you.
Never my love,
Never my love…’
“Ok,” Michael finally spoke.
“Dance now, talk later.”
Without waiting for my reply, he pulled me to my feet and walked me to the open area by the rail of his balcony.
Dancing to that song all those years ago hadn’t consisted of much more than two bodies rocking back and forth to the rhythm of the music. I was wondering if the dance for that particular song had changed much; he pulled me close into a tight dance hold.
‘Well, ok, whatever.’ I was thinking as my instinct took over.
He took the lead quite masterfully. I was impressed and I pretty much didn’t care at that point what the dance was supposed to be, only the physical was in my radar, the enjoyment of the partnership, the thrill of knowing what your partner wanted at every step, the timing of when to respond. We could all look beyond the barely shielded reactions and see the attraction, the taboo that was being tampered with. Again, I tried to be invisible.
‘God forgive me’, I prayed as I remembered my own promise. You remember, I was supposed to seize the moment and live in it. Shame on me. But God, I’m only human, a human who had not been touched or held in a very long time. How long had it been, really? I can explain that all of that interest was a need rather than a desire. The need for human contact is not an alien thought… Are you kidding? I chided myself again. ‘For heaven sake you are dancing, it’s a gift; get into it.’
That was good advice. I examined what was happening. Our bodies permitted no space in between that might allow a disconnect. We were partners with a common goal, a goal to sway with the music and feel what that meant within all aspects of our separate beings and of course, within our partnership.
‘You wonder if
This heart of mine will lose its desire for you.
Never my love (never my love),
Never my love…’
I felt his chin on my head and I felt his breath in my hair. He inhaled the scent of me, a long deep draw through his nose, taking in as much as his lungs would hold. Interesting, I thought. That was another observation I tucked away just incase there’s ever a need to revisit that moment.
We continued to sway; I was involved but there wasn’t really much effort to it, none required really. I just followed his lead; I didn’t want to turn inward for fear that I would miss something. Feeling everything at the same time was nearly impossible but I worked to capture the bulk of the images from that experience so that I could recall them later.
‘Now how can you think love will end,
When I’ve asked you to spend your whole life
With me (with me).
I’ll leave you never my love.
Oh, believe me, baby.
I want you forever and ever my love.
When the song ended, we just stood like statues, waiting for what ever tune came next. As we waited the few seconds, Michael adjusted his hold on me but didn’t let go. Instead he brought me even closer. Maybe he already knew what the next selection was, I supposed.
Elvin Bishop’s “Fooled Around and Fell in Love,” began its slow rise. That song afforded us the opportunity to continue without much effort, energy, or dance skills. We needed nothing but to adhere to that slow, easy and corporeal pulse. Simultaneously, and naturally we pulled our hands in close to our one body. The movement seemed to give weight and stability to our partnership; remaining flexible and ready to follow his lead was not a problem. But, honestly, his lead wasn’t going anywhere ambitious; of that much I was fully aware.
‘I must have been through about a million girls
I’d love ‘em then I’d leave ‘em alone
I didn’t care how much they cried, no sir
Their tears left me cold as a stone
But then I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love, yes I did
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love…’
I found myself leaning on Michael, at first it was to get closer to him as I felt the music take me away; but then the reason for my breach in dancing etiquette was more due to necessity than passion.
‘It used to be when I’d see a girl that I liked
I’d get out my book and write down her name
Ah, but when the, the grass got a little greener over on the other side
I’d just tear out that page
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love, since I met you baby
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love…’
I rested my head on his chest and his shoulder. It felt nice. I closed my eyes and completely relaxed as the guitar solo took me away into a half-dream state. My head was too heavy to hold up without assistance, but it still took me a minute or two to understand that I was asleep on my feet. I didn’t want Michael to see how exhausted I was. Why? That was a “no-brainer;” I didn’t want to stop dancing. When would I ever have special moments like that again? When would I ever dance with Michael again?
‘Free, on my own is the way I used to be
Ah, but since I met you baby, love’s got a hold on me
It’s got a hold on me now
I can’t let go of you baby
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love, oh yes I did…’
With my head on his chest and so near his lungs and heart, I heard a sound that brought me out of my conscience slumber, awake and fully alert. I concentrated on listening to his vitals. I could feel his heart and hear his breathing and I could hear his heart and feel his breathing. His whole body was in line and on the same rhythm as the music. Still, that was not the sound that sobered me instantly. I sank completely into his tempo, the tempo of the tune, slow and sensual; then, I heard it again. I identified the sound in a heart beat; he was snoring.
Well of course, he had to be at least as tired and I was, even more so because he suffered that bump on his head and was unconscious for a time. I wasn’t very concerned; after all, I saw him catch a few zees on my balcony that very afternoon.
We were close enough to the CD player, so I reached over and around Michael to adjust the volume and created some very quiet back ground music.
The dance was over but we were still in our partnership position standing perfectly still for close to a minute, maybe longer. Then we both drew in a deep cleansing breath and heaved a giant sigh, a sigh filled with satisfaction, regret, and maybe a touch of longing. The day had come to a close.
We cleaned up automatically, like robots; but, the chore was completed in no time at all. We stacked two large trays filled with everything from dinner and set them outside his stateroom door. He walked me to the skinny door, gave me a full body hug and kissed my neck.
“You smell so good, he whispered in my ear. Good night.”
The slider to my cabin was ajar, just as I’d left it. In five minutes I was in my favorite silk pajamas with my blanket; I crawled into bed. I was just about unconscious when the small light on the telephone was caught in my mind’s eye. It was blinking and allerted me to a message.
“Denice,” I whispered; fear shot through me like an adrenaline rush.
I leapt out of bed in the direction of the light,