her. If she were different and acting the way I want her to, then I wouldn’t feel bad. It’s her fault.”
“Why can’t a woman be more like a man,” Professor Higgins cried. And we echo him: “Why can’t you be more like me?” Of course, we are usually too sophisticated to admit this is what we want, so we hide our intentions behind our thoughts. We think our spouses, children, bosses, or whoever “ought” to be a certain way. Often we say, “You should” or “You ought to,” but what we really mean is “I want you to.” For example, when Betta says to Stefan, “You should talk to me more,” she is disguising her anxiety about their differences. What is really at stake is that she likes conversation and Stefan doesn’t. If she were not anxious about the difference, Betta could say, “I would like you to talk with me.” That would be an honest expression of what she wants. Or Stefan might say to Betta, “I’d like some time to be quiet,” rather than, “You talk too much.”
These dynamics are not restricted to marriage of course. They are present in every relationship where there are differences (which is just about every relationship) and at least one of the people grows anxious about the differences. Parents and children, friends, coworkers, ethnic groups (where differences can be more visible), labor/management, liberals/conservatives, and nations all have to live with differences.
QUESTIONS
1. What were some of the major differences in your family of origin? How did people in the family handle these differences? Did some people handle particular differences better than others?
2. What are some of the major differences between you and your partner? How do you handle differences? In what ways are you trying to get your partner to change? In what ways is your partner trying to get you to change? How do you react?
2. Do It My Way Or Else — The Demand For Sameness
As mentioned, when one person in a relationship is anxious about differences, he or she usually tries to get the other person to change. Betta tries to get Stefan to be a talker like she is and Stefan tries to get Betta to be a loner like he is. The pressure is on for more sameness. However, it’s not easy to change someone else, as those who have been trying for 50 years will testify. Usually, those being asked (ordered) to change respond in one of four basic ways. They will —
(a) comply,
(b) rebel,
(c) attack, or
(d) cut off.
These four ways of reacting are discussed in detail below. You may recognize some or possibly all of these tactics as having been used in your family. You may even recognize some you have used yourself. Most of us use them all at one time or another depending on the circumstances, but we usually have a favorite.
Whether you are the changer or the changee, it is important to realize that these strategies are common ways of reacting when there is a demand for change. They do not happen in isolation. No one person is the good guy or the bad guy; we are all simply attempting to cope with our anxiety about differences and the threats to our need for closeness or distance in the family. In this discussion about these strategies, the focus tends to be on spouses, but the same things happen in other relationships, intimate or casual.
2.1 “I only want what you want, dear” — The compliant ones
The compliant ones react to a demand for sameness by pretending there really are no differences. This is seen most commonly in marriages where the couple presents a united front to the world; even their own kids don’t know what they really feel. They avoid conflict because it emphasizes differences; togetherness is their ideal. These people may be more or less aware of their needs for separateness and difference but they think these needs are wrong and destructive to the relationship, so they ignore them. These couples appear to have a good marriage because they never fight. However, they often find other ways to assert themselves. The bedtime headache-to-avoid-sex cliché‚ is just one example of the power of a compliant wife. She is able to deny to herself and to him that there is any conflict between them, while maintaining her separateness by claiming to be, or being, ill.
Example
Amanda and Abe took their 16-year-old daughter, Polly, to a therapist saying she had become “sexually promiscuous.” They denied having any problem in their marriage and said they were very happy with each other. When asked how they talk with Polly about sex and sexual feelings, they said they didn’t talk with her except to give prohibitions. When asked how they talk with each other about sex, they admitted that they didn’t, and that in fact they hadn’t had any sexual contact for a long time. Amanda said that she had never enjoyed sex. Abe said he had gotten this message from her and refrained from pursuing her sexually or even talking about it. He complied with her wish, and the anxiety about sex in the relationship was displaced onto the daughter whose symptoms pointed to where the problem was in the marriage.
Whatever form it takes, the basic need for compliant ones is “peace at any price.” They fear conflict and, especially, the separateness that this conflict would seem to indicate. It may appear that just one of the partners avoids conflict, but actually both have trouble with it and together, covertly and unconsciously, they use this approach to cope with their anxiety. Both fail to fully explore the other’s beliefs, principles, thoughts, and feelings about an issue. Instead, they deny the differences and never really get to know themselves or each other very well. They remain unaware of the advantages their differences may bring to problem solving.
Remember, the compliant one is not necessarily without power. There is a great deal of power in being the apparently powerless underdog, in being the one who sacrifices self for others and says, “Don’t bother about me, you go ahead and do what you want.”
The underdogs have a talent for being able to create guilt in others, and they usually know how to use it well. There is usually some kind of “trade-off” for the underdog. Unconsciously the underdog thinks: “Okay, I’ll give in and go along on this and this and this, but you sure better come across later on that.” If you don’t come across, the underdog may risk the conflict by crying, “I did this and this and this for you and you won’t even do that for me!” Even if it doesn’t work this time, the underdog has added to your burden of guilt for next time.
One of the ways compliant ones deal with the lack of intimacy is to become very involved in something outside the marriage relationship. It could be in church or community activities, in an aging parent, in a hobby, or in a job. Many compliant mothers become overly involved with their children, which is usually damaging to both mother and child. Many children whose parents operate in a compliant manner with each other have difficulty later taking responsibility for themselves because the over-invested parent did everything for them. By being so involved with the children, the parents are able to avoid looking at and dealing with their own differences and needs for closeness or distance.
Compliant people are often the ones who become physically or emotionally ill. Their struggle to cope with differences might manifest itself in frequent headaches or back problems, a mild depression, alcoholism, an inability to hold a job, cancer, heart problems, or severe emotional disturbances that require institutionalization.
Example
Roberto had been an alcoholic for eight years. In his sober state, he couldn’t stand up for himself in his marriage. He was compliant with his wife the way he had been with his authoritarian mother. However, all that changed when he was drunk. Then he was full of rage and said things to his family that, everyone agreed, he wouldn’t say and couldn’t really mean when sober. As he learned to speak up for himself in the relationship and be more assertive, his drinking decreased dramatically.
QUESTIONS
1. Who used compliance in your family of origin? In what covert ways was the compliant one powerful? What were some of the trade-offs?
2. Are there ways today that you choose to