you so pissed? I just dropped by to say hi.”
“OK, so say it and go already. Shouldn’t be hard. You’re used to doing that.”
Her red hair had been cut and was just a scattering of waves and curls around her face. He’d never thought he’d see the day when she would get rid of that curly mane that used to become a curtain in the wind. It had been her signature. The babe with the hair. She used to wrap him in it, entangle him while they were wrapped around each other, warm blue eyes laughing at him. With him.
Those eyes weren’t laughing now. Nowhere near it. Were as cold as the wind cutting through his wool coat.
“So I’m supposed to feel guilty about moving out of state.”
“No, you asshole! You’re supposed to feel guilty about not saying shit about it to me. Not even one fucking good-bye.”
“There were circumstances…”
“Fuck your circumstances! There’s a little invention called the phone or haven’t you heard? You shoulda called instead of cutting out and leaving me to…well, it doesn’t matter, anyway. Nothing about you matters in my life anymore, Sean, so I don’t know why you’re here now.”
“Cal died.”
The stone look wavered a bit. “Yeah, I heard. I’m sorry…for his mother, at least.”
He caught the pause. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
He let it go. “Anyway, I came back for the funeral.”
“Why? It wasn’t like you and Cal were still tight. As a matter of fact, he used to talk trash about you every chance he got. The guy practically hated you.”
Sean unstraddled the bike, parked it at the curb. He walked the path to the first step, keeping his stride casual, but feeling anything but. This whole homecoming was turning out to be a bust. Seems he’d left more than enough bad blood behind.
“I had to pay my respects. Nothing wrong with that.”
Her laugh was bitter. “That’s more than Cal woulda done for you. Don’t know what you did to piss him off, but it musta been something major.”
Sean knew she was waiting for him to clue her in. She was standing in nothing more than a red jersey and jeans, seemingly oblivious to the cold wind whipping her now-small curls into a frenzy. He had to push his own hair out of his face. Suzanne waited for something, anything. But there was nothing he could give her.
She must have realized this because she changed the subject. “That your old bike? Thought you gave it to Sam.”
Sean nodded. “I did. I’m just borrowing it while I’m in town. He’s got a new Harley, anyway.”
“Yeah, looks like it’s seen better days. Almost ready for the scrap. So, why did you stop by, Sean?”
“Maybe I was hoping that time might have made it easier…”
“Easier for what? For you to slink back and apologize? Uhn-uhn, no way. You don’t know the hell I had to go through because of you.”
“What hell? What’re you talking about?”
She stared hard, then her features gave way to a normal expression, conceding to some internal resolution, leaving him just to look and wonder what she was keeping from him.
“Look, tell me what I did wrong other than leave town? I know I should’ve called, but you don’t know what was going on…There just wasn’t time.”
She gave her head a quick shake.
“Can I come in?”
“For what?”
“To talk, catch up on what’s been going on?”
“OK, Sean, here’s a quick summary of what’s been going on with me. For starters, I got pregnant. Yeah, that’s right. But not to worry, ’cause I also got an abortion. Of course, I had to get on antidepressants after that. And right now, I’m trying to get a nursing degree so that I can finally move out of my father’s house. Oh, and by the way, the baby was yours. But, hey, don’t worry. It’s all good now. So, I don’t need anything from you. Not anymore. So what’s been up with you?”
The rush of words slapped him like a physical blow. There was no ducking them, even if he had seen them coming. But how could he have known? They’d always used a condom. How the hell?
“How…when?” the questions stumbled from him, earning him another glare of derision.
“Does it matter?”
“Tell me, dammit!”
He hadn’t meant to snap, but shit, she was skewering him for something he hadn’t even known about.
“I found out about a month after you sneaked out of town. Of course, I couldn’t tell my dad. He woulda just called me stupid. And I was stupid…”
“But we used protection…”
“Obviously it didn’t work at least one of the times we got together. Outside of Cheryl, there was no one else I could turn to.”
At Cheryl’s name, Sean felt his back stiffen. The thought that Cheryl Lansky might have had any say about the existence of his child…”
“She the one who told you to get the abortion?”
“So, what if she did? It’s not like you were around to help make the decision. Dammit, Sean, I couldn’t afford to have a baby. At least Cheryl was there to help me see what I had to do.”
“She get you the drugs, too?” Good ole Cheryl, who’d turned him on to heroin and who knew ways to get a whole pharmacy. Who had tried on several occasions to seduce him behind Suzanne’s back, and who, no doubt, had run his name into the ground when he was away because he’d had the audacity to say no.
Suzanne’s silence answered the question. No legitimate doctor would prescribe antidepressants to a teenager, at least not without her father’s consent. And if she’d kept her pregnancy a secret from her father, then she would have had a hard time explaining why she’d need pills. Of course, the doctor could have been part of Cheryl’s network of “favor-givers.” Sean had no illusions what favors Cheryl gave in payment.
“You don’t have any right to judge.”
“No right, huh? I guess not. It was my baby, after all…”
“But you weren’t here.” She crossed her arms again, daring him.
No, he hadn’t been here. Even though they were broken up at the time he left, he had been responsible for a life. A life he might have been able to save had he not had to leave. His absence had cost him a child he hadn’t even known about. The thought caused his stomach to churn with anger and sadness.
“No, I wasn’t.”
“And no reason for you being here now.”
He stared at her for a few seconds. She was aged beyond the few years he had been gone. Her soul was hardened, and he hated that he was the cause. But at least it was good she was trying to make a future for herself so that her life wasn’t totally derailed. Maybe one day she would be able to forgive him. Maybe one day he might forgive himself.
“I guess you’re right,” he said solemnly, softly. He caught a flicker, a softening in her expression. But he didn’t stay around to see whether he was mistaken or not. He got on his bike, drove off, knowing that she was still standing on the porch, watching his receding back. Watching him leave her life again for the second time.
Lacey raked up the strewn carcasses of twigs, rose petals, and leaves. She hadn’t realized she’d been serious about getting rid of the rose bushes. But after the incident in the living room,