of your perspectives are valid, because they are true for each of you.
I’m going to take a deep breath here and say some hard stuff. I hope and pray it comes out right, because I only ever want to point people to God and do for others what my mentor did for me when I was still trailing—provide hope without pressure. In an ideal world, both you and your husband would feel called to your work where you are. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and you are not the only wife who at this very moment does not feel called to where she is. A call is very important, true, but it’s also true that you can’t force it.
There are so many moving parts in a marriage. It’s hard to predict what one or the other will feel or do many years from now. And so I need to say this: it is not the end of the world if this does not work out. I think it’s very important to internalize that. Your vows are to each other, not to overseas work. You are both separately committed to following God, but now that you are husband and wife, you are a team and have to make decisions as a team. I know that does not sound like a traditional explanation of marriage where the husband makes the decisions and the wife follows, but in overseas work especially, having unity is essential.
Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying this overseas thing will never work out. I don’t believe that. I’m also not saying you should just grin and bear it. And I’m not saying you can just pretend to hear a call from God and that acting like you have one will convince your heart you have one. I’m just saying this issue is important and worth investing in. And here’s how I would suggest you approach it, based off the advice I received several years ago when I was in your shoes.
Now this is going to sound scary, but I promise, in the end, it’s not. What you and your husband have to do—both of you—is open up your future to God. Both of you have to be able to say: if I have to give up this life abroad business, it’s not the end of the world. You can’t just decide you know what God needs to change in your heart. You even have to give that expectation up. Now that won’t sound as scary to you as it will to your husband. When he has a long-standing dream, it’s going to be hard to say, “God, can I give this up?”
During all this time that I didn’t have a call, it was so stressful for my husband that he developed an ulcer. An ulcer. Major stomach pain. Not going felt like the end of his life, and going felt like the end of my life. But ideally, you would both be able to say those things to God. And then, you would talk to him and ask him where he wants you to be, and what he wants to do in you, and all those things. But first you both have to surrender your preferred futures.
It’s trickier to find your call if you’re already overseas, because if you don’t find it, you feel stuck and unhappy where you are. This is another reason seeking God is so scary. What if he doesn’t come through? What if he disappoints me and doesn’t talk to me? What if I’m still in the dark? Or worse, what if he actually tells me to stay here? (I think that was part of my fear, that if I really opened up, he would tell me to go, and I did not want to go.) But I just don’t think you can actually hear from God unless you put it all on the line—living overseas or living back home; you’ve got to put them both on the table. And your husband has to, too.
Incidentally, when we did this, when both my husband and I put it all on the line and simultaneously opened up our future to God, my husband came back to me saying we didn’t have to move overseas. He was willing to stay in America. I say this to explain that it wasn’t just me and my problem; my husband was talking to God too, asking him questions and trying to listen for answers. And that openness to change on both our parts is very significant for our story.
I remember my mentor telling me some things that really freed me up to hear from God. “If you go, and you really, really hate it, you can always come home.” That was brand spanking new to me. I thought it was a lifelong commitment. I thought you went and never came back. Just knowing there was an escape valve allowed me to be able to say yes. I don’t think I could have heard a call otherwise.
The other thing my mentor said that really helped was to say to both of us, “No matter what you decide, one person can’t ever come back and blame the other person for the decision” (or something to that effect). She meant that if we stayed in the United States, my husband couldn’t blame me for ruining his ministry, and if we left, I couldn’t ever blame him for ruining my life. Getting rid of potential blame is a huge part of being able and free to hear from God. It’s hard to hear from him when we put all these pressures on ourselves.
So what I would recommend is seeking God all over again for living overseas, and both of you laying your plans and dreams down and being open to God either taking you back home or keeping you overseas. I really believe he is with you, no matter what you choose. I also do not believe it’s a failure either way, whether you stay overseas, or whether you leave (but especially if you leave, since human beings tend to attach more significance to that choice).
You have promised each other your lives, and I believe that promise is more important than any one decision about where to live. That is what our church leadership told us, and I believe they were speaking truth; I believe your marriage covenant is that important. I remember being disappointed not to hear a “go” or “no go for launch” from our church leaders, but only counsel to honor the marriage covenant. Focusing on our marital unity, however, ended up being one of the best helps in overcoming our difficulties.
I hope I made sense with as little pressure as possible. I never mean to push!
And truly, I have no vested interest in your staying or going. I simply want you and your husband to be united in whatever choice you make and however you choose to serve. I did want to give you some practical steps to take though, and I hope those made sense. Sending you love and praying you will find God when you seek him, and that even in the confusion and chaos and grief, you will experience the peace that passes all understanding.
How Moving Abroad is Like Giving Birth
by Elizabeth
In the first two years that I lived in Cambodia, I wrote a lot about the ups and downs (or “yays and yucks” if you prefer). But as I prepared to return “home” after our first time Stateside, I asked myself, what was my overall analysis of those ups and downs? In the end, which wins out: The good, or the bad?
So I listed all the positive and negative things from my life in Cambodia and compared them. What I found in that list was that, in the final evaluation of the term, the good things won out. And here’s why:
Big Blessing #1: I have friends here
A seasoned-missionary-kid-turned-seasoned-missionary advised me to pray for a friend before I even got to the field. I did that, and I asked our prayer supporters to do the same. When I’d been living in this country only five days (and was still jet-lagged), I met the woman who would become my closest friend in Asia. I didn’t know it at the time, but God had already answered my prayer. We go out for girl time about once a month, and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her and our times together.
That’s not all. Shortly after we moved here, a new family joined our team. Over the past year or so, we’ve gotten to know and love them. We take care of each other when we’re sick (which is pretty often), and when we’re not sick, we make each other laugh. They are our teammates, and they make life sunnier.
Big Blessing #2: My marriage counselor was right
He assured us that we would be “just fine” on the field if Jonathan and I continued to love each other well. That if we really “got” this whole loving each other thing, we would be okay. I wanted his promise to be true. I wanted his claim to be right—but I didn’t know if it would be.
Now, nearly two years in, I can say that he was right. This counselor has a special place in his heart for ministry and missionary couples and desires to strengthen their marriages so they can persevere in ministry. He showed us how to love each other better and how to invite God into the painful parts of our lives. Our marriage has not only survived the cross-cultural chaos, it’s actually better now than it was two years ago.
Big