Reginald Hill

A Cure for All Diseases


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She who pays the piper calls the tune – right? Lady D definitely would not care for the prospect of any of her money – now or later – finding its way into the pocket of a penniless foreigner. So if her beloved neice wanted to stay in her good books & her will – shed better pick her young men v carefully. The HB feels much the same – so the way youre going – Ill probably be getting your share!

      I was also recalling that – according to George – Emil was a student – not a ski instructor. Teddy – I thought – either youre lying – or Ess lied to you –

      I said – so Esther went slumming with us plebs – & Lady D never found out –

      He said – happily auntie had her own affairs to divert her –

      The way he stressed affairs got me curious – but our interesting chat must have been observed – for now it was interrupted by a sergeant major bellow – Teddy! – what are you doing down there? – Time for lunch! –

      The bart flinched – & made a face – but he still started to get to his feet.

      Shes really got him at the end of a leash – I thought as we headed back to the group. Must be hard for both of them – having to be careful who they got the hots for – in case Lady D disapproved. Wonder how shed feel about me?

      I was soon to find out!

      The women were all on their feet. Clara was gathering up their stuff – bags – towels – Lady Ds folding chair – while Esther gazed out to sea like she was trying to freeze it over. Lady D greeted me with a stern look – then she said – Miss Heywood – if you could lend me your arm – too much sitting makes me stiff –

      Not much sign of stiffness – the speed with which she walked me away from the others – but it quickly became clear what she wanted was a private chat.

      – a word to the wise – she said – Teddy is a fine young man –

      – yes – I noticed – I said.

      That got me a sharp glance – then she went on – but alas – he may flatter to decieve –

      – you mean hes not to be trusted with a girls affections! – I exclaimed – all shock horror.

      – of course I dont mean that! – I am talking of his circumstances – she declared – He may look like a good catch – big mansion – expensive watch – but Denham Park is entailed – cannot be sold – & needs more spent on it in repairs than it would probably fetch anyway. As for the watch …

      – yes – I noticed the Rolex – I said – all bright eyed – thinking no harm in letting the old cow peg me as a predatory fortune hunter – could lull her into a false sense of security if I decide to have me wicked way with the bart! – That must be worth 5 thou of anyones money! –

      – yes indeed – she said triumphantly – mine! – it was Sir Harrys – my late husbands – Teddys uncle. I gave it to Teddy as a memento – there was nothing in the will – you understand – but I beleive Sir Harry would have wanted it – family meant much to him – & as Teddys circumstances have meant he has had to part with many Denham heirlooms – it is good he should retain at least one item – to remind him of dear Harry – & better days –

      Meaning – I interpreted – that Teddy wouldnt dare flog it – cos shed be asking him the time whenever they met!

      Well – I had news for her – Id wondered why the bart took off his Rolex before entering the water – those things are supposed to be still working when theyre dredged up from a ten year old shipwreck. So when I collected the guys trunks – I checked it out – & its definitely a Hong Kong job – 20 quid off a sampan – you could bend the expanding ‘gold’ bracelet with two fingers if you took a fancy to! I reckon Ted-on-the-rocks has flogged the original – & invested in a fake – to fool auntie. Could explain how come he could afford a Buell. That won-it-in-a-lottery story had sounded pretty feeble!

      Good for him! – I thought – & I said to her – yes – I understand – & Im sure someone as attractive – & talented – as Teddy will have little difficulty in finding someone his equal in name – & his superior in income –

      Nicely put – eh?

      She nodded – & smiled – & said – Im so pleased we understand each other – my dear – now I must toil up this path to lunch –

      She let go of my arm – & Ess – whod been veiwing our tete-a-tete with great suspicion – went into ministering angel mode – leaping forward – presumably to ensure Lady Ds foot did not dash against a stone.

      Her ladyship did not look at her – but gazed on me assessingly. I guessed she wanted to reward me for being a sensible peasant – possibly with an invite to lunch – which I wasnt crazy about – but might just accept – to put Esthers nose out of joint!

      Then she said – in a very measured extremely condescending tone – Miss Heywood do tell Tom Parker to bring you to my hog-roast this Sunday –

      Her hog-roast – which – according to Mary – the Consortium was paying for!

      I resisted the temptation to do a curtsey – & said – that would be lovely – but Im probably going home on Saturday –

      I expected her to react sort of amazed anyone could turn down a royal invite – instead she said – yes – of course – your family must miss you – family loyalties are so important. Come if you change your mind – meanwhile – do feel free to stay here as long as you like – & dont be afraid to come again – whenever the public beach is full –

      There! In my place – or what?

      I felt like kicking sand in her face.

      Instead I said – very dignified – thank you – so kind – but I really ought to get back to my freinds – & off I stalked!

      Id gone about a dozen yards when Teddy caught up with me.

      – dont take any notice of the old bat – he said – she cant help it – still thinks were living in the dark ages! –

      Which might have impressed me with his independence – if he hadnt still been whispering – for fear of being overheard!

      I said – better get back – else you might be sent to bed – without any lunch –

      He grinned – hes got a great grin – & said – who cares about lunch – so long as the company in beds good? Look – Id like to see you again – soon –

      I said – pushing it – is that an invitation to Denham Park then? – or do you need permission to invite someone to your own home? –

      He winced – then said – of course not – though I warn you – the plumbings terrible! What Id really like is to give you a ride – on the Beast I mean. You could borrow Ests leathers. The trick is – to get the full experience – not to wear anything at all underneath! –

      Who writes this guys scripts?!!

      But – like a good thriller – it may be a load of crap – but you cant stop reading it!

      I said – Ill think about it – & scrambled over the rocks – back to the main beach – even more crowded now than before. Suddenly the peace & friendliness of Kyoto House seemed very attractive.

      So off I set to trudge back up the hill.

      But my exciting adventures werent over yet!

      However – youll have to wait for the next exciting episode – as I have to go & interview a woman who says that an infusion of whortleberries & a nettle oil massage have taken 20 years off her age.

      You see – Im a working girl too!

      Much love

      Charley xxx