There is usually tension in the relationship and an inability to get along with each other long before a marriage ends. While a child might not be able to recall his parents' relationship from when he was an infant or a toddler, the atmosphere around each of his parents, and in the home, dramatically impacts the child.
A child below the age of three isn't able to readily distinguish between himself and his parents, so he takes responsibility for what is happening between the parents. He tries in his own little ways to fix the parents, but cannot. He then sees himself as a failure. Of course, he doesn't necessarily have the language to express that he thinks he has failed, but the feelings of failure and not being good enough are still strong within him.
SAM'S STORY
As a boy, Sam could never look back on a pleasant, happy childhood such as most boys enjoy. Both of his parents thought a great deal of him, but when he was five years old, they separated. These circumstances cast the little fellow adrift among relatives and friends who offered to take care of him.
Growing up maladjusted and starved for affection, Sam lived in a dozen different homes in the next few years. Looking back on what this experience did to him, various members of his family wished they might have realized his need and given him a permanent home in their family groups.
By the time realization arrived, it was already too late. In some of the homes where Sam lived he was treated almost cruelly by those who thought they were teaching him obedience, but whose methods could do nothing but arouse his resentment.
When Sam was in his early teens, his father, ill with a heart condition, invited Sam to make his home with him. By that time Sam was associating with a very rough crowd, and frequently would be gone till all hours of the night and early morning. His father would lie on his bed and worry about where his boy might be. Even though he was unable to get around very well, he would laboriously get out of bed to go out and walk up and down the streets, trying to catch a glimpse of his son. This good and wholesome influence was cut short by the death of his father when Sam was only fifteen. Once again he was set adrift, and his life of crime continued to develop.
Because of Sam's insecurity in childhood, his schoolwork suffered accordingly. Although he had a brilliant mind, he never satisfactorily completed a single grade in school. Always he was passed on to the next grade even though he had not applied himself to his lessons. When he reached the sixth grade his formal schooling came to an end. This limited schooling showed up in his spelling and occasional grammatical errors.
Sam's criminal life began at the age of ten or eleven, when he had his first brush with the law. It was felt at that time that this incident was not very important, and no one was too concerned about it. It was agreed that surely he would outgrow any antisocial tendencies that were then displayed. As a result, nothing was done to guide him along better lines. He was given no moral training and never stepped foot inside a church in all his life.
Pages 7-8.
Let's go back and take a look at what we have learned about Sam so far.
Supposedly, Sam's first five years were wonderful, and he was cared for by loving parents. Considering the fact that a divorce occurred between his parents when he was five, there had to have been tension in his home—tension that was profound, obvious, and experienced by the child. You might ask, does a child really comprehend and feel this tension? The answer is a shocking YES. We know that children are very sensitive, some even more so than others. Their young behaviors demonstrate what is going on in the home. Excessive crying, a tendency to be frequently angry, throwing toys around, and even attempting to bite, slap, or kick their parents are all signs of stress.
In an article by Dr. Bruce D. Perry, a child psychiatrist who founded the Child Trauma Academy in 1990, he states:
Studies of childhood abuse and neglect have important lessons for considerations of nature and nurture. While each child has unique genetic potentials, both human and animal studies point to important needs that every child has, and severe long-term consequences for brain function if those needs are not met. The effects of the childhood environment, favorable or unfavorable, interact with all the processes of neurodevelopment.
Abuse studies from the author's laboratory, studies of children in orphanages who lacked emotional contact, and a large number of animal deprivation and enrichment studies point to the need for children and young nonhuman mammals to have both stable emotional attachments with and touch from primary adult caregivers, and spontaneous interactions with peers. If these connections are lacking, brain development both of caring behavior and cognitive capacities is damaged in a lasting fashion [regardless of the reasons for deprivation].
"Childhood Experience and the Expression of Genetic Potential: What Childhood Neglect Tells Us About Nature and Nurture."
In Dr. Perry's book The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, he states:
Traumatized children tend to have overactive stress responses and . . . these can make them aggressive, impulsive and needy. These children are difficult, they are easy to upset and hard to calm, they may overreact to the slightest novelty or change and they often don't know how to think before they act. Before they can make any kind of lasting change at all in their behavior, they need to feel safe and loved.
It appears, therefore, that from a very early age, both psychological and physiological damage can occur from abuse, neglect, or extended illness on the part of parent or child—illness that causes separation. Remember that even a difficult birth has its consequences.
Let's ask these questions:
Where was Sam's father after the divorce? Nothing is said of his father until the boy was an early teenager, and certainly by that point the absence of a father figure had already warped or distorted his thinking. His model for manhood had disappeared at age five and was replaced with various other negative models until he got his father back years later. What did he learn from other father figures? It would appear that what he learned encouraged him down the path of early criminal behaviors. The damage had already been done to this boy, such that only a personal understanding of his beginnings and a willingness to look at them and to forgive the perpetrators would begin the process of self-understanding and change.
Dr. Perry states in his book Born to Love:
. . . I have found that there are complex interactions beginning in early childhood that affect our ability to envision choices and that may later limit our ability to make the best decisions.
You will see the truth of Dr. Perry's statement as Sam's story continues.
Where was Sam's mother after the divorce? Did you notice that nothing is said of her at all? While a boy's father is important as a model for manhood, his mother is necessary for the tender love and affection that eventually he should look for in the woman he marries. It is definitely true that a mother is primary in a boy's young life as a compassionate, concerned caregiver. If she just disappeared after the divorce, poor Sam was left wondering what he did so wrong that Mom would abandon him. Dad's work should have been that of provider, protector and priest, and he abdicated that role until the boy was a teen.
During the years after his parents' divorce, Sam was bounced around from one home to another, and in each place he lived he suffered. Sam endured eight lost years without either parent, years filled with abuse, mistreatment, and more abandonment. Those essential years of character formation and elementary education were years of absolute torture and self-punishment. He was dumbed down by the abuse he received in his multiple foster homes, and he sabotaged his own educational success because of it.
When there is no security, no consistency in a child's experience, he flounders like a ship on the sea without a compass and no land in sight. His reference points are missing, his goals are non-existent, as he wanders from day to day in an attempt to find a safe harbor.
Does it sound like we are making excuses for his behaviors here? Remember, excuses are cover-ups, and what we are doing is exposing the real truth about Sam's beginnings. We are giving reasons for the devastation of his subsequent years.
In Dr. Perry's