charged a minimum fee ($30-$35) for the entire seven sessions, and offered scholarships for those who could not afford the fee. Once money is invested participants are more likely to attend each session, and we emphasize how vital this is because our workshops build upon each of the previous sessions. They were advised that if they were going to be unable to attend any session, we would provide them with a tape recording of that session so that they would not fall too far behind the other participants in this program. That recording would include only the input from the leaders but would exclude all the comments by the people attending.
OUR SCHEDULE
Session One — “Does Anyone Know Or Care How I Feel?”
Session Two — “How To Cope With Your Ex-Spouse”
Session Three — “Forgiveness … Finding A New Start In Life”
Session Four — “How To Assume Responsibility … For Yourself, Your Children, and Your Future”
Session Five — ” What Do I Do With All That Money I Don’t Have Anymore?”
Session Six — ” Hey, God! What Do I Do About Sex?”
Session Seven — ” To Live and Love Again”
We note from the beginning: In consideration of all participants, things that are revealed in confidence here among us are agreed to remain confidential. We want to develop a sense of mutual trust and confidence in this group. Your understanding and agreement is essential to the success of this workshop.
We began each session at 7:15 P.M. with Coffee and an Informal Get-Together.
At 7:25 P.M. we had what we called SHOW-AND-TELL-TIME which offered participants the opportunity to report on the progress they had made toward the goals they had set for themselves the previous week. Those who set goals and achieved some progress usually were anxious to share where they had come from. Those who failed to set goals for themselves or were unable to see much personal progress were usually reluctant to participate in this discussion. We emphasized strongly the importance of setting personal goals for themselves each week.
At 7:35 P.M. we delivered what was called THE KEYNOTE ADDRESS. In subsequent chapters you will discover the text of some of those Keynote Addresses.
At 8:00 P.M. we opened the class for GROUP DISCUSSIONS AND EXERCISES led by my wife (LaDonna). A list of questions was offered each evening in which we encouraged the class to respond and discuss. Some of those will be seen in later chapters.
At 8:45 P.M. we had what was termed THE POST-GAME SHOW in which participants were encouraged to get separated with other participants and share their personal lives with each other. We discovered that as time went on many of them would arrange to meet with other classmates at restaurants during the week to share more and develop close friendships. We made ourselves available during the Post-Game Show to counsel individually with those who felt the need to do so, and we remained until the last person was gone.
Session One — “Does Anyone Know Or Care How I Feel?”
Many people who suffer the hurt of divorce feel that no one ever hurt as badly as they do. They wonder if anybody knows or cares how much the trauma of divorce brings them pain. So my first Key-Note address was this:
Does anyone know or care how I feel?
That question is intended to be a ‘grabber.’ It is designed to capture your attention and gain your ear. BUT IT IS A SERIOUS QUESTION because I know that many of you are here this evening experiencing some very deep and wrenching emotions. Some of you are probably thinking, ‘NOBODY ELSE EVER HAD IT AS BAD AS I HAVE IT. NOBODY EVER FELT LIKE I FEEL RIGHT NOW. NOBODY COULD EVER BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH!’
And if you care to stretch that a little farther, you might even push it to the point where you are saying (or thinking), ‘WHAT CAN THAT HAPPILY MARRIED MAN UNDERSTAND OR KNOW ABOUT LIFE THAT WOULD GIVE HIM THE AUDACITY TO GET UP THERE AND TALK TO ME ABOUT GROWING THROUGH DIVORCE?’ That’s all right. See … I already know how some of you feel … and that should be a comfort to you and not a threat.
One of my good friends is a Catholic priest. He told me that once he was asked how he could stand up in front of his parishioners and give them advice about family-planning, birth control, and raising children when he had never had any first-hand experience in any of those areas. (That was a good question … don’t you think!) But he had a better answer. He responded, ‘DOES A VETERINARIAN HAVE TO BE A HORSE TO TREAT A SICK ANIMAL?’
The truth of the matter is that people can and do care how you feel if they find it in their hearts to take the time to listen. I first awoke to what it is like to be single and divorced when I attended a seminar at Bob Schuller’s Garden Grove Community Church in Garden Grove, California. I was sent there by my District Superintendent with the instructions, “He certainly is doing some things right. Go out there and find out what it is, report back to me and I will help you out with your expenses.” I attended the Successful Church Leaders Conference for several days.
Then I learned that immediately upon the heels of this conference was to follow a conference on Single Adult Ministries. Jim Smoke was the minister of Single Adult Ministries in that church. More than 1200 people were single adult members of that congregation. Since I had spent all that money to get out there, I decided to stay a few days more and take in this conference as well. For three days I listened to broken-hearted, beautiful, sensitive people as they poured out their bleeding guts about how it feels to go through the trauma of divorce. Those three days radically changed my life and my ministry.
I came home to talk in depth with some of my best friends … a minister, a lawyer, a house wife, an office worker, a business man … all of whom had gone through the trauma of divorce. I discovered 82 single adults in my congregation at that time. And we as a congregation were saying (in essence), “This is a family church and you are welcome here. But just sit back over there in the corner and don’t make a whole lot of noise.”
One of my single adult friends was a lawyer who had seen three marriages explode in his face. He is a good United Methodist who enjoys an occasional drink in some of the local pubs, so I figured he would be an excellent guide to some of the singles bars in the area. I decided I would let him take me bar-hopping one night just so that I might sit down over a coke and talk with some of those lonely people to discover what life was like as they were now experiencing it. The night before we were scheduled to go together, my friend was taken to I.U. Med Center for back surgery, and my bar-hopping days came to an abrupt end before they ever got started. I don’t know if the Lord was trying to tell me something important in that or not. I did not get to go!
But I have tried my dead level best to understand what people in your shoes are experiencing. I have done considerable research making this the new focus of my specialty in ministry. My wife and I have worked with several hundred people just like you who were struggling through divorce. And even though I have been married to this neat lady here for more than 50 years, WE HAVE NEVER ONCE THOUGHT ABOUT DIVORCE … (LENGTHY PAUSE WAITING FOR THEIR NEGATIVE REACTION) … NEVER ONCE THOUGHT ABOUT DIVORCING EACH OTHER …MURDER EIGHT TIMES, BUT NEVER DIVORCE! (They finally smile and we go on.)
We come this evening with a wealth of experience because other good people just like you have given us the privilege of walking down the private corridors of their own minds and hearts, and they have shared with us how it feels to be single and hurting.
So let me share with you what I see as the purpose and goal of our being here together tonight and for the next six weeks. If any of you are here expecting to get a good pistol-whipping with the Bible, I am afraid you may go away disappointed. If any of you need to have an overworked sense of guilt reinforced in you, you will probably have to look elsewhere.
LaDonna and I would like to share with you some information we believe will be helpful in making it possible for you to GROW THROUGH DIVORCE rather than simply to GO THROUGH DIVORCE. In the process of our sharing