“I’m retiring. Right now!” he answered.
“Why,” asked the chief, “What’s wrong?”
“Well, times have changed too much. When I see a new Cadillac going down the road at seventy miles an hour and a Model T in back, honking to pass, then I quit.”
CHURCH
1.
One of the regular members of the church was having a tough time at home. He was a classic insomniac. Night after night he would lie awake for an hour or so before he could get to sleep.
One night it was especially bad. He tried everything, warm milk, relaxing from head to toe, counting sheep. But nothing worked.
Finally, he dressed, went out to the garage and drove his car down to church. He parked, went into the auditorium, took his usual seat on the back row and fell off to sleep, immediately.
2.
Three boys were playing together.
One of them said, “My dad owns the grocery store and I can get food for nothing.” The second said,
“So what? My dad’s a doctor and I can get well for nothing.”
The last one answered, “Well, listen to this. My dad’s a preacher and I can get good for nothing.”
3.
A man was being considered for being a deacon. One of the deacons went to interview him. He said, “I am quite pleased with what I have found but before I go I better ask you a Bible question. Let me think. Oh, how about this. Would you please name one of the apostles?”
The man thought a moment and then answered, “Martin Luther.”
“What? I’m amazed!” said the deacon, “I didn’t think you would know the answer.”
4.
What they need is someone to sit at the back of the congregation with a long pole in his hands like they use to do in the old days.
When the service is dull and the sermon is long and tedious and the people are bored, then the man with the pole can reach out over the crowd and tap the preacher on the head and wake him up.
5.
A man at church, without consulting his wife, invited a deacon and his family over for dinner. After they came home the man’s wife labored long and hard in the kitchen and finally had everything ready. As they sat down to eat, the dad said to his little girl, “How about your leading us in prayer today?”
She answered, “But I don’t know what to say’.”
“Well,” he said, “Just pray like your mother would.”
“All right, I’ll try,” she replied.
She bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why in the world did daddy invite these people over here for dinner today?”
6.
The twin boys were identical and so it was very difficult to tell them apart. They grew up in a little town and went off to college.
After the first year they came home and looked for a summer job but couldn’t find anything. They were getting desperate when they met the preacher on the street one day. He told them that if they couldn’t find anything else they could work as janitors at the church.
They took the job gladly. One day they had all the work done and didn’t know what to do. One said, “Let’s go up and fix the bell in the tower. It hasn’t worked for a long time,”
After a great deal of effort they had it fixed except they couldn’t find the clapper to make it ring. They were about to give up when one of them said, “If you’ll just pull it to one side and let it go, I’ll stand in the middle and let it hit my head.”
They tried it and the bell rang beautifully. The other twin tried it too and it worked.
After that, when one of them would meet someone on the street, he would say, ”I don’t know which one of the twins you are but——- your face sure does ring a bell!”
7.
They were having testimony time at church. One man stood up and said, “I used to run around, drink whiskey, gamble, cuss, and steal but now that I’m a Christian, I’ve given up almost all of those things.”
8.
The pastor was annoyed by one of his members who constantly slept during the sermons.
One day he noticed the man sleeping again and decided to do something about it. He stopped his sermon and said, “Now I want to take a vote. Everyone here who doesn’t care a thing about this church, who wishes that the official board was fired and the pastor would quit - -stand up!”
The sleeper woke up with a start. All he heard was,
“Stand up!”
He jumped to his feet, stood for a moment and then, looking around, said,————————- “Pastor, I don’t know what we’re voting for, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it.”
9.
The pastor was speaking on vision, progress and work for the future. He was trying to stir his church to action.
“We are not going to stand still. This church is going to move!”
“Let it move! Let it move!” answered the congregation.
“This church is not going to just move. This church is going to walk!”
“Let it walk! Let it walk!” they answered.
“This church is going to run so fast it’s going to fly!”
“Let it fly! Let it fly!” answered the congregation.
“But if this church is going to fly, it’s going to take some money to make it fly!”
The congregation answered, “Let it walk! Let it walk!”
10.
The pastor saw the habitual sleeper in his congregation asleep again. He stopped his sermon and said to the man’s wife, “Mrs. Smith, please wake up your husband.”
She answered, “You wake him up, pastor. You’re the one who put him to sleep.”
11.
Maggie was disturbed because her husband always slept in church. She talked to him about it every Sunday after church, but without success.
One day she said to herself, “I’m going to cure him.” So when she went to church the next Sunday she took a couple of pieces of garlic in her purse. Her husband hated garlic.
The sermon started and droned along with customary dullness and sure enough the man went sound to sleep.
The lady reached in her purse, pulled out the garlic and, reaching over to her husband, held it under his nose. He shuffled around on his seat and grunted. She left it under his nose and finally, still shuffling with his eyes closed, he said in a loud voice, “Maggie, move your feet, you’ve got them in my face.”
12.
The pastor was preaching on heaven. He told of all the splendid things there.
To climax his message he announced, “Now, folks, we are going to take a vote, “All of you who would like to go to heaven, stand up.” Everyone in the congregation stood except one old deacon down front.
The pastor decided that maybe the deacon hadn’t heard. So he said a little louder, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody kept standing except the deacon.
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