8 Strategies for Successful Step-Parenting. Nadir Baksh Psy.D. PsyD

long she began embracing her strengths and forgiving herself for past mistakes. She learned that her inexperience with children did not overshadow the valuable attributes she brought to the table. In three weeks Rebecca was ready to sit down with her mother-in-law on a more level playing field. She explained that she did not blame her mother-in-law for stepping in, but that her insecurities were based upon fear and uncertainty. She explained that she was an observant and vigilant individual who would, to the best of her ability, not allow any harm to come to the children in her charge. When Rebecca asserted herself and her new-found confidence in the meeting, her mother-in-law admitted that she had reservations about Rebecca’s commitment to the children based upon her lack of parenting experience. By clearing up prior unspoken doubts, the two women worked out a schedule whereby Rebecca would take more charge of her step-children, and her mother-in-law would support her decisions openly.

      Two months after the “meeting” Rebecca came in to happily report that she and her mother-in-law found a nice balance of mutual friendship based solely upon getting to know each other. Rebecca welcomes her mother-in-law’s short, bi-weekly visits with the kids, and has found herself at the center of praise for her quickly learned parenting skills.

      No One Has All the Answers

      Rebecca’s story is an example of the importance of having a more complete sense of yourself. Without this, you may be easily swayed by the opinions of others based upon nothing more than your lack of confidence. In Rebecca’s case, once she recognized that no one parent has all of the answers, and that no one method of parenting is better or worse than the other—as long as the method involves love, boundaries, praise and consequences within reason of a child’s level of emotional and physical maturity—she moved forward with eager enthusiasm and enjoyment in her role as a step-parent. More importantly, she was viewed by the outside world as an individual who made good decisions and with whom the children could be trusted.

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      If you are unsure of who you are (and who isn’t to some degree), you need to really work on asking yourself important questions that can help you to gain insight. If people perceive you in a manner that is unfair and inaccurate—a common scenario—take a step back from this identification. You do not have to behave according to their expectations. What would it mean to be true to yours?

      Children are great judges of character; they can spot an impostor from a mile away, and worse, have no qualms about exposing you. They are also forgiving. If they know you are doing the best you can, that you may make some mistakes along the way, but that you always have their best interest at heart, they will support, defend, and love you.