stage was deep, its rake steep, but it was the ceiling that revealed this had once been a truly impressive building. High above our heads plaster cherubs toyed with lutes and angelic trumpets amongst bowers of awakening plaster blooms. Remnants of white paint still illuminated some of the chubby orchestra, but most of them had sunk into the same mouldering grey that covered the rest of the ceiling. In its centre, half hidden by the lighting rig, was a chipped but still elaborate ceiling rose marred by a half plastered hole where I guessed a massive chandelier had once hung. Cracks fractured out from the damaged rose and into the outskirts of the ceiling. Not all of them were linked, but they gave the impression of being connected, like irrepressible tributaries sinking underground when the earth turns to stone, but always resurfacing.
‘Have a seat,’ Ray pulled out a chair and lowered himself into it, ‘see what it’s like to be one of the audience.’
I drew up a chair, turning at the hollow sound of footsteps on the wooden floor. A slim, dark-haired girl strode in and started to wipe the tables, putting debris of crumpled tissues, abandoned leaflets and empty fag packets into a tin bucket as she worked. I smiled but she looked past me to Ray, shooting him a sour look. Ray attempted a smile.
‘So, what do you think? Maybe not as big as you’re used to, but it has a certain charm?’
The girl saved me from answering, calling something in German across the hall. Ray answered quick in a tone that might have been friendly or harsh. She turned away from him, reciting a few words in a singsong voice, then tucked the cloth into the back of her jeans and walked towards the exit. Ray shook his head, ‘Women, the same across the world, impossible and irreplaceable.’ He smoothed the grey moustache slowly, like he was calming himself. ‘I know your agent negotiated a few days of freedom before you start…’ I could feel it coming, the not-quite-deal-breaker the management hits you with to soften you up for the rest of the betrayals. ‘But in this business we have to be flexible.’
He paused and I gave a noncommittal smile. On the stage behind him a well-built man in cut-off sweats started going through a warm-up, easing into some stretches, then lifting his leg high in a balletic pose. I nodded towards him and said, ‘I’m not sure I could manage that level of flexibility.’
Ray frowned then turned to look at the man.
‘Acrobats aren’t worth the trouble. You invest in them, break your back helping them, then they go and do the same, only they break their backs for real. Kolja is talented, but acrobats have short lives; he’ll be walking with a stick or teaching sports in a kindergarten before he’s thirty.’
‘Seems harsh.’
Ray shrugged his shoulders. I could imagine him sending a ten-year-old to drown a sack of kittens with the same shrug.
‘It’s a fact. These kids go to circus school. They know the odds, but still think they’ll live forever. That is natural too.’
On the stage Kolja stopped his stretch to watch us. I thought I saw amusement in his face, but he turned away too quickly for me to be sure. Perhaps Ray saw it too, because he leaned back and shouted something in German towards the athlete. The young man made no reply, but his mouth set into a stiff smile as he punted himself down from the stage.
‘There’s no time for you to go to your lodgings now. He’ll put your luggage in the dressing room.’
I got to my feet.
‘I’ll do it myself.’
Kolja walked past without glancing towards us, leaving me standing awkwardly by the table. I sat back down and lit a cigarette. Ray shrugged. He sounded tired.
‘He’s proud of his muscles, let him use them. Come on, let’s finish our business, then perhaps you’ll do some prepa rations.’
‘Perhaps.’
Ray smiled and led me through to his office.
‘So this is my sanctuary. Anytime you need to find me, you start looking here.’
Ray’s sanctuary was cramped. A workbench ran the length of the far wall, hidden beneath stacks of paper and some surprisingly new computer equipment. A small window above the bench looked into the ticket-booth where the girl who had been clearing the tables was now busying herself behind the desk. Beyond her I could see the empty foyer and an open door leading out into the courtyard. The wall behind me was covered in a mosaic of photographs, some expensively framed, others carelessly sellotaped to the wall. I looked at a smartly mounted photograph of a man in full evening rig placing his head inside a polar bear’s mouth. The man had removed his top hat for the act, and now flourished it in his right hand. His own grin was just visible through the jagged teeth of the bear.
Ray saw me looking and said, ‘My grandfather.’
‘It’s an amazing picture.’
‘More amazing than you can know. Outside the ring my grandfather was as soft as butter. People said he let his children run wild, but when it came to animals he was in charge. He ruled lions, tigers, polar bears even, for thirty years, with no injury to himself or to them.’
‘A brave man.’
‘Yes, he knew the risks.’ Ray turned his attention to his desk, sifting through a pile of papers looking for something. ‘The moment after that photograph was taken the bear attacked him, perhaps the flash provoked it. My grandmother was his assistant. She was standing by the cage, as she did every night, with a loaded pistol. She shot the bear, but it takes more than a single bullet to kill a creature like that.’ He glanced back at the photograph. ‘It’s something we should all remember. Even if you’re not placing your head in a bear’s mouth, show business is a risky occupation.’ He smiled. ‘It’s a sad photograph. Let me show you one that will make you smile, then you can meet our stage manager and go through your requirements.’ We rose and Ray walked me into the theatre’s small foyer. ‘Look.’
Pinned behind glass was a large poster featuring a publicity shot Rich had insisted on three years ago. It was a while since I’d looked closely at it and blown up poster size it was clear that the intervening years had been crueller than I remembered. The suit I was wearing no longer fitted, and either the photographer had employed an airbrush, or I’d grown a deal redder and a trifle more craggy since we’d met. The man in the picture looked younger, leaner, sharper than I ever recalled being. It was even possible that he had a little more hair than me. I stroked my hand across my head wondering if I was about to add baldness to my list of worries. Ray’s expression was hidden behind the grey moustache, but his voice sounded anxious.
‘What do you think?’
I looked at the red lettering scattering superlatives across the poster. My German might be non-existent but I could guess the meaning of Fantastisch! I turned to the posters hanging beside my boastful image and it suddenly became clear why Ray had decided I was unsuitable to join the ensemble. Schall und Rauch’s cast shone from the picture fresh and smiling, the outlines of their bodies impressive beneath the tight fabric of their costumes. The recognition that Ray was right stung, but another more pressing worry had suddenly presented itself. Painted in shiny blue letters below the image was the legend, Cabaret Erotisch!
*
The stage manager turned out to be the girl I had first seen wiping the tables. She slid wearily from the ticket booth, brushing back tendrils of not very clean hair that had escaped from the loose roll twisted at the back of her head. She looked as if she hadn’t slept in weeks, but the look suited her. Suddenly, despite the rundown theatre and the reminder that I lacked the basic equipment to qualify for an erotic entertainment, Berlin didn’t seem such a bleak prospect. Ray introduced her as Ulla; I held out my hand and she shook it gently. Her palms were cold and dry and slightly calloused. I tried to keep the wolf out of my face and asked, ‘Do you do everything round here?’
Ulla frowned.
‘I do my job.’
Her English was slightly more accented than Ray’s. I liked it better. She was easier on the eye too, even when she was frowning. I slipped