Two Sisters are appointed for the school with about 100 children who all have a different kind of education. Thirty children might make for ten to twelve groups, all different in ability and knowledge. There are six hours of daily instructions requiring good lungs. The subjects of the upper grades are rather difficult and require much time for preparation. Besides this, the Sisters have to sing three High Masses every week, to keep the church clean, to do the sacristy, take care of two or three horses, two cows, sixty to seventy chickens, to plant a garden about as large as yours. For the time being, there are seven of us for whom there is cooking, washing and mending to be done.18
Before Christmas, Sister Bernardine wrote an affectionate letter to her superior in Maria Rickenbach. She expressed regret that they did not have a proper chapel in Maryville, and could not possibly observe hours of adoration. Yet she took comfort in the fact that the sacristy work enabled her to spend some time before the altar. Indeed, her classroom was a part of the church, so she treasured that opportunity to be close to the house of God. Some building was going on, because Sister Adela, who was sent to replace Agnes as cook, would have a new kitchen and storeroom soon. Sister Augustina was serving as upper-grade teacher, organist, and master of the horses, a challenging combination to say the least.19
Before the school year was over, however, the health of both the teaching sisters in Maryville suffered. Mother Anselma informed Mother Gertrude at Maria Rickenbach that the sisters in Maryville worked so hard that in a few years they would be unfit for any kind of work. In January, Mother Anselma noted that Sister Bernardine had become rather sickly. By February, she was sick half the time, and Father Ignatius and the young Frater Anselm had to substitute for her. They finally hired a girl to help with the house and church work. In March, Sister Beatrix was sent from Conception to replace Sister Bernardine, while the latter returned to Conception to rest and recuperate.20
Sister Augustina suffered from another form of illness, which tension and overwork could well have brought on. According to Father Adelhelm, she was tempted to run away, and even contemplated suicide, both signs of fatigue and depression. He recommended this troubled sister to the prayers of the Swiss community, but seemed totally unaware that overwork and strain might be contributing to her illness.21
For Sister Bernardine, in spite of her inability to carry a full schedule of work, Adelhelm had nothing but praise.
This good soul was sick most of last year, as she did penance for Maryville and so could not do much else. With a tearful heart I let her go (back to Conception) hoping that God would give her back to us. To me it seems she has been made by God as spiritual mother of Maryville. Dear Sister Beatrix helps me more—she is a good Martha—but Sister Bernardine a better Mary.22
The stay at Conception, from March until April 1877, was not a happy time for either Mother Anselma or Sister Bernardine. The latter became absolutely convinced that she did not want to spend the rest of her life as a part of the Conception community. Anselma, for her part, wrote, “Sister Bernardine had no peace here and wanted to return to Maryville. I cannot quite understand her. Our Lord will show what He wants of us. It will require prayer.”23 Personality differences seem to have been present from the start.
Mother Anselma’s letters reveal a sincere religious woman, often overwhelmed by the demands of life in a new country, too much work, and the need to make decisions about schools, buildings, and a variety of practical matters for which her life as a cook at Maria Rickenbach could have offered little or no preparation. She often mentioned her difficulties with the English language, and the constant necessity to study more, even though this was an added task in an already burdened schedule. It must have been discouraging to see other sisters master the language more readily, to pass teachers’ examinations, and to be able to communicate more easily than their superior, who in those days was often required to speak and communicate for the group.
The division of authority has already been mentioned, and it continued to be a severe cross for Mother Anselma to bear. More and more she saw her own authority eroded, while the responsibility for the sisters remained with her. She became convinced that Sister Bernardine wanted to make Maryville a separate community, and that Father Adelhelm supported her in this, indeed probably gave her the idea in the first place. “Father Adelhelm’s opinion and favorite dream that Sister Bernardine was the born Mother of Maryville, and had come to the New World only for this purpose, had perhaps gone to Sister’s head. She felt she had received a special call from God and was destined to found a convent there for herself, she wrote.”24
In fairness to Sister Bernardine, it is necessary to point out that relations between Maryville and Conception were strained before she ever arrived. Father Adelhelm considered himself a missionary, and apparently did not intend to settle in the Missouri prairies forever. Had they not been sent to find a mountainous spot? How could they found a new Engelberg “Angel Mountain” without mountains? Father Ignatius Conrad was even more emphatic about the fact that he had come to America to be a missionary, not to settle down to a semi-cloistered copy of Beuron. The sisters had to be aware of the disparity of thought among the monks, and undoubtedly reflected some of their thinking.
Although Adelhelm had no official authoritative position in relation to the sisters, it is obvious that practical day-to-day decisions had to be made in Maryville. Since church, school, convent, and rectory were all in one spot, each person’s work, anxieties, and decisions affected everyone else. Adelhelm’s light-hearted manner and optimistic attitude must have lightened the spirits of the sisters on more than one occasion. On the other hand, they must have sometimes become frustrated and annoyed, for his lack of practical and financial sense left them in need, even of decent living quarters and of the time to survive as healthy human beings. Thus he could interpret Sister Bernardine’s illness as penance for his congregation’s sins, rather than the almost inevitable result of overwork and tension. Prayer was recommended for Sister Augustina’s depression, but not the time and space which she must have desperately needed.
What other conditions helped to influence Sister Bernardine cannot be known at this time. Whatever they were, she became absolutely convinced that life at Conception was not for her, and that God was calling her to do something else. She wrote frankly of her decision to Mother Gertrude.
When I left Maryville, at the behest of the superior, to go to Conception for a time (or apparently for good) I was encouraged by the thought that by this act the two houses would become more closely united to each other. But it turned out otherwise. Instead of coming closer to Conception, I am now taking steps to remove myself from it entirely, though still bound to the community in sisterly love. . . . It was God Himself who led me to determine not to renew my vows at Conception, through an interior call. Day and night I am haunted by the thought, “You are not in the place God wants you to be.”25
She expressed her loyalty to Maria Rickenbach and Engelberg, and her willingness to accept their authority. She had confided in Father Adelhelm with the hope that he would persuade her otherwise, but she only became more convinced that she should not, and could not, renew her vows at Pentecost, as she was expected to do. She would rather leave her religious habit behind, beg for a living from door to door, than commit herself to Conception. “Since I do not feel called to Conception, I would not want to be there, even dead.”
In the end, Sister Bernardine did renew her vows for Conception on July 11, 1877, in obedience to Abbot Anselm, rather than out of conviction that it was right for her. As her spiritual director, he admonished her that her call to Maryville had to be tested by her willingness to obey. For this reason he asked her to renew her vows to Conception for one year, and she complied, admitting that it was in the name of obedience. She noted, speaking of Abbot Anselm, “Apparently he has influenced the superior because now and then she treats me kindly.”26
Summer vacation brought a slight respite, but did not close the breach between the two houses nor heal the personal suffering of the sisters. Again, the interference of the monks added to the confusion and resentment. Abbot Anselm renewed the appointment of Mother Anselma as superior of the Conception Convent for another three years, with the assurance that he would not remove her as long as he lived. Adelhelm saw clearly the implications of this appointment. He indicated to Mother Gertrude that it would have been better to let the sisters make the selection, or at least not to tell Mother Anselma that she would