Blackouts and Breakdowns. Mark Brennan Rosenberg

at a piano bar that we frequented in the West Village. I had just the right amount of vodka in my system to approach a really hot guy that was eye fucking me from across the room. I stumbled over:

      “Hey, Mark,” I said. “I mean…wait…my name is Mark.”

      He laughed: “I’m Michael.”

      “What’s going on?” I asked.

      We chatted for a few minutes and it was clear to Michael and I that we would be hooking up that night. Jason saw what was going on from across the room, and in his usual fashion, came over to interrupt.

      “Hey guys,” Jason said.

      “Jason, this is Michael,” I said as I introduced him to my latest trick.

      Jason and Michael exchanged pleasantries then Jason pulled me aside and whispered in my ear:

      “Mark, you can’t bring that guy home. Our toilet is broken. If he spends the night, he is going to have to go to the bathroom at some point and he most definitely cannot use our toilet.”

      “Damn it!” I replied, “maybe I can go to his.” Jason walked away and I gave him a thanks-for-the-reminder smack on the ass as he walked away. I refocused my attention on Michael.

      “So, do you want to get out of here?” I casually asked Michael.

      “Yes!” he replied.

      “Should we head out to yours?” I asked.

      “No, we can’t, I live in a studio with another guy and we agreed not to bring people back to our place.”

      “Oh.”

      “Why can’t we just go back to your place?”

      “Well…” I said. I couldn’t tell him that our toilet had been clogged for the past two months and that he would have to pee out of the window if he needed to go to the bathroom.

      “Is that Jason kid your boyfriend?”

      I laughed until I almost chocked and replied: “Of course not. Jason is my best friend. We are just having some problems at our apartment.”

      “I really want to hook up with you,” Michael said. Damn it. Why hadn’t we fixed the toilet weeks ago? Why did we suck at life so much that now I was missing a night in bed with a total hottie? I tried to think of an elaborate lie to tell him, but I was too drunk to lie, something that never happened.

      “Well, you can come over if you want,” I said as Michael’s eyes lit up. “But, if you have to go the bathroom you’ll have to pee out of the window; and if you need to take a shit, I am afraid that you will have to go in a plastic bag or run down to the Chinese restaurant downstairs. Just tell Ming, that you are with Jason and I, she knows us.”

      His face went from a smile to a face of utter disgust.

      “Are you serious?” he said.

      “Yes,” I replied. “Our toilet is broken.”

      “That is the most disgusting request anyone has ever asked of me. You people should be ashamed of the way you live,” he said as he grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

      The one time I don’t lie about my life I don’t get laid. Typical.