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Start with baby on his back, then his tummy. The pressure needs to be moderate, not too light. In India, where baby massage is a centuries-old tradition, women lay baby on their outstretched legs and work vigorously with warm oil. (Search online for a video to get an idea of the amount of pressure.) Talk to, sing to, or smile at baby while you massage. A silent, distant massage only raises baby’s stress level. If baby seems agitated, adjust your touch, or try another time—baby may just need a break right now (see page).
THE RESEARCH
In one study, preterm babies got skin-to-skin contact (”kangaroo care”) each day. Each time researchers followed up, between 6 months old and 10 years old, these babies had more efficient stress responses, more organized sleep patterns, and better executive function than preterm babies cared for in an incubator. The new moms were less anxious, too.
Baby loves it when you mimic her facial expressions, coo at her little sounds, and gaze into her eyes.
When baby tries to engage with you in one of those ways, she needs you to respond in kind. This “serve and return” interaction is foundational in wiring baby’s brain. It helps the brain develop in a way that supports stress regulation, empathy, and emotional stability. But sometimes baby needs a break.
I was leaning over my newborn on a play mat, laughing and cooing, when baby suddenly turned her head to the left, lost in a million-mile stare. I had an urge to say, “Hello? Where’d you go?”
Then I remembered that when a baby is overstimulated, she tells you by
• turning her head away,
• closing her eyes,
• avoiding your gaze,
• tensing up, or
• suddenly becoming fussy.
It was neat for me to understand what was happening. And it helped me resist my initial urge to bring baby back by calling her name or waving in front of her face. My baby turned back to me just a few moments later, ready to carry on.
Synchrony creates a trusting relationship
Matching baby’s lulls by patiently waiting, and then engaging when she does, is a hallmark of responsive, sensitive parenting. You’re attuned to baby, aware of baby’s cues, and quick to respond to baby’s cues. Sensitive parenting helps baby form a trusting relationship with you, called “secure attachment.” Parents who continually ignore or reject their baby’s bids for interaction and reassurance don’t create a trusting relationship. Attachment has nothing to do with whether baby is constantly attached to your body.
Being out of sync stresses baby
When mama and baby are in sync, their biological rhythms are, too. For example, during face-to-face interaction, their heartbeats become coordinated with a lag of less than one second.
When parent and baby are out of sync, baby gets stressed. Harvard researcher Ed Tronick conducted “still face” experiments in which mothers simply gave a blank stare when their babies wanted to engage. The babies tried smiling, pointing, waving, and screeching, all to no avail. Babies then began to turn away, cry, and slump. When the mothers quit their act, it took their babies a moment to trust them again and reengage. But they did reengage. Building (or breaking) a trusting relationship with baby is a process that happens over several years.
A smile, a wink, a hug, or a word of encouragement helps create a positive home environment. When children get attention in positive ways, they are less likely to seek attention in negative ways.
Quality time with baby can mean taking out the garbage together.
Including baby in life’s little tasks requires accepting that any task will take much, much longer. But that’s OK. Engaging baby in whatever you’re doing gives you lots to show baby and lots to talk about, along with little moments you’ll cherish.
For part of the day, baby and I have friends to meet, books to read, music to dance to, and walks to go on. But when I need to get stuff done, here are some of the things that work for me:
Showering
• Before baby can sit up: Cradle baby in a portable chair, or surround baby with pillows on the floor within your view.
• Once baby can sit up: Let baby splash, too, on the bathtub floor or in a bucket-style baby bath. I’m very grateful for our Tummy Tub.
Cooking
• Before baby can sit up, put baby in a carrier.
• Prep food at the dining-room table while baby sits in the high chair, or bring the high chair to the kitchen. Talk about all of the ingredients, and pass baby produce to feel or taste.
• Sit baby on the floor with some blocks, pans and utensils, or food samples. Explain the things you’re doing.
• Get a stool or “learning tower” so your child can see. Have her help, by throwing away packaging, pouring ingredients into the pot, or stirring.
• I often make a green smoothie in the blender. Baby likes to nibble the pear, twist the lemon halves on the citrus juicer, strip the stems from the kale, and watch everything whirl. As I turn on the blender, I say, “Loud noise in one, two, three—” and we do a little dance.
Laundry
• Let baby put a couple items in the machine, twist some knobs, and watch the spinning clothes—it’s TV for babies!
• Play peekaboo while folding laundry.
• Ask your toddler to put away items that belong in his room.
• Make the bed with baby in it. Whip the sheet into the air and let it float down over the two of you.
Cleaning
• Hand over part of the job. Around 18 months, my baby liked to get out the dustpan when I was sweeping, and she’d grab the rag to wipe up spills.
• Enlist baby’s help to empty the dishwasher: “Here, put your dish on your shelf. Can you get your stool, and put your spoon in the drawer?”
Fixing stuff
• Your toddler would probably love to help you assemble her new balance bike, remove the old knobs from the dresser drawers, or sit in your suitcase and twist the screwdriver to tighten the handle. Explain as you go.
Errands
• Walk, if you can, or take the bus. People you pass by love to talk with baby, and you see all sorts of interesting things.
• Choose one errand and make a day of it. For example, I once walked to a store five miles away. Baby and I had plenty to look at along the way, we ran into a friend, we stopped for lunch, and we took the bus home. The errand took hours, technically, but it made for a nice day.
Describe the world to baby in all its richness. “Mmm, pomegranate seeds. Aren’t they a beautiful color? A deep red, like rubies.” Count the stairs as you walk them. Recount your day. Say anything and everything—just talk a ton. Read every day.