Family members and ex-cons were easy to convince of God’s will. As soon as Drusella’s son took note of the pretty young Sisters his age, he’d be back. And everyone knew you could convert an ex-con with a few well-timed pecan pies.
Wednesday was her only day off besides Sunday, and though a phone call or two was her policy on days off, she very seldom visited the hospital. And yet, last Wednesday, she’d had to. The more she’d considered Cleophus’s situation—his loss of limb, his devil’s music, his unsettling laughter—the more she grew convinced that he was her Missionary Challenge. That he was especially in need of Saving.
Minutes after she’d talked with him on the phone, she took the number 42 bus and transferred to the crosstown H, then walked the rest of the way to the hospital.
Edwina had taken over for Patty as nurses’ station attendant, and she’d said, “We have an ETOH in—where’s your uniform?”
“It’s not my shift,” she called behind her as she rushed past Edwina and into Room 204.
She opened the door to find Cleophus sitting on the bed, still plucking chords on his unplugged electric guitar that she’d heard him playing over the phone half an hour earlier. Mr. Toomey’s bed was empty; one of the nurses must have already taken him to O.R., so Cleophus had the room to himself. The right leg of Cleophus’s hospital pants hung down limp and empty, and it was the first time she’d seen his guitar, curvy and shiny as a sportscar. He did not acknowledge her when she entered. He was still picking away at his guitar, singing a song about a man whose woman had left him so high and dry, she’d taken the car, the dog, the furniture. Even the wallpaper. Only when he’d strummed the final chords did Cleophus look up, as if noticing her for the first time.
“Sister Clare-reeeese!” He said it as if he were introducing a showgirl.
“It’s your soul,” Clareese said. “God wants me to help save your soul.” The urgency of God’s message struck her so hard, she felt the wind knocked out of her. She sat on the bed next to him.
“Really?” he said, cocking his head a little.
“Really and truly,” Clareese said. “I know I said I liked your music, but I said it because God gave you that gift for you to use. For Him.”
“Uhnn-huh,” Cleophus said. “How about this, little lady. How about if God lets me keep this knee, I’ll come to church with you. We can go out and get some dinner afterwards. Like a proper couple.”
She tried not to be flattered. “The Lord does not make deals, Mr. Sanders. But I’m sure the Lord would love to see you in church regardless of what happens to your knee.”
“Well, since you seem to be His receptionist, how about you ask the Lord if he can give you the day off. I can take you out on the town. See, if I go to church, I know the Lord won’t show. But I’m positive you will.”
“Believe you me, Mr. Sanders, the Lord is at every service. Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” She sighed, trying to remember what she came to say. “He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. No man—”
“... cometh to the father,” Cleophus said, “but by me.”
She looked at him. “You know your Bible.”
“Naw. You were speaking and I just heard it.” He absently strummed his guitar. “You were talking, saying that verse, and the rest of it came to me. Not even a voice,” he said, “more like . . . kind of like music.”
She stared. Her hands clapped his, preventing him from playing further. For a moment, she was breathless. He looked at her, suddenly seeming to comprehend what he’d just said, that the Lord had actually spoken to him. For a minute, they sat there, both overjoyed at what the Lord had done, but then he had to go ruin it. He burst out laughing his biggest, most sinful laugh yet.
“Awww!” he cried, doubled over, and then flopped backward onto his hospital bed. Then he closed his eyes, laughing without sound.
She stood up, chest heaving, wondering why she even bothered with him.
“Clareese,” he said, trying to clear his voice of any leftover laughter, “don’t go.” He looked at her with pleading eyes, then patted the space beside him on the bed.
She looked around the room for some cue. Whenever she needed an answer, she relied on some sign from the Lord; a fresh beam of sunlight through the window, the hands of a clock folded in prayer, or the flush of a commode. These were signs that whatever she was thinking of doing was right. If there was a storm cloud, or something in her path, then that was a bad sign. But nothing in the room gave her any indication whether she should stay and witness to Mr. Sanders, or go.
“What, Mr. Sanders, do you want from me? It’s my day off. I decided to come by and offer you an invitation to my church because God has given you a gift. A musical gift.” She dug into her purse, then pulled out a pocket-sized Bible. “But I’ll leave you with this. If you need to find us—our church—the name and number is printed inside.”
He took the Bible with a little smile, turning it over, then flipping through it, as if some money might be tucked away inside. “Seriously, though,” he’d said, “let me ask you a question that’s gonna seem dumb. Childish. Now, I want you to think long and hard about it. Why the hell’s there so much suffering in the world if God’s doing his job? I mean, look at me. Take old Toomey, too. We done anything that bad to deserve all this put on us?”
She sighed. “Because of people, that’s why. Not God. It’s people who allow suffering, people who create it. Perpetrate it.”
“Maybe that explains Hitler and all them others, but I’m talking about—” He gestured at the room, the hospital in general.
Clareese tried to see what he saw when he looked at the room. At one time, the white and pale green walls of the hospital rooms had given her solace; the way everything was clean, clean, clean; the many patients that had been in each room, some nice, some dying, some willing to accept the Lord. But most, like Mr. Toomey, cast the Lord aside like wilted lettuce, and now the clean hospital room was just a reminder of the emptiness, the barrenness, of her patients’ souls. Cleophus Sanders was just another patient who disrespected the Lord.
“Why does He allow natural disasters to kill people?” Clareese said, knowing that her voice was raised louder than what she meant it to be. “Why are little children born to get some rare blood disease and die? Why,” she yelled, waving her arms, “does a crane fall on your leg and smash it? I don’t know, Mr. Sanders. And I don’t like it. But I’ll say this! No one has a right to live! The only right we have is to die. That’s it! If you get plucked out of the universe and given a chance to become a life, that’s more than not having become anything at all, and for that, Mr. Sanders, you should be grateful!”
She had not known where this last bit had come from, and, she could tell, neither had he, but she could hear the other nurses coming down the hall to see who was yelling, and though Cleophus Sanders looked to have more pity on his face than true belief, he had come after her when she turned to leave. She’d heard the clatter of him gathering his crutches, and even when she heard the meaty weight of him slam onto the floor, she did not turn back.
THEN there it was. Pastor Everett’s silly motion of cupping his hand to his ear, like he was eavesdropping on the choir, his signal that he was waiting for Sister Clareese to sing her solo, waiting to hear the voice that would send the congregation shouting, “Thank you, Jesus, Blessed Savior!”
How could she do it? She thought of Cleophus on the floor and felt ashamed. She hadn’t seen him since; her yelling had been brought to the attention of the administrators, and although the hospital was understaffed, the administration had suggested that she not return until next week. They handed her the card of the staff psychiatrist. She had not told anyone at church what had happened. Not even her aunt Alma.
She didn’t want to sing. Didn’t feel like it, but, she