dating a termite?”
As it turns out, I was about to date a termite. When I let myself into my apartment that night, the phone was ringing.
“Hi,” a deep male voice said, “This is Ted Lawson.”
At first, I had no idea who he was.
“Ted Lawson?”
“Kandi’s friend.”
“Oh. Tommy the Termite.”
He laughed. “Four years studying at the Actors’ Studio, and I wind up playing a termite. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except that I get second billing to a cockroach.”
At least he had a sense of humor about himself.
“Anyhow, I was wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner Saturday night.”
This was it. The moment of truth. Was I going to stay holed up with my cat for the rest of my life? Or was I going to take a chance on love?
“Sure, I’d love to,” I said, taking the leap.
And it really wasn’t such a big leap. Ted seemed like a perfectly nice guy. And it was only one measly dinner. After all, I figured, how bad could it be?
Stick around for a few chapters, and you’ll find out.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL!
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Who’s Charleton MacAfee?
Last night when your father was sleeping, I gave the toupee to the cat, hoping she’d claw it to shreds. But Taffy wouldn’t go near it. She took one look at it, and hid under the sofa. I think she thought it was a possum. Of course, Taffy is scared of her own shadow. Not at all like your darling kitty Zoloft.
So this morning the dead squirrel is back on your father’s head, a walking eyesore.
What with all this to-do over Daddy’s dreadful hairpiece, I forgot all about your Cousin Cindy’s wedding in Ohio next week. I can’t believe she’s getting married and you’re still single. Oh, honey, wouldn’t it be nice if you tied the knot one of these days, and gave Daddy and me a little grandbaby? Sometimes I think you made a mistake divorcing The Glob. True, he hardly got off the sofa, but he had a nice smile. Oh, well. I’m sure you know best, dear.
As for the wedding, I simply don’t know how I’m going to face the relatives. With that toupee on your father’s head, we’ll be the laughing stock of the family. I don’t suppose you could possibly break away from your work and meet me there for moral support?
Love,
Mom
PS. The strangest thing about the wedding invitation. It says, “Fred and Earlene Austen, and Charleton MacAfee, request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Cindy…” Do you have any idea who Charleton MacAfee is? For the life of me, I can’t think who it could possibly be.
To: Shoptillyoudrop
From: Jausten
Subject: Stiff competition
Sorry, Mom, I have no idea who Charleton MacAfee is. Maybe a relative of Earlene’s?
And I’m afraid I can’t make it to the wedding. First, I’m starting a new job. And second, I haven’t been invited.
Don’t worry about being the laughing stock of the family. I think you’ve got some stiff competition in that department. As I recall, isn’t Uncle Fred the guy who sits at the dinner table with his shotgun in his lap to protect his family from alien invaders? And isn’t Aunt Earlene the one who knits booties for their dog? Compared to them, Daddy will look like Cary Grant.
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Cary Grant
I suppose you’re right, darling, but I doubt Cary Grant ever wore a dead squirrel on his head.
To: Shoptillyoudrop
From: Jausten
Any chance of it blowing away in a stiff wind?
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: I knew I could count on you!
What a good idea. I’ll take Daddy for a walk on the beach. It’s always windy there. Thank you, darling! I knew I could count on you.
To: Shoptillyoudrop
From: Jausten
My pleasure, Mom. And by the way, my cat’s name is Prozac, not Zoloft, and my ex-husband is The Blob, not The Glob—although that has a nice ring to it, too.
To: Jausten
From: DaddyO
Subject: Positive Feedback
Hi, Pumpkin!
Hope everything is fine in sunny L.A.
I’m happy to report that I’m getting lots of positive feedback on my new toupee. Why, just this morning at the bank, the teller said she’d never in all her life seen hair quite like mine. I can’t wait to show it off at cousin Cindy’s wedding next week.
Your mother, however, is still making fun of it. She says it’s made from squirrel hair. Which is ridiculous. Because it says on the label that it’s made in Guam. And I don’t think they have squirrels in Guam, do they?
Got to run. Mom wants to go for a walk on the beach.
Your loving,
Daddy
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Like a Dog with a Frisbee
Just back from the beach. It was very windy, and at first I thought everything was going to work out just fine. We hadn’t gone two steps, when the toupee flew off Daddy’s head. But he ran after it and caught it. The damn thing kept flying off, and he kept running after it and catching it. Like a dog with a frisbee. After a while, he gave up and put it in his pocket.
Of course, it got full of sand, and even though he’s shaken it out a million times, sand still keeps falling out of it. So now your father has the only toupee in the world with built-in dandruff.
To: Justen
From: DaddyO
Subject: Here’s a Cute One
Here’s a cute one for you, lambchop: What happens when you take Viagra and ExLax? You can’t tell which way you’re going!
To: DaddyO
From: Jausten
Daddy I think the punchline is supposed to be: You can’t tell if you’re coming or going.
To: Jausten
From: DaddyO
Are you sure? I thought it was funnier my way. I told it to the guys down at the clubhouse, and they couldn’t stop laughing. It’s amazing. Ever since I got my toupee, people find me so much more amusing than they used to. Sometimes they start laughing before I even finish my jokes.
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: The Most Marvelous Idea
I’ve just had the most marvelous idea. I know how to get rid of Daddy’s toupee. It’s all so simple, really.
Конец