I hurt him, I’ll ruin everything. That’s the thing. That’s the thing that keeps pulling me back to Ezra. He knew his life was on the line when he deprogrammed me and he did it anyway. I almost killed him. Twice. He believed in me. He somehow knew that I was stronger than my abuse and more powerful than my abusers. That’s what makes this whole situation a total fucking shit show.
And now, here I am. Levi’s hot, sticky breath growling up against my face. I cannot fight back. My strength is my vulnerability, and I have to hope that it’s where Levi’s lives, too. He keeps me in midair for a full twenty seconds. He’s fighting this, I can see it. It’s the inherent problem with the Blood Lust. You can’t fight it. You have to balance on the knife edge of it. You have to surrender your body and your instincts and let that spark of innocence wriggle its way to the surface.
I want to tell him this, but talking will only make it worse at this point. Levi lifts me higher and throws me like a dart, with all his (very significant) might at the door. I manage to contort myself somewhat in the air, spinning so that my head won’t hit the wooden frame. This maneuver works, sort of. I knew that my suit would absorb most of the impact, but I am not wearing my boots. So, while I’ve managed to angle my body sideways, to protect my skull, I have totally forgotten about my foot. When it hits the door, it hurts like hell. It makes me want to scream, but I suck the sound back into my throat because that would only excite him more.
Since I’m right here and since killing me might ruin our chance to save the world and all, I think my best option is to make a run for it. Figuratively at least. Before he can get to me, I leap up on my good foot and fling the door open. I close it behind me and hold it shut. The door is thick and solid and the handle is iron so I’m hoping I can keep Levi in there long enough for it to pass.
As soon as he realizes I’ve trapped him in there, he begins to scream.
“I’m gonna kill you!” Levi shouts. “You hear me, Ryn? I’m going to rip your lungs out while you watch. Open the fucking door!” Levi begins to pound and it’s enough to alert our neighbors all along the hall and they come rushing out. Ezra is first. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers and the look of sleepy-eyed confusion that he may just be dreaming. Levi keeps banging on the wooden planks.
“Are you afraid to fight me, Ryn? Because you should be. I’m going to wrap my hands around that pathetic neck of yours and squeeze until you turn fucking blue, you bitch, let me out of here!” There are now at least ten other Faida in the hallway. They look baffled. I don’t know what to say exactly. This is the very definition of uncharted territory. The Blood Lust plays itself out. In person. Well, that’s not exactly true. The first time Ezra triggered me, I told him to run to the bathroom before it well and truly had me in its grip. I bashed my head against the floor until the pain dragged me out of it. Still, that had been just a hand on my clavicle. I think the more sexual things get, the more fierce the Blood Lust becomes.
So all this yelling and these verbal threats are unexpected. It’s the kind of thing you just think. Hearing Levi say this shit out loud is both embarrassing and unsettling. My heart sinks as I see Arif and Navaa approach slowly. “This isn’t him,” I tell them, still holding the ever-increasingly jerking door. “This is the thing they did to us,” I try to explain. The two look at each other and then me with barely veiled judgment. And then, Arif adds his own hand to the long black iron handle. Levi is just screaming now, his voice getting more and more hoarse as he continues to try and get out. Then, there is a great crunching squeal, the sound you hear when a tree splinters after being cut down. Levi has ripped the door off the hinges and it goes flying back into my room, crashing against the post of the bed.
Without even hesitating for one moment, Arif grabs me and pulls me down, wrapping his wings around my entire body for refuge. All the other Faida join him, creating a giant teepee of protection.
“Don’t hurt him!” I yell, though the feathers muffle and dampen my scream. “If he gets hurt, he’ll never get better. Just defend yourselves.” I realize in that moment, I am asking quite a lot of my new potential allies. Levi is stronger than any of them, but he’s not stronger than all of them. Also, thankfully, the protective grid that makes their wings bulletproof seems to be a permanent modification. As Levi begins punching and kicking, I hear the distinctive buzz of an electronic force field at work.
After about a minute, the sound stops. It’s pitch-black inside. I can’t see what’s going on, but I do feel the slight shift of air as the whirling mass of wings slowly unknits itself around me. Eventually, my vision returns. I am on my knees, curled into a ball, my hands covering my head. I look up and see the Faida have all backed away and Levi, poor Levi, is just standing there. The Blood Lust has run its course. It has hollowed him out and he looks more broken than I’ve ever seen him.
I know he must be humiliated. I stand up and realize, my foot. I wince and pull it up behind me. “I’m okay. Everything is fine,” I tell him softly. I have my arms out in front of me, hoping he’ll come to me, hoping he’ll show them all that he isn’t some crazy monster. He doesn’t quite seem to see me, though. He is looking through me. “No one got hurt and everyone understands,” I assure him. “Let’s just go back to your room. We’ll get you settled, you can get some sleep. You need to sleep.”
My pleas seem to snap him back to reality. He swallows hard. I watch as he begins to back away. “I’m sorry. Everyone. I’m …” Levi’s voice is barely a whisper. He hasn’t been physically injured, but emotionally, I don’t know how this will affect things.
As if reading my mind, Navaa walks gracefully toward him. “In truth, Levi,” she says with a sweet and gentle tone that I didn’t even think she was capable of, “we are all aware of what the altered Roones did to you. It is unsettling to witness, but also necessary, I think, to better understand the depravity of our common enemy. We do not judge you.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s cool. Let’s just go back to your room,” I say. I attempt to walk, but it hurts to put too much weight on my foot. I disguise my pain with a smile. I sort of shuffle toward him, dragging my painful foot behind me.
“No!” Levi says with sudden authority. “I don’t want to be around you. Or anyone. I’m very sorry.” And with that, Levi turns and rushes into his own room. An awkward silence weaves its way around all of us as soon as his door closes. Ezra walks swiftly over to me. I’m thinking he might be concerned. I’m thinking he may be worried that I am actually hurt. As soon as I see the furious look on his face, I know that is not the case.
He gets right up to me and whispers sternly in my ear, “I can’t fucking believe you did that. Here. With them. In this place.” He grips my wrist and pulls me even closer. “Your Blood Lust was nothing compared to what I just saw. Levi is going to kill you. I hope to God you know what you’re doing.” He jerks his hand back as if suddenly my skin is toxic and stomps away, practically slamming the door behind him. Well, I suppose I know where things stand between us now. He’ll never be able to forget what he just saw and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will never, ever, look at me the same way again. And as much as his masculine sense of entitlement disgusts me, it doesn’t change the fact that his rejection rips at my guts nevertheless.
I don’t know what to do. Everyone is looking at me. I go to open my mouth, but Arif speaks before I get the chance. “You don’t need to explain. It seems you are injured. Can I offer medical assistance?”
As if this whole situation wasn’t embarrassing enough, I’m not about to add to it by waking up one of their doctors. “No. I’m sure it’s just a bruise, but thank you. Thank you all for your help with this. I’m going to go back to my room.”
I hobble away before any of them can say anything else. When I get to my room (now annoyingly without a door), I peel my uniform off and tend to my foot. I don’t think it’s broken, but I take all the medicine the SenMachs and altered Roones have provided in my med kit just to be sure. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at all because of what happened, but my body overrides my absolute mortification. I need to heal more than I need to brood and worry. My last thought is of Levi. The look on his face, the shame and desperation.