ALWAYS IS FOREVER. Margaret Hawley

only smaller. I will keep it always, and I’ll love wearing both this bracelet and the gold football. Thank you, Brian. These gifts and you make this Christmas the best Christmas ever. I love you so much. You mean the world to me. I didn’t know feelings like these existed six months ago. Knowing you has changed me from a child to a woman. I know I’m not the age o a woman, but I have feelings of one. No one could feel any more love than I do for you.”

      “I hope we can be married someday, Marcie. I’d love to give you an engagement ring sometime when we’re down by the river and there is a full moon. I know you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, even if I am only fifteen.”

      “Oh, Brian, it scares me to think how far away our getting married will be. We have to finish high school and college. Can we possibly get through that long wait? I am so afraid something will happen. ‘ve been thinking about this a lot.” Then lowering my head, I muttered softly, “Another thing that worries me more and more is our limited lovemaking. How can we keep it under control all those years? What are we going to do about it, Brian? I love being close to you, but we both want more.”

      “I wish you would quit fighting it so hard, Marcie.”

      “I wish I could, but I can’t overcome my fears. Even when we are the closest, the fear is always lurking beneath the surface.”

      “We will find a way, Honey. For now let’s just enjoy each other and what we have together,” Brian said, taking me into his arms and kissing me tenderly. After a few minutes snuggling together by the Christmas tree, with the glow of the lights reflecting the glow of our love, Brian stood and pulled me up beside him.

      “I have to go home now, Sweetie. My family is waiting for me so we can open gifts. Your family wants you with them, too. I’ll call you tomorrow. Merry Chiasmas again. I love you.”

      I stood at the door staring up the street for a long time after Brian left, troubled thoughts swirling around in my head. He said not to worry, but I can’t help myself. The longings between us are becoming stronger. I know Brian usually has gotten what he wanted all of his life. How long will he be content with my refusals, my excuses? What am I going to do?

      Not only was I afraid of pregnancy, but also I struggled constantly with my conscience. My parochial school training had instilled in me a strong fear of wrongdoing. I was struggling with the conflict of morals and love that had plagued every generation before me. There was no easy answer.

      #

      The day before New Years Eve Brian called to ask me if I would like to go to a movie on New Years Eve. We would double date with Brian’s friend, Ken, who had a car, and his date. Of course I did, and, as usual, counted the minutes until we were together. So that I would look my best as Brian and I greeted the New Year together, I took special care dressing, as I looked forward to my first New Years Eve with someone besides my family. Brian had made such an impact on my life. I thought about the feelings and sensations that occur inside me whenever I see him, or even when the thought of him enters my mind, which is most of the time. Whenever I am with him I have a burning sensation in my chest and a strange taste in my mouth. The songs say people hear bells rings and birds sing when they are in love. I guess I react a little differently than what the songs say, but I am in love, nonetheless.

      Brian arrived, and we rode in the back seat of the car. I nestled close to him as Ken drove to the movie theater. In the movie Brian put his arm around me and took my hand gently in his. I rested my head on his shoulder, and when our bodies touched, we felt that unfulfilled longing, so intense it was almost unbearable. We could hardly concentrate on the movie and were happy to see it end.

      The cold night air chilled us as we raced toward the car. Once inside we snuggled up close to get warm. As Ken started the car and headed toward a country road, Brian said, “Ken, I think I’ll have you take us to Marcie’s house. I’d like to be alone with Marcie at midnight. Do you mind?”

      “No, that’s okay with me, Brian. You two sure have something heavy going there.”

      Jumping from the car, we hurried inside. We had hardly gotten off our coats until we were in each other’s arms. Suddenly, a shudder ran through my body.

      “What’s the matter, Marcie? Are you cold?”

      I looked at Brian. Tears filled my eyes.

      “Oh, Brian, I love you so much it hurts.” I shuddered again, and this time I had an eerie and frightening premonition. I looked at Brian again and then hugged him tightly. I won’t be with Brian next New Years Eve, I cried silently. He won’t be mine forever; I can feel it. Oh, I don’t want that to be true. But it will be true; I can sense it so strongly. What will I do; how can I live without him?

      “Tell me what’s wrong, Honey? Why are you crying?”

      “They are tears of joy because I love you so much, Brian.” I was not being truthful, but I could not tell him what I feared. It was too horrible to put into words.

      Brian kissed me as the clock struck twelve. “Happy New Year, My Darling,” Brian whispered in my. “You will always be My Darling.”

      My heart felt like it would break. I will not always be his darling. How did I know this? Where did this eerie feeling come from, the knowledge that heartache lay ahead?

      We held each other, never wanting the night to end. But it did end, as Brian looked at his watch that read one o’clock.

      “I must go, Marcie. I enjoyed our New Years Eve together, and we will have many more.” He gave me a long good night kiss, as though he did not want to let me go. “I’m glad your tears have dried. It hurts me to see you cry.”

      My tears may have dried, I thought, but my heart is filled with dread.