of my fate, I am the master of my soul. A Roman, by a Roman, valiantly vanquished.
There is a truck, too close behind her, she can see its great dead smeared glass underwater eyes looming at her in her driving mirror. In the old days, Hamish used to slam on his brakes in situations like this, as a warning. She’d always thought that was dangerous, but he’d never come to any harm. He hadn’t died at the wheel. He’d died of something more insidious, less violent, more cruelly protracted.
She chooses the accelerator. It’s safer than the brake. Her first husband Claude had believed in the use of the accelerator, and she was with him on that.
Francesca Stubbs is on her way to a conference on sheltered housing for the elderly, a subject pertinent to her train of thought, but not in itself heroic. Fran is something of an expert in the field, and is employed by a charitable trust which devotes generous research funds to examining and improving the living arrangements of the ageing. She’s always been interested in all forms of social housing, and this new job suits her well. She’s intrigued by the way more and more people in England opt to live alone, in the early twenty-first century. Students don’t seem to mind cohabitation, even like it, and cohabitation is forced upon the ill and the elderly, but more and more of the able-bodied in their mid-life choose to live alone. This is making demands on the housing stock which successive governments are unable and possibly unwilling even to try to satisfy.
Fran is in favour of a land tax. That would shake things up a bit. But the English are extraordinarily tenacious of land. They hate to relinquish even a yard of it. The word ‘freehold’ has a powerful resonance.
No, there is nothing heroic about the housing stock and planning policy, subjects which currently occupy her working life, but old age itself is a theme for heroism. It calls upon courage.
Fran had from an unsuitably early age been attracted by the heroic death, the famous last words, the tragic farewell. Her parents had on their shelves a copy of Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, a book which, as a teenager, she would morbidly browse for hours. One of her favourite sections was ‘Dying Sayings’, with its fine mix of the pious, the complacent, the apocryphal, the bathetic and the defiant. Artists had fared well: Beethoven was alleged to have said ‘I shall hear in heaven’; the erotic painter Etty had declared ‘Wonderful! Wonderful this death!’; and Keats had died bravely, generously comforting his poor friend Severn.
Those about to be executed had clearly had time to prepare a fine last thought, and of these she favoured the romantic Walter Raleigh’s, ‘It matters little how the head lies, so the heart be right’. Harriet Martineau, who had suffered much as a child from religion, as Fran had later discovered, had stoically remarked, ‘I see no reason why the existence of Harriet Martineau should be perpetuated’, an admirably composed sentiment which had caught the child Fran’s attention long before she knew who Harriet Martineau was. But most of all she had liked the parting words of Siward the Dane who had commanded his men: ‘Lift me up that I may die standing, not lying down like a cow’. She didn’t know why this appealed to her so strongly, as she was herself very unlikely to die on a battlefield. Maybe it meant she had Danish blood? Well, she probably had, of course, as many, perhaps most of us in England have. Or maybe she had liked the mention of the cow, which she heard as strangely affectionate, not as contemptuous.
She was much more likely to die on a motorway than on a battlefield.
The Vikings hadn’t approved of dying quietly and comfortably in bed. Unlike her first husband Claude, who was currently making himself as comfortable as he could.
She has pulled away from the truck, and is now overtaking a dirty maroon family saloon with an annoying sticker about its ‘Baby on Board’. There is an anonymous dirty white van just behind her now. It isn’t raining, but it’s dirty weather, and there’s grimy February splatter and spray on her windscreen. There’s worse weather on the way, the forecast warns, but it hasn’t reached her yet. It’s been a grim winter so far.
Why the hell is she driving, anyway? Why hadn’t she taken the train? Because, like all those people who insist on living alone when they don’t have to, she likes being on her own, in her own little space, not cooped up with invasively dressed strangers eating crisps and sandwiches and clutching polystyrene coffee and obesely overflowing their seat space and chattering on their mobiles. She is hurtling happily along to the car park of a Premier Inn on the outskirts of Birmingham, guided by her satnav, and looking forward to her evening meal. Some of the other delegates will be staying at the Premier Inn, and she is looking forward to seeing them. She’ll be able to get away from them if she wants to and take herself off to her anonymous bedroom to watch some regional TV.
Fran loves regional TV. You find out a lot of odd things, watching regional TV up and down the land. She’s glad she’s still got the energy and the will to drive around England, looking at housing developments and care homes. She’s a lucky woman, lucky in her work. Sometimes, in her more elevated moments, she thinks she is in love with England, with the length and breadth of England. England is now her last love. She wants to see it all before she dies. She won’t be able to do that, but she’ll do her best.
The charity that employs her doesn’t cover Scotland and Wales.
She wouldn’t mind dying on the road, driving around the country, though she wouldn’t want to take any innocent people with her.
The dirty white van is far too close. The bad name of white van drivers is well deserved, in Fran’s opinion.
There’d been another section in Brewer’s, called ‘Death from Strange Causes’. It wasn’t as good as ‘Dying Sayings’, but it had its charms. Memorable recorded deaths, most of them occurring in antiquity, had involved the swallowing of goat-hairs, grape stones, guineas and toothpicks. According to Pliny, Aeschylus had been killed by a falling tortoise. Many have been killed by pigs. Some choke to death with laughter. Nobody, as far as she knows, has yet thought to keep the white van tally, which must be high.
She is looking forward to seeing her colleague Paul Scobey again. As she checks in at the Premier Inn reception desk, having parked in the allotted space in the subterranean metal car cage, there he is, sitting on an orange and purple couch in the foyer, nursing half a pint and watching a super-coloured soccer match on a giant overhead TV. He waves when she spots him, and she goes over to say hello, begging him not to interrupt his viewing. Paul is her friend and ally. He is far too young to share her first-hand empathetic familiarity with some of the needs of the elderly, but he has a pleasantly sardonic manner, a detachment that she finds enabling. He doesn’t expect people to want what they ought to want. So many in the geriatric business can’t understand the perversity of human beings, their attachments to or impatience with irrational aspects of their old homes and neighbourhoods, their sudden detestations of members of their family with whom they had rubbed along without protest for years, their refusal to admit that they were old and would soon be incapable. Paul seems unusually accepting of the changing vagaries of human need. He’s in favour of community living and co-operative schemes, but he understands those who refuse to downsize and need at the end to die alone in a five-storey building, fixing the threat of a mansion tax with a cold eye. Carrots and sticks, says Paul. If you want to get them out, you have to tempt them out.
Fran doesn’t like that phrase, ‘carrots and sticks’. Old people aren’t donkeys. But he’s got the right ideas.
He has a mother living stubbornly alone in the house where he had been born, in the low-rise Hagwood 1950s estate on the western edge of Smethwick. He speaks of her sometimes, but not very often. He talks more about the merits and failings of corporation and council housing than he speaks of his mother, but Fran knows that thoughts of his mother inform his thinking. And he also has an elderly and long-demented aunt, his mother’s older sister Dorothy, living very near to where they are now. A visit to see her is on his two-day agenda, and Fran has agreed to accompany him, to see the small care home where she has lived for years. This was his neck of the woods, not Fran’s, although he himself now lives down south in Colchester.
Paul pats the couch by him, suggests she sit, and she sits. The leathery fireproof hollow-fill foam of the couch sinks deeply under her