CHAPTER ONE: OLDIES BUT GOODIES
While the five-minute-long serenades to stars past and present may fire our hearts on the terraces, you can’t beat pure, classic, comedy gold. Yes, there are the twisted takes on Andrew Lloyd-Webber hits or tributes to Wham!, but often the best songs are the simple classics that have been knocking around for years.
The unwritten rule of an effective football chant is to keep it simple. You don’t want to be scratching around for a club’s hymn book or nagging those around you with constant requests for lyrics, so, for the casual football fan, ‘Oldies But Goodies’ does the trick.
Only in the mad, mad world of following your team could such incredible songs spring up and pass the test of time, including a brilliant put-down that name-drops a village in Wales. ‘Why’s that so special?’ you ask? Well, the village in question has 58 letters in its name!
Each club, be it non-league or Champions League, has its own unique chants but when the time is right, fans right across the world will indulge in some Oldie But Goodie love…
There are few worse feelings than watching your team go behind having taken the lead. The agony, the despair, the sense of ‘why didn’t you close him down, you ****!’… and, of course, rival supporters love to put the boot in with the most simple of put-downs:
You’re not singing anymore!
You’re not singing!
You’re not singing!
YOU’RE NOT SINGING ANYMORE!
[Sung to the tune of ‘Cwm Rhondda’, or ‘Bread of Heaven’, a hymn written by John Hughes. Variations on this include ‘Shall we sing a song for you?’ and ‘It’s all gone quiet over there’.]
You would think this wouldn’t leave much room for a comeback but, memorably, Fulham fans had the last laugh when they responded to such a chant from Portsmouth fans in 2007. Benjani had scored the opening goal for Pompey in a Premier League game at Craven Cottage – cue a rendition of ‘You’re not singing’. Fulham’s response?
WE WEREN’T SINGING ANYWAY!
[Fulham fans didn’t have much to sing about in the end. They ended up losing the match 2–0.]
…here are some more ways of appreciating ‘Bread of Heaven’:
Can we play you every week?
Are you [insert despised team] in disguise?
[Generally sung when your team are winning comfortably. Wrexham fans took this one to a whole new level when they went 5–0 up against Cambridge in 2002. The Welshmen sang: ‘Are you Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in disguise?’! And yes, that IS a real place. It’s a small village in Anglesey, Wales.]
Does your butler know you’re here?
[Good stuff from West Ham here, taunting the Cottagers about where they’re from. Fulham is a rather affluent area in west London, especially compared to West Ham…]
We can see you washing up!
[Sung by all and sundry while at Leyton Orient’s Brisbane Road ground. There are flats situated in the corners of the stadium.]
You’re the only one at home!
[More Brisbane Road comedy here. During a Carling Cup tie at home to Stoke, a lone man watched the action from his balcony. Around 2,500 people made sure he had some company.]
You’re not ringing anymore!
[Sung by Arsenal fans to John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood (yes, that’s his real name), who annoys fans up and down the country with his loud handbell. The Gunners were right; the avid Pompey fan was a little muted when Arsène Wenger’s men went 4–1 up in August 2009.]
You’re not signing anymore!
[No, that’s not a typo – Stoke City fans came up with this gem when Chelsea visited the Britannia Stadium in September 2009. Following alleged irregularities, UEFA banned Chelsea from transfer activity for two years.]
Football fatties have long had to take abuse from fans on one of their many chins. Leading the way in the long list of lardy tributes is an all-time classic:
Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat bastard! You fat bastard!
You ate all the pies!
[Sung to the tune of ‘Knees up Mother Brown’, a 1930s hit by Harris Weston and Bert Lee.]
This classic is one of the milder songs sung by West Ham fans to hate-figure ‘Fat’ Frank Lampard following his defection to Chelsea in 2001. Fellow victims of the classic include roly-poly Swedish striker Thomas Brolin, whose Michelin-man body graced the Premier League in the 1990s with Leeds and Crystal Palace.
Not all of the classics take the mickey. This delightful ditty is usually reserved for players and/or managers to have played and/or managed their way into the hearts of the supporters. Scoring twice against your hated rivals helps, as does winning trophies.
There’s only one Arsène Wenger!
One Arsène Wenger!
Walking along, singing a song
Walking in a Wenger wonderland!
[Sung to the tune of ‘Winter Wonderland’, a song penned in the 1930s by Felix Bernard. It’s been covered by everyone from Ozzy Osbourne to Dolly Parton to Frank Sinatra. Strangely enough, the ode to Wenger has died down slightly following Arsenal’s lengthy run without a trophy.]
There’s only one Carlton Palmer!
And he smokes marijuana!
He’s six foot tall and his head’s too small
Walking in a Palmer wonderland!
[An excellent use of the ‘Winter Wonderland’ tune, sung by Sheffield Wednesday fans in the 1990s. The Wednesday fans didn’t literally mean Palmer liked the odd jazzy cigarette – they used the line because it rhymed. Just like that.]
There’s only one Emile Heskey!
One Emile Heskey!
He used to be shite
But now he’s alright
Walking in a Heskey wonderland!
[Sung about much-maligned striker Emile Heskey. Started by Wigan and inherited by Aston Villa following Heskey’s arrival in 2009.]
Strange one, this. On the one hand, bellowing out the assertion that your team is the greatest in the world can be a rousing way of announcing your dominance. On the other hand, it’s sung by Huddersfield fans and the like.