Lila (who moved here) won’t have a copy typed till Tuesday for her; I am working very hard and efficiently.

      If this comes through (as you know I am not counting on this only, the manuscript is everywhere—Farrar and Houghton Mifflin and after that Viking, and others) I will get an advance of $2,000, which means no trips to NY for a long time. Help me to stick to this. As soon as you say come home, both heart and body come to life and say yes, yes, and the career and money go overboard. I will do all in my power to get back Friday, but, darling, it looks impossible if Miss Porter (who has also been reading The Four-Chambered Heart) needs Spy Tuesday. Pfeffer does not handle her. I met her through George Amberg, author of Ballet in America. At the same time Gore has been put in charge of a Signet anthology of new writing (to contain fiction, architecture, art), and will take a fragment for that.

      So far I have what I earned, $500 intact, and have spent only what you gave me. We eat at Larry Maxwell’s apartment, where I am staying. I have no rent (Maxwell feels guilty). Lila types for me in the evenings. I go three nights a week to Lavinia’s dance class. I have had no parties, no theatre, no big evenings of any kind, nothing but work, except for dancing. I am working on an introduction to Spy; Geismar is working on one of his own. Friday night we compared notes; I will earn $100 for an article on Christopher Isherwood’s new play, which I have been allowed to read ahead of opening night. This is all humanly difficult.

      I know you must be lonely too, and I worry about how you are eating and sleeping, Tavi and the garden. But if I return with a Signet advance, you can start our house if you prefer that to a trip. Tell me what we have in the bank now, plus the $500 I have. I decided against sending it to you in a money order because it costs $4.75 and you’d have to go to LA and then to the bank. But if I get another $100 this week I will send it, having the last $100 for emergencies.