for me.
Tiny wrists, skinny thighs.
Like the pictures I see online,
All those things I want on me.
"A water please,"
"I don't drink non-diet"
Only calorie-free drinks for me.
A bag of candies,
Some chocolate bars,
In a box under my bed stashed away from me.
Pleated skirts, printed tee shirts
Patterned tights, skinny jeans
None of those things fit me.
Diet pills, measuring tapes
Only green tea, please,
Only a skinny legend is good enough for me.
So Cold
They jest at me, their words are knives
Meant to cut me, to tear my skin
And leave me barren, bleeding out.
But their blades are dull, they stab at me
With Easy Bake spoons and melted plastic
Nothing but minor inconvenience.
Being unaffected by harmful words
Should be considered a virtue,
A victory against wasted energy.
But instead of taking a victory
I sharpen their melted plastic spoons
And stab them back, painting on my smile with their blood.
Your words don't hurt me,
My words will always hurt you.
I've bathed my tongue in acid, just for you.
He called me cold, he called me distant.
He called me heartless, he called me apathetic.
They all thought that he was wrong...
But he was the only one who was right about me.
I am so cold, so heartless,
So distant and apathetic
That I don't care if you shed a tear.
Why should I?
They hurt me, I'll hurt them back.
No one will ever break through this armour.
An impenetrable fortress in which I am sealed,
A comforting home in a world I'm lost in.
A place where I am safe.
From you, from your words.
From them, from their eyes.
From myself, from my venom-saturated tongue.
From the truly vile woman I can become.
Hungry
The first time I went hungry, I realized
Not that it made me feel pretty.
Not that it made me feel strong.
Not that it made me feel like the ethereal
Flawless,
Perfect,
Charming
Young woman I'd seen promised to me.
No, first time I went hungry, I realized
That it made me feel like for once
In and among the disaster I lived
I was in control.
I was the conductor of my own destruction.
And that's why I became addicted.
I became addicted to being the master of my own demise.
I became addicted to being the only person who decided what went into my body.
I became addicted to the power over others
I became addicted to the power over myself.
Inside me grew an unending greed
An undying need to succeed
Watch me wither, disappear
Call me a control freak, I wear it with pride
Call me evil, I shall oblige
Call me a bitch, I will not cry
Call me a lapdog, not a lash I'll bat
Call me selfish, I will laugh
Your words don't phase me, I've run cold
Going hungry made me bold.
A fallen angel, my soul is old.
Let me be, alone and hungry
I ask nothing from you,
only from myself;
Control over every aspect of me.
Skinny
Mirror, mirror
on my wall
The reflection that you show me
Grotesque and inhuman, not beautiful at all.
Choking me, you're starving me.
You bruise my skin,
You break my heart and pluck its strings
Willpower keeps me pure, food is a sin
All across your surface
I only read one word
Printed across like pen in ink
It cuts into me just like a sword
Skinny, skinny
All across
Thin like a feather,
Flying through the air, an albatross
So light I walk atop the snow
So fragile not a single footprint in my wake
The hungry clouds my head
Every step I take my bones, they ache.
The fat girl in this mirror
She knows nothing of my plight
Yet still she lays down on the floor
Bawling there in a room with no light.
She cries and cries,
Her skin bruised blue and black
Spine aching on the hardwood floor
She cuts herself no slack.
Hard work for nothing
She's all alone, no one sees no one cares
She won't change, no one worries
Buying new jeans, half a dozen pairs.
Elation from starvation,
All she feels anymore,
Exhaustion always setting in at night
Picking up on its bedtime war
Mirror, oh mirror,
On the wall,
She