some cases, a client will say, “I know what I want, but I don’t think I can ever have it,” “My wife wouldn’t let me do that,” or, “I’ll become homeless if I take that kind of job.” It’s a big question.
How about you? What do you want? What kind of life at work would you like to have?
When you answer, don’t think about obstacles. It’s time to think about what you really want. And it’s never too late. “When is the best time to plant a tree?” an old Chinese proverb begins. “Twenty years ago and today.” The same is true for you and your work.
In graduate school, I learned about a concept called “locus of control.” Developed by psychologist Julian Rotter, locus of control means how you perceive the source of control within your own life. People with high locus of control believe they have high control of their lives. People with low locus of control believe that other forces and people control their lives.2
Locus of control refers to your beliefs and perceptions rather than what is really happening. If you believe that your promotion is based on external factors like luck or favoritism by your boss, this would show low locus of control. If you believe your promotion is based on your own effort and your relationships with others, this would show high locus of control. This is not an absolute measure. Think of it more as a scale where most of us would fall somewhere between the two extremes.
In my work, I have seen many people increase their locus of control and take greater charge of their own lives. It’s possible to change your beliefs and widen your perceptions. One key is to detach from your current beliefs by living more in the moment. That’s why I tell people to ask themselves, “What do I want to create today?” every day when they head to work.
I suggest they give some thought to what they want work to look like, what they want work to feel like. For example, if they’ve been having arguments with their boss, what different kind of relationship could they create. What could they change to make things better? One client of mine who loves to ski decided she would like to create a situation at work that looked like skiing. She would encounter “moguls” at work, but she would know how to handle them or maneuver around them, just like she did on the slopes.
Creating something today might also mean a single-minded focus on completing a report, preparing a PowerPoint presentation, or preparing a marketing plan. It could be beginning a friendship with a new coworker or building a stronger relationship with the boss. It might mean taking a step toward creating a better atmosphere at work by bringing pastries to the morning meeting or leaving your office door open as an invitation for others to come in and chat.
I suggest people answer the question for that day, right then, and think about what could happen now—not yesterday, not next week, but now. Try asking yourself what you would like to create today. You’ll be surprised at the result, as long as you let yourself be open to the answer. Don’t let yourself be trapped into obsessing about the boss or yesterday’s awful client meetings or worrying about what you will do after retirement. Instead, ask yourself what you want to create today, right now, at this moment.
If the question Do you know what you want? is too tough to answer or appears too abstract, the question Do you know what you want to create today? will help you see what work could be. It’s a small step, one that will help you figure out the answer to the bigger question of what you want.
Don’t critique what you want or say it’s impossible. Don’t wait until you finish this book. Just say what you want. Write it down. Now.
Have you forgotten what you want? Many people have, or they’ve decided they can’t obtain what they want, so they hide their real thoughts, feelings, and desires. Some are so busy just working away that they don’t even think about what they want. Others fear that if they say what they want, they may set themselves up for disappointment if they cannot achieve it.
I’m always skeptical when I hear people say, “I don’t know what I want.” It comes out too easily. Often the person really does know what they want. Or at least they know what they once wanted.
It’s easier not to acknowledge what you want, because with acknowledgment comes the responsibility of taking some action to achieve the goal. So, instead of declaring what they want, many people ignore and suppress what they want and simply say, “I don’t know.”
How about you? Do you find you’re not being honest with yourself in this way? Are you really someone who “doesn’t know”?
If the answer to what you want doesn’t come to you right away, it can come to you over time. When working with my clients, I ask questions such as these to get closer to the answer:
• What’s missing from the work you currently do?
• What do you like to do?
• What do you dislike doing?
• How would you like to work with your boss?
• Are there some images that come to mind when you think about the way you would like to work?
I don’t ask clients to think about a specific job they want, but to think about what they would like from work and at work. Skill development? Joy? Fun? Respect? Independence? Accomplishment? Challenge? Who are the people you want to work with?
The answers eventually do come: “I want to work with my hands,” “I’d like to help people,” “I’d like to be more independent,” “I’d like to have a more flexible schedule,” “I want to handle my boss better,” “I’d like to be more confident,” “I want to use what I learned in business school.”
I tell people to do some research, just like they once did in school or in other jobs. But this time the subject of their research is themselves.
To get what you want, you do not necessarily have to change jobs. You may be able to stay in the same job or with the same company by shifting your perspective or by transferring to another department. You may have to learn new skills for handling people, solving problems, or doing different tasks, but don’t jump in right away with a to-do list. It’s too early for that.
Does this idea of giving some serious thought to what you want speak to you? Have you been avoiding thoughts about what you really want? Is your first reaction, “I’m too busy to think about all this”?
Yet what could be more important?
It may seem that learning more about yourself is going backward rather than forward. But by learning about yourself, you are gaining insights that will give you the energy to have the kind of life at work you truly want.
You might wonder why you have to do this or why you can’t just take a test that will tell you everything you need to know about yourself. Indeed, there are tests that will give you insight into yourself, but it’s more important to develop the skills for observing yourself. Why let a test dictate the way you will live your life? Now is the time to develop self-observation skills you can use throughout your life.
I hear people say, “If only I had another boss, this job would be perfect.” Yet once they get a new boss, things may be good for a while, but then I hear the same complaint: “My new boss is ruining my life at work.” It’s the same with money. “If only my salary were higher, I’d be happy.” But then after a raise or two, their spending has increased beyond their new salary and they’re wishing for even more money.
Having the kind of life you want at work has to do with only one person: you. Not your boss, not your spouse, not your family. Know about yourself and what you want first, and then it will be easier to deal effectively with your boss, spouse, and everyone else.
What to Do
Have you ever kept a daily journal or notebook? I have for more than thirty years, and it’s been a helpful tool for learning. Dedicate a notebook or computer file to yourself. Write down what you’re thinking about work and answer these questions, most of which I listed a few paragraphs ago:
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