to many people reading this book. The sandwich generation refers to people, usually in their 40s or 50s, who have children at home to look after as well as aging parents to look after. They are “sandwiched” between the twin responsibilities of looking after children and looking after parents. They also have jobs and homes, marriages and social lives to look after. Part of being in that position is always being busy and having too many demands on their time.
A person in this situation will often say that he or she does not have time to review current documents, find a lawyer, have a meeting with the lawyer, look at draft documents, and then see the lawyer again to sign the will. He or she will say that there is no time to look for documents and gather statements. Sometimes people put off the planning until some undetermined future time when they believe they will be less busy, not realizing, or perhaps not caring, that with this approach, that future time will never arrive.
The trick to fitting extra activities into an already busy life is scheduling. We all manage to fit in the annual vacation, birthdays, time off for illness, dental appointments, etc., even though each of those things is not part of our regular day. If those things can be slotted in, so can estate planning. There is nothing wrong with making an appointment with a lawyer weeks in advance, as long as you have a reliable system of keeping track of appointments so that you do not forget about it.
Another idea for fitting estate planning into a busy schedule is to break down a large project into smaller, bite-size pieces to avoid the feeling of being overwhelmed. This is one of the reasons some people like to write lists before beginning a task; it helps them feel in control of the task. You just need to accomplish one small, first step in order to feel that you have made a start and that the project is not so intimidating.
Instead of thinking “I must get my estate planning done,” break it down. Start with one of the following suggestions (tailored to your situation, of course):
• “I’ll ask around at work to see if anyone can recommend a good wills lawyer.”
• “I’ll ask my friend, Rob, which lawyer did his will for him.”
• “I’ll get my old will out of the safe deposit box, dust it off, and read it to remind myself of what I did last time.”
• “I’ll collect all of my bank statements, investment statements, and the deed to my house so that I know which assets I’m dealing with.”
• “I’ll make a list of my spouse and children’s full names and birth dates to get ready for an appointment with the lawyer.”
• “I’ll read my shareholders’ agreement for my business to see what it says about my share of the business on my passing away.”
• “I’ll call the lawyer and make an appointment.”
It is probably a good idea to write down the steps you plan to take in a list so that you can check off each one as you do it.
If you are a busy person, understand that you might not get your estate planning done in as brief a time as someone else might. That is a fact of your life, and is perfectly acceptable as long as the process is begun and eventually finished. Allow yourself reasonable time so that you do not feel pressured.
6. Not Wanting to Give up Control
The question of giving up control shows up more in incapacity planning than it does in will planning, though people do worry about it in both situations. Most parents are startled or dismayed at even hearing the words that their son or daughter is prepared to take control of the family home, business, cottage, banking, or investments. Nobody likes to feel as if they are being pushed aside, particularly when it is their own money and future that are being discussed.
You should realize that one of the biggest stressors for parents is the fear that once the documents are in place, the children will simply do whatever they want, without consulting the parents or following the parents’ financial values. Whether or not this is a realistic fear is irrelevant to how parents might feel.
For example, many parents feel that they have spent a lifetime saving money and investing conservatively to help their nest egg grow. They feel that they have done alright for themselves doing things a certain, usually conservative, way. They worry that should the children be put in charge, the children might invest speculatively or foolishly or spend frivolously, thereby wasting all those years of saving and investing. This fear can exist even when there is no factual basis or past incident by the children to support it.
There are ways to put these fears to rest, or at least to reduce them, and some ideas to combat those fears include:
• Not all incapacity documents put the children in charge as soon as the document is signed. In fact, the vast majority of documents do not. An enduring power of attorney is specifically designed to be used as a planning ahead tool. (For alternate names for an enduring power of attorney, see the Introduction.) The enduring power of attorney document is signed by a parent while he or she has mental capacity and it legally “endures” or “continues” once the parent loses capacity. With this type of document, the children cannot exercise any legal authority over a parent’s assets until the parent has been declared incompetent. The declaration is usually provided by a doctor or by two doctors. Knowing that he or she will still have control of assets and finances after the documents are signed will probably go a long way toward dealing with a parent’s anxiety on that point.
• Whether the document that is signed is used immediately, or is designed to be used in the future, is up to your parents and depends on what help they need. Your parents retain control of the document and of their financial affairs as long as they have mental capacity.
• In most jurisdictions, the parent can include specific controls or requirements for accountability that would come into effect once the children start using the enduring power of attorney. This kind of clause is not included very often in enduring powers of attorney, but that is largely because people are not aware of them and do not realize that they can request them. The popularity of this sort of clause is slowly catching on. For example, an enduring power of attorney might require the children to give a full accounting of everything they have done with the parent’s finances to someone else on a regular basis; for example, once a year. The person that they must give the accounting to might be the parent’s lawyer or accountant, but it is much more frequently another family member. For example, if you were to be appointed as the representative under the enduring power of attorney, you might have to give an accounting to one of your siblings once a year.
• Providing this kind of accounting prevents a representative from operating in secrecy. It often acts as a deterrent against someone who is tempted to do something with the parent’s money that he or she knows ought not to be done. The possibility of being found out usually deters people.
• Another alternative is that the document might specifically say that family members have a right to demand an accounting whenever they want one. The purpose is to bring transparency to what the children are doing, in the hopes that will keep the children honest as well as reduce the number of questions and disputes that might arise. These are just examples, as documents are always tailored to the specific situation of the parent and his or her family, but they show how it is possible to make sure that the children in charge do not simply operate in secrecy.
• Try to find a lawyer who specializes in estate planning so that your parent knows that he or she is getting experienced advice from someone who knows all of the ins and outs of incapacity. Do not allow an accountant, a banker, an investment advisor, or a law student to draft the documents. Understand that the real value in the estate-planning process is not necessarily the piece of paper itself but the discussion, ideas, and advice that take place while the documents are being planned. Your parents should maximize that part of the process so that they have a chance to ask questions and explore options. There is simply no replacement for the peace of mind your parents will gain by talking with someone who really knows how wills and incapacity documents work and can anticipate problems before they have a chance to occur.
• Stay out