with one arm and pull up with the other. I can make it. I tell myself again how to run, counting my steps—one two, one two, one two.
A spark of light. A loud pop.
Nothin.
My last thought is to not fall on my baby.
RAY THROWS UP his skinny arms like he won something, stepping right through me, making me see what’s left of me—a hazy mist of what was—arms and legs, a face, body shaped like mine.
Am I dead?
“Murderin’ bitch sure as hell weren’t gon’ get me, too.” He marches ahead with his smoking gun at his side.
Where’s my baby?
“Bobby Lee!” he yell. “Where the hell you at?”
Growling dogs echo from all around us. He stops and squishes his eyes together, trying to see through the dark, wipes his meaty hands down the front of his stained shirt. A jagged piece of fingernail, packed black with food, catches on his clothes. He bite the nail and spit it.
He sets his gun on the ground, tilts it between his knees, cups his hands on the sides of his mouth, “Bobby Lee!”
Bobby Lee’s voice races through the darkness, desperate. “Call off the dogs! Call off the damn dogs!”
“Where you at?” Ray say, snatching up his rifle.
I see them dogs tugging her from my body, trying to rip her from under my arm, but I helt her tight. Made sure of it before I went.
For the first time, she cry.
Her voice is so beautiful but so scared. It anchors inside me.
Bobby Lee dives on that dog, hammers his fists down on it, shaking my baby free.
“What the hell you doing, Bobby Lee! Set that nigger baby down and let the dogs get a go.”
Bobby Lee pulls his knife, cuts my baby’s cord and ties it up. “It’s alive!”
“And we don’t need it growing up like the momma,” Ray say. “Murdering white peoples. Bounty’s same, dead or alive.” He calls out into the woods, “Hen-ray! Get your pasty-white ass out here and help me. Your cousin done lost his mind.”
Henry comes falling through the tree line and stands next to me, fat and out of breath and smacking on a nasty pine needle. The slobber on it’s dried sticky and white and his sick breath rises from it, turning clean pine to outhouse shit. He doubles over his lap with his hands on his knees, catching his breath. “Bitch must be part Indian or some shit,” he say.
“No match for no pure-blooded Virginian!” Ray say, flinging his rifle hand above his head.
They so proud of what they done to me.
Henry say, “What her name was again?”
“Reba or some shit like that,” Ray say. “Just another of Cynthia’s whores.”
Naomi. My name’s Naomi.
“Bobby Lee, I thought you’d be happier than a two-peckered billy goat,” Henry say.
“That’s what I’m tryin to tell you, Cousin. He done lost his mind,” Ray say. “Bobby Lee, let Henry wrap the body and give the dogs their reward.”
But Bobby Lee don’t listen. He carries her strides away to a nearby bush where the moonlight is.
He drags his shirt off and over his head one-handed, switching my baby back and forth from arm to arm as he do. He wraps his shirt around her, whispers, “You all better now. You gon’ be all right.” With his muddy hands, he wipes away the blood and white mess from her face, says to himself, It’s a girl.
At the crunch of Ray’s steps, Bobby Lee puts his hand beside his own gun. Laughter, bursting from Henry, sends Ray back to my body to go see what the fuss is. When he get to it, he see Henry hovering over them dogs eating the afterbirth from ’tween my legs.
“You like that, nigger?” Henry say. “I’m sure you used ta having dogs in yer privates.”
I don’t care he laugh at me, though. I only care that Bobby Lee don’t leave my baby. He lay her on a bush, rewrap her in his shirt as Ray come back his way. Bobby Lee says over his shoulder, “She got blonde hair.”
“Still a nigger,” Ray say and fires his pistol at my baby. Almost hit her this time.
Bobby Lee yells at him. “What the hell you doin, Ray?”
“That ain’t your baby, Bobby Lee,” Ray say. “Yours is dead. Two years now. So let that nigra one go.”
But Bobby Lee don’t. His breaths are slow and long, and the air stutters out his nose. In a raspy voice, he say, “I know it ain’t mine. I heard some slave traders down in Tallassee was looking for negro babies, is all. They just a quarter-mile up the road. Might be worth something. They buy and sell all time of night.”
“How much you think they give us for it?” Ray say.
“Least fifty. You and Henry gon’ wrap up that mother. Get our reward for her. I’ll go see about this one.”
“Ah, naw! I’m goin wit you,” Henry say. “You trying to keep the money all to yourself. We posed to split everything. Bitch and baby.”
“Take Henry,” Ray say to Bobby Lee. “I don’t like the way you been cuddling up to that thang.”
“I don’t need him slowing me down. He mess around and make it die before we get our money.” When Bobby Lee march off, Ray grabs him, holds him still, but Bobby Lee say, “We family, Ray. You know I wouldn’t cheat you.”
Ray lets go. “Come on, Henry. Help me wrap up this whore. And Bobby Lee, you don’t ’cept less than forty-five.”
“I want forty-five, too,” Henry say.
“We cain’t all get forty-five,” Ray say. “Math don’t work that way.”
BOBBY LEE DIDN’T get back ’til nearly four hours later.
Ray and Henry were already ’sleep, crouched on the side of the road next to my body. Ray wake up, yelling, “What the hell took you so long?”
“Couldn’t find nowhere to sell that baby,” Bobby Lee say. “So I tossed it in a field. Coons and critters will have her by morning.”
“You throwed the baby out!” Ray say.
“I knew it!” Henry say. “You just trying to keep the money.”
“Show me where you left the baby then,” Ray say.
“I said it’s dead and I ain’t got the money. Check my pockets. Go’n check ’um. See, nothin.”
“Aw, y’all,” Henry say. “We shoulda let the dogs get a go.”
It was the first time a man lied for me. It was the familiar ring of lifesaving untruth. A death rattle that has followed me all my life. And it was the sound that plunged me into the flashes.
Faunsdale, Alabama, 1838
THE KNOCKIN’S ALWAYS there behind the wall in Momma’s room. I call it Momma’s music. My sister Hazel calls it Momma’s tired tune, a shrill note sucked and blown from a stiff reed.
Hazel’s the closest thing I got to a good daddy so she never beat me for misbehaving, never leaves me long, and never tries to touch me the wrong way. She keeps me safe in this world, keeps me safe from the knockin.
We