Times Kyle sank into the couch with his hands over his ears, shutting them out. His older sister, Sylvie, sitting across from him in Gran’s old rocker by the stove, her face hidden inside a book. Those first years neither Kyle nor his sister left the house for long. There were fist holes in the walls reminding them of those times. A smattering of them led down the hallway and one was smack in the middle of their parents’ bedroom door. Not that their father would ever lay a hand on his Addie. But times her tongue would lacerate his drunken mind to the point where he’d hit a wall just to feel the smack of his fist splintering wood. Kyle understood that. No different from him chewing his fingers. Except Kyle’s was a peaceful brooding. He’d done nothing to aid Chris’s leaving for the oil rigs in Alberta with Sylvie that morning. But his father had been sick—heart attack from working himself to death fishing for cod that were too scarce to pay the bills and so he doubled his workload with cutting and hauling logs for the sawmills too. Heart just up and called it quits. New boat and new truck parked out by the door like hungry dogs, growling for their bank payments. And Sylvie. Good good Sylvie stepping up to the fates. Came flying from her high-paying job in the oil-soaked fields of Alberta like Persephone, wife of Hades, Lord of Underground Wealth. Took Chris back with her to the oil fields to help wrestle those snarling dogs and six weeks later Chris was dead. Poor sister. And now she was gone. Off backpacking in Africa somewhere, bewildered by how it all turned out, that her feet continue to walk above the sod whilst Chris’s reside in the shadowed depths of the underworld.
At times Kyle cursed Sylvie and Chris both. For leaving him torn between two grieving parents whose desired end could never be found in him. For his feeling lame because there wasn’t enough of him to fill their hearts. Times he wished for a sword to cleave himself in half: one traipsing behind his father, keeping him from the loneliness of his pain, the other shadowing his mother, helping her cleanse her house of grief.
He stirred in his seat, a sliver of pain darting through the quick of his thumbnail. He’d been chewing his nails again. He reamed his hand into his pocket. Foul! There was something foul about Trapp showing up all the time and never talking to anyone. There was something foul about the whole thing. Sylvie coming home alone with the body. Then Ben coming with Trapp in tow. All three had been tight when they worked the rig. All three had taken a hand in looking out for Chris when he joined them. And yet only Sylvie came home on that flight bearing Chris’s coffin. Sylvie and their mother. Addie. Flying the skies for the first time to help Sylvie bring Chris home. Else Sylvie would still be out there, cowering in the closet where Addie found her. Too distraught to stand. And Ben off searching for Trapp who’d run from the accident and couldn’t be found. They returned three months later, Trapp and Ben. Shame-cast eyes. All three of them—Sylvie, Ben, and Trapp—with shame-cast eyes and a broodiness accompanying their grief. He’d never understood that. Never understood what stalked their sleep at night and eventually sent Ben and Sylvie prowling through savannahs and jungles, leaving Trapp behind to roam in darkness.
His father’s dark shape sifted through the thinning fog. Kyle sat up and started the motor, stomping down on the gas pedal to quiet its revving. Sylvanus kicked the muck of his boots against the truck tire and near fell over.
“Cripes, Mother’s going to shoot you,” said Kyle as his father climbed aboard. “You all right?”
Sylvanus darted a crooked finger towards the windshield. “Drive.”
“Smell the booze a mile away.”
“That’s it now.”
“That’s it now. Right.” Kyle eased the truck over a rough track of tire-flattened beach rocks and turned right from where the river fanned out over the beach before flowing into its shallow mud flat at the mouth of the bay. He drove them across a gravel flat that served as a soccer field during the dustier days of summer. A nice clapboard cabin stood on the inner side of the flat, its back pushing against the encroaching alder bed. Kate’s place. Her door was closed, white smoke clouding from her chimney. Wood must be green. Perhaps he should check whether she had enough wood splits to keep her fire hot.
At the end of the gravel flat he turned left onto Wharf Road, a rutted thoroughfare leading between the rocky edge of the sea and the steep hillside to its right. A few hundred yards down and the road T-boned onto a long sagging wharf. To the right was their one-storey house with its front step resting on the wharf and heavily treed hills rising straight up behind it. He parked in front of the weathered woodshed and jarred his father awake with a punch to the shoulder.
“Mother’s going to kill you. Get in the shed till you sobers up.” He got out of the truck and Sylvanus kept sitting there. “Go on, get out. Get in the shed. I’ll tell her you’re fixing your rod.”
“Come with me.”
“Fucking go by yourself.” Jaysus!
He went into the porch and hung up his coat and kicked off his boots, his damp wool socks smelling like overcooked mutton. The inside door was ajar and he stepped in through to the front room. She wasn’t moving around the kitchen fixing supper as she usually was at this time, but sitting quiet in Gran’s rocker. She was leaning towards the woodstove, her head bowed before its hot orange flames licking at the glass door. Thinking about Gran, he figured, and stepped softly towards her. He often sat there himself, thinking about Gran who’d drifted from them as quiet as a puff of smoke up the chimney a year following Chris’s passing. It was nice, after the horror of Chris’s stark white face, to see Gran’s all sweet and peaceful on a lacy pillow.
“How’s she going, Mom.”
Addie startled onto her feet like a snuck-upon lynx and scampered into the kitchen.
“Where’s your father?” she asked, hauling down the plates for supper.
“The shed. Fixing his rod. What’s wrong?”
“Supper’s soon ready.” She took down the cups, chinking them in their saucers, her back to him.
“Mom?”
She stopped and looked at him and his heart jolted. Her eyes, always frightfully blue, were darkened and wide with—with what?
She raised a hand to touch him and he stepped back, then bolted to the washroom. He skimmed off his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning on the faucet and holding up his face to a spray of hot water. The last time he’d seen her face shrouded with such sorrow was when she stepped off the plane from helping Sylvie bring Chris home. From straight across the tarmac as he stood inside the airport watching her through the thick panes of glass he had seen her sorrow. Seen it in the way she kept her chin erect. In the way her eyes had determinedly sought his through the crowd gathering around and watching alongside of him. And he’d been surprised by such sorrow, for he’d expected to see in her eyes the keener suffering of grief instead. Three babies buried from the womb: she knew grief. Knew its dark and twisted path all fraught with madness and hate and fear and its narrowed arteries choking with self-blame. And perhaps she hadn’t the strength to walk through it again. Or, as he’d seen when she reached back through the doorway of the plane that day and helped Sylvie’s shocked-bent body through the narrow cylinder, perhaps her knowing disallowed another indulgent walk. Perhaps she’d learned how hope eventually creeps through darkness, making inroads through to an easier tomorrow. And that was her task then, to bear her grief with a hope that might shelter him and Sylvie through the coming days. And she had. Cradled and carried them as much as they would allow her. Oftentimes this past year, despite Sylvanus’s drinking, hope continued to grow in her eyes and he’d been turning to it more and more, hoping to offset the grey clouding his.
Water sluiced down his back, scrubbing the day’s dirt off his skin. It caressed the smooth humps of his buttocks and streamed down the backs of his legs and plashed around his feet before suckling itself down the drain. He kept his face to the jettisoning spray of the nozzle and felt its heat flush open his pores and he flattened his hands against the shower stall as though keeping his insides from being flushed out and sucked down the drain along with the water. He had bolted from her that day at the airport, too. Bolted out onto the highway and thumbed a ride with a trucker who left him sitting in silence,