my twin brother turning to me one day and saying, “You’re so unhappy. Just go.” And I remember pointing to a record of mine. It was leaning up against the wall in the corner of my room and I said, “But I don’t want to let go of that.” And he said, “You don’t have to. Just go.” And that was a really sweet moment.
Has the person the song’s about contacted you since?
MORISSETTE: No, not yet. I’m sure I’ll speak with him at some point. But there’s not that much to say, other than that I’m sharing my experience and I will always respect his privacy as I did with the person that “You Oughta Know” is about and as I did with many of the songs.
What would be your advice for a teenage girl trying to make it in the industry today?
MORISSETTE: If I were to have a daughter who wanted to engage in this type of industry, I would make sure I had her back. I just feel like there was this illusion that I had to pick between two doors: this complex kind of dynamic with older men and younger women in the industry, or no music being expressed. But I realize as I get older and have more experience that there’s always a fucking third door, you know.
When spending an extended amount of time with someone for an article, previously guarded secrets often tend to surface. In the case of At the Drive-In, a post-hardcore band that became the next big thing in rock music before imploding, it was a secret so dark that it felt necessary to call At the Drive-In guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López afterward and prepare him for its disclosure.
This portion of the interview took place before an At the Drive-In show at Universal Amphitheatre in Los Angeles. Rodríguez-López and drummer Tony Hajjar were discussing working with producer Ross Robinson.
When I’ve seen Ross produce other bands, he’s had them regressing to their childhood and on the floor crying like babies to get something emotional out of them. Did he get into any psychotherapy with you?
TONY HAJJAR: I haven’t talked about this, but I remember recording “Invalid Litter Dept.” The song is about all the women that were murdered in the Juárez area. And the thing that happened was that in that song, Ross brought up my mom. She passed away in 1988, and it was a poignant time. That’s what he got out of me on that song, that’s for sure. And I haven’t figured out whether that was good or bad.
How did she pass away?
HAJJAR: She died of cancer—on May 25, 1988.
And now you forever associate the song with her?
HAJJAR: I don’t know if I should have gone that far when we were recording. Now, every time we play it, I do associate the song with my emotions about her.
OMAR RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: You obviously have an emotional link when you make music, but I think he embedded it that much deeper.14
Did he do that with you, too?
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: For me, the emotional links he made with all the songs worked. I did a lot of camping when I was younger to work on my issues as an incest survivor. And there are plenty of things, like breath therapy, that I learned but had never thought to apply to music in the studio.
So it was like finding a way to get something constructive out of a destructive experience?
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: Exactly. I definitely went through a time of searching and dropping out of high school and hitchhiking for a year and eating out of garbage cans and shooting all kinds of things into my arm and getting into really fucked-up situations just for the sake of experiencing them. And self-mutilation. That’s not to say if we do our next record with someone else, I’m going to sit there with them and talk about all this stuff that happened to me. But now I know I can be conscious of it and use it as a tool for myself to get a better performance.
HAJJAR: I think we came out of that experience probably stronger and closer than we ever were, and I consider us five a really, really close band because we care about each other’s thoughts and emotions and respect each other.15 It was just an amazing time. I can’t believe that it happened.
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: We had sex (laughs).
Rodríguez-López brought up incest so casually that I assume it’s a commonly known fact about him. But afterward, I can’t find a single reference to the incident. So before the article is published, I call to warn him.
You mentioned in passing that you were an incest survivor, and I wanted to let you know that’s going to be in the article.
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: Yes, I know I said it.
Are you comfortable with it being in the story?
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: I don’t know. I think I trust your judgment.
The magazine wanted me to ask if there was a possibility of a lawsuit from the person who did it.
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: No way.
Why is that?
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: Because of this person’s career, they wouldn’t want to associate themselves with that.
Does anyone else know about it or could anyone testify that it happened?
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: My close friends know about it.
The call ended awkwardly, but five hours later, Rodríguez-López phoned back.
RODRÍGUEZ-LÓPEZ: Thanks for calling about it. I had a long talk with my friends, and I’m ready for the information to be out.
After dinner one night, Christina Aguilera climbed into a chauffeured van, sat in the backseat, and stared out of the window in silence for the entire ride, interrupted occasionally by the ringing of her cell phone. Her Discman earphones were over her head, but no music was playing. She was simply shutting off.
This seemed to be a frequent habit of hers: She would stare out a window or at a ceiling, and her mind would drift somewhere. You could yell her name, tap her on the shoulder, set her shoes on fire—and chances are she wouldn’t respond. At the time, little was known about Aguilera’s past other than her stint on The Mickey Mouse Club with Britney Spears, but gradually it became obvious why this habit began.
I notice a lot of times you seem to be zoning out.
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: I’m never zoning out. I told you I was a deep thinker. My mind is always thinking. I’ll think about really crazy things, like being on top of that pole up there (points to a flagpole outside). Or I’ll get a lot of different weird visions. It’s like my own little world. My life just revolves around putting myself out there for people, and giving and giving. So whenever I get those five minutes in a van or limo or wherever, those are special moments to just zone out and think and dream. I just love being able to do that. It’s funny that you notice that.
Shortly afterward, she discusses wanting to be a role model. It seems like a strange thing to say, especially considering her conversation after the photo shoot about wanting to be more sexual and rebellious.
It’s interesting how you want to be sexually provocative, yet a role model at the same time.
AGUILERA: Where the whole role model comes in for me is